Couple's Therapy
by QuakerJoe
Summary: Remember, when using love potions, always ALWAYS check for side affects (16th chapter! The big one! The climax!)
1. Bad Cookies and Lots of Orgasms

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of paring off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 1: Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo, OR Bad Cookies and Lots of Orgasms  
  
"Ranma," Shampoo said as she bounded into the Tendo household, "I bring cookies for you."  
  
The residents of the Tendo household were just sitting down to dinner when the Amazon girl showed up.  
  
"Do you mind, Shampoo?" Akane demanded. "We are trying to eat here!"  
  
"But Shampoo work very very hard on these," Shampoo said, displaying the plate of cookies . "Is okay Airen try one. No spoil his dinner."  
  
"Well ummm... thanks Shampoo," Ranma said, rather nervous about what the catch was. "But I really shouldn't..."  
  
"And just what's in these cookies, Shampoo?" Akane demanded. "Love potion?"  
  
"Violent girl is too suspicious," Shampoo said. "Shampoo just want give Ranma something nice. You have lot learn about pleasing man."  
  
"Excuse me!" Akane thundered, "just what do you mean by that!"  
  
"If you so worried about Ranma," Shampoo said, "you eat one. Shampoo no want violent girl for husband."  
  
"Hah," Akane said, "maybe I will!"  
  
Shampoo smiled inwardly. Little did Akane know that Uncle Doe's patented Kontoraibansu powdered love potion wouldn't affect anyone but Ranma.  
  
Of course little did Shampoo know that Uncle Doe's patented Kontoraibansu powdered love potion actually WOULD affect someone other than Ranma, just not the way anyone would expect.  
  
Akane took a cookie from the plate, staring the amazon down and waiting for her to back down. When she didn't, Akane felt reasonably safe. Shampoo certainly wouldn't risk Akane falling in love with her, right?  
  
"Here goes," she said, popping the cookie into her mouth. She quickly chewed it up and swallowed it.  
  
And it very nearly came back. "THAT TASTES AWFUL!" she shouted. "I think I'm going to hurl!"  
  
Shampoo scratched her head in thought. "Hmmm... maybe Kontoraibansu powder have bad taste..."  
  
"And just what is Kontoraibansu powder, Shampoo!" Akane demanded. Meanwhile inside her the powder was already going to work.  
  
"Oh," Shampoo said innocently, "is nothing." She pushed the cookies in front of Ranma. "Airen eat one now, yes?"  
  
Ranma looked over to Akane, who looked a little green. "Umm... no thanks Shampoo. Anything that the tomboy can't stand I don't want no part of."  
  
The red anger within Akane was awakened. "RAAANNNMMMAAA...."  
  
"No worry about her," Shampoo said. "She just have no sense of taste. Probably why she cook so bad."  
  
Ranma considered Shampoo's words for a moment. "You know, that might be..."  
  
Akane shot to her feet, mallet already materialized and upraised. "WELL EXCUSE ME FOR LOVING YOU ENOUGH TO WANT TO COOK FOR YOU!"  
  
The mallet never fell, however, because Akane soon realized what she had just said. She froze in shock just like everyone else. Did she really just say that?  
  
"A... Akane?" Ranma managed, "Are... are you serious?"  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "I'm so happy for you Akane."  
  
"She... She finally said it," Soun said.  
  
"The future of the anything goes school is now secure!" Genma added.  
  
"Now... wait..." Akane tried to protest weakly as she sat back down, her face a bright shade of red. "You... you're getting this all wrong..."  
  
"How exactly are we supposed to get you telling Ranma you love him all wrong?" Nabiki asked.  
  
Akane blushed even worse. "Shampoo... Shampoo must have done something to me!" She reached across the table and roughly grabbed Shampoo by the collar. "What was in those cookies!"  
  
"This make no sense," Shampoo said. "Love potion no supposed to have affect on anyone but people with gender changing curse..."  
  
"LOVE POTION!"  
  
"You... you mean that Akane is under some love potion?" Ranma asked. "Then... that... that explains it..." Curiously enough one couldn't really tell if Ranma was relieved or dissapointed. "It... it's just the love potion talking."  
  
"NO!" Akane protested. "I love you Ranma! More than life itself... I..." Once again she quickly realized what she was saying and this time fled to her room in terror.  
  
"It looks like I'm too late."  
  
Everyone turned at the sound of the new voice.  
  
"Shampoo," Cologne said as she bounced into the room on her stick, "what have I told you about borrowing my potions?"  
  
*****  
  
Akane slammed her door and threw herself onto the bed. What was going on with her? It was like all of her most private and secret feelings for Ranma were trying to force their way out.  
  
"This isn't how I want it," she told herself. "Ranma, I didn't want you to find out this way..."  
  
*****  
  
"Uncle Doe's Patented Kontoraibansu powdered love potion?" Ranma repeated incredulously.  
  
"That's right," Cologne said. "A powerful if narrowly effective love potion, able to inspire love in anyone suffering from a gender changing curse."  
  
"What kind of idiot would make a love potion with that kind of restriction?" Nabiki asked.  
  
A bolt of lighting came down from heaven and struck Nabiki.  
  
"Shampoo put Akane under a love potion?" Ranma demanded. "That's why she's acting like this?"  
  
"Yes and no," Cologne said. "The Kontoraibansu powder cannot work its normal effect on anyone without a gender changing curse. However, on certain individuals, specifically ill tempered Japanese females with blue hair, it has side affects which Shampoo was not aware of."  
  
Nabiki got back up, coughing some puffs of smoke. "Ill tempered Japanese females with blue hair, huh? Don't you think you're stretching the limits of credibility?"  
  
Another bolt of lightning hit Nabiki.  
  
"Cut it out!" she shouted at the heavens. "Don't think I didn't catch that Kontoraibansu gag!"  
  
"So what is it doing to her?" Ranma demanded.  
  
"Son-in-law," Cologne said solemnly, "Akane's heart is now open. The Kontoraibansu powder is forcing her to express her feelings for you as they come up, completely unfiltered. Right now she is incapable of hiding those feelings."  
  
Ranma got a whole lot more nervous. "You... you mean she..." gulp "...meant all of it?  
  
"That's right," Cologne said.  
  
"She... she likes me?"  
  
Cologne became visibly more frustrated. "Idiot," she said, smacking Ranma with her stick. "Anyone with an eye and three brain cells could have told you that a long time ago. What this means is that for the time being she can't hide it."  
  
"She likes me?" Ranma repeated.  
  
"Why are you hung up on that?" Cologne wanted to know. "Yes you idiot, she loves you! How many times does it have to be hammered into your thick skull!"  
  
"She... she likes me?" Ranma repeated again.  
  
"Airen!" Shampoo cried, throwing her arms around Ranma. "Akane love is no real love like Shampoo's love. Is just silly schoolgirl crush."  
  
Ranma pushed Shampoo off of him. "I... I gotta hear it from her." He began walking towards the stairs.  
  
"That isn't a good idea Ranma," Cologne said. "Wait until the powder has worn off at least!"  
  
Ranma didn't seem to hear her. He was in a daze as he climbed the stairs.  
  
"Now I'm worried," Cologne said. "The powder still hasn't run its course."  
  
"What does this mean?" Soun wanted to know. Everyone else was listening with rapt attention.  
  
"Bad things," Cologne said.  
  
*****  
  
"Akane?" Ranma said quietly as he opened the door to her room. "Are you..."  
  
"Go away Ranma," Akane said without looking at him.  
  
"Akane, the old ghoul says you mean all this stuff you've been saying," Ranma's voice was somewhere between concerned, terrified, and hopeful. Though she had told him to leave, he had to know. He took a few steps into the room. "Is... is it true?"  
  
"I said go away!" Akane pleaded.  
  
Ranma was taken aback. Akane seemed positively terrified. Was it of him? "O... Okay Akane... I'll go." He turned to leave.  
  
"WAIT! DON'T LEAVE!"  
  
Akane's sudden shout was certainly a surprise. Ranma turned to see what the problem was, and was even further surprised when Akane leapt into his arms and planted a very passionate, very HUNGRY kiss on his lips.  
  
*****  
  
"The powder's affect will not stop with Akane's feelings," Cologne said to the audience still assembled downstairs. "The true horror comes after. Once the Kontoraibansu powder takes full affect, Akane will begin to loose total control of herself. She will begin acting upon impulses and desires that she has otherwise kept hidden in the darkest recesses of her heart. Like any teenage girl in love, Akane has certain... impulses concerning Ranma, impulses that she would normally repress. This powder will bring them to light."  
  
"What great-grandmother mean?" Shampoo asked.  
  
Cologne was about to answer, however the lack of soundproofing between floors did it for her.  
  
"AKANE, WAIT, NO, WE AIN'T MARRIED YET, THIS AIN'T RIGHT!"  
  
"SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TROUSERS OFF YOU JERK!"  
  
Shampoo went stark white. "Oh no! Shampoo must stop them!" She shot to her feet...  
  
Only to be knocked unconscious when Happosai hit her with the table.  
  
"Good job Master," Soun said happily.  
  
"What on earth are you doing?" Cologne demanded. Upstairs Ranma's pleas and Akane's screaming had taken on a distinctly... different... tone. "Do you realize what is going to happen if we don't stop it?"  
  
"Yes I do," Happosai said. "And I sure hope the boy appreciates what I do for him."  
  
"Here here master," Soun said. "We've got them now, Saotome."  
  
"That we do, Tendo," Genma replied. "They won't be able to wriggle out of this one."  
  
"Interesting choice of words," Soun said.  
  
Upstairs, the symphony of primal urges continued.  
  
"Oh... oh my," Kasumi said shakily. "I shall have to see about more soundproofing."  
  
*****  
  
A bit later, Ranma lay on the floor of Akane's room, Akane cuddled up in his arms and their clothes little more than shreds scattered around them. Both were rather exhausted.  
  
"Oh man," Ranma said, "you are gonna kill me when that stuff wears off." That being said, though, despite his earlier abject terror, he had to admit that it was worth it.  
  
"I'm gonna break every bone in your body for taking advantage of me like this," Akane confirmed, her voice somewhere between feral, affectionate, and sensuous.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma protested, "who took advantage of who?" As best as he could remember (his mind WAS a bit addled) it was Akane that jumped him. He'd resisted quite fiercely for quite a while... until, of course, he started to wonder why he was resisting.  
  
"Shut up, idiot," Akane said, "and gimmie more!"  
  
Okay, perhaps Akane wasn't so exhausted. Ranma knew he couldn't win (and also wondered if he would want to) and just nodded tiredly. How long can this last?  
  
*****  
  
"It has most likely worn off by now," Cologne said as upstairs it seemed that round two was well underway.  
  
"I don't mean to disagree with you," Nabiki said, "but they're still..."  
  
"Riding the wild horse, sinking the sub, pounding in the spike, thrusting the spear..."  
  
Nabiki shot a disapproving glance at her older sister. "Sis, please..."  
  
Kasumi blushed. "Oh, dear me, I'm sorry for interrupting."  
  
"You can't just turn off your hidden urges and desires," Cologne said. "All the Kontoraibansu powder did to Akane was put them in charge for a while. After it wore off she still had them, and she had had her first taste of primal ecstasy. If nobody tells her the powder has worn off, then it will probably take her some time to realize that it is her and her alone that is..."  
  
"Leaving Ranma all spongy, bruised, and satisfied?" Kasumi offered.  
  
"Umm... yes."  
  
A blood curdling scream of the aforementioned primal ecstasy echoed through the house, which seemed to wake up Shampoo.  
  
"Oh no!" she cried. "Shampoo must save Airen!"  
  
She got up to rush up the stairs, and Happosai mercifully clocked her with the table again, sending her back into slumber.  
  
"Will you stop that, Happi!" Cologne demanded.  
  
"Oh, let the boy have his fun," Happosai said cheerfully. "Maybe later I can give him a few pointers..."  
  
*****  
  
A few hours (and several carnal choruses) later, Akane came down the stairs wearing one of Ranma's shirts and a very mischievous look. Nobody said anything as she went into the kitchen and filled a glass with some cold water.  
  
"Are you thirsty Akane?" Kasumi asked as Akane started back up the stairs without actually drinking any of the water.  
  
Akane looked down at the glass in her hand and smiled in that special kind of way. "Um... yeah," she said. "'scuse me!" She seemed to almost fly up the stairs.  
  
"Hey, Saotome," Soun said, suddenly very nervous. "I... I think it might be a wonderful idea to eat out tonight, what do you think?"  
  
"I think it's a great idea Tendo," Genma replied a bit too enthusiastically. "We can give Ranma and Akane some time alone to... well..."  
  
"To find that special spot that only a woman can appreciate?" Kasumi offered.  
  
"I... umm... I was going to say to get to know each other better," Genma stammered.  
  
"You guys can go ahead," Happosai said. "I'll stay here and keep an eye on the place..."  
  
Cologne smacked Happosai on the head. "Oh no you don't. If I have to loose a son-in-law to bad cookies you certainly aren't getting anything out of the deal."  
  
"No fair!" Happosai protested as he was hoisted over Cologne's shoulder, "It's my lifelong dream and you are going to make me miss it! No fair!"  
  
Genma meanwhile hoisted the still unconscious Shampoo over his shoulder. And with that, everyone departed, leaving Ranma and Akane alone to do what came natural for two lovers (especially if one of them had a gender switching curse).  
  
*****  
  
The next day...  
  
Ranma and Akane walked to school in silence. It turns out that Akane didn't actually need someone to tell her the powder had worn off. All it took was to wake up in girl-type Ranma's arms and remember everything they had done the previous night.  
  
Akane punted Ranma into the koi pond an instant later.  
  
They hadn't said anything after that. They dressed in silence, ate in silence (so intent on not saying anything that they didn't really notice that nobody else was in the house, having decided to keep clear for a couple of days, just in case) and now they walked in silence.  
  
"Oh man," Ranma finally said, more to himself than anything, "I am so tired..."  
  
They both stopped at the same instant, blushing furiously at the underlying implication.  
  
"It's your fault Ranma," Akane suddenly snapped. "You... you took advantage of me!"  
  
"Me?!" Ranma protested, dropping down from the fence to face her. "You were all over me! There was nothing I could do but..."  
  
"Oh yeah, sure," Akane snapped. "And just who was the one on top with the handcuffs?"  
  
"That was your idea Akane!" Ranma shot back. "Where did you get those anyway?" he asked out of curiosity.  
  
"They were in Kasumi's... THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" Akane seemed to shudder in rage. "I would never have done any of that if it hadn't been for those stupid cookies! That night was the low point of my life!"  
  
Ranma got a downcast look. "Really?"  
  
"That's right!" Akane said. "I am not some pervert!"  
  
"'Cause... well... I thought..."  
  
"Thought what, Ranma?" Akane demanded sternly.  
  
"I thought it was kinda nice..."  
  
His words seemed to neatly defuse her anger. "You mean it?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Yeah. Uhh... Akane?"  
  
Akane still seemed to be in a daze. "Yes?"  
  
"Can I... umm... well..."  
  
"What Ranma?" Akane asked.  
  
"If... well... if you like me and all... I was wondering if I could... well..."  
  
There was an obvious interpretation of Ranma's gibberish, and Akane took it. "I'M NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH YOU AGAIN!" she shouted as she swung her school bag at him.  
  
Ranma easily dodged the bag. "Geez Akane, that's not what I meant! I just wanted to know if I could hold your hand!"  
  
For the second time his words defused her anger. Her attack ceased as suddenly as it began. "You... you want to... hold my hand?"  
  
"Yeah," Ranma said sheepishly. "I... I'll... umm... understand if... you know... if you don't want to..."  
  
Akane went from surprise to puzzlement to frustration. After what they had shared last night he was nervous about holding her hand? "You dummy," she said, slipping her hand into his. She felt a surge of warmth go through her as Ranma gave her hand a squeeze.  
  
She realized that she wanted him right now, in the worst possible way, but they were going to be late for school as it was. Maybe tonight...  
  
FIN.  
  
Author's notes:  
  
1) Okay, where the heck did this come from? The original idea was to write a series of "paring off" stories which would have some popular choices (Ranma/Akane, Ukyo/Ryoga, Kuno/Nabiki, etc) ending up together under less than warm and fuzzy curcumstances. In some regards, sort of an Anti-WAFF. The inspiration for this one just sort of hit me one day, and I decided to start writing.  
  
2) What kind or ridiculous name is Uncle Doe? I'll have you know that my adorable little nieces gave me that name years ago (they had trouble properly pronouncing the J in Joe at the time, you see). You're going to have to figure out the Kontoraibansu gag on your own (hint, it's not much of a gag).  
  
3) Do I really believe it would come to this? Not really, if for no other reason than there's no Uncle Doe around distributing Kontoraibansu powder to the good amazons of Nerima. Do I believe in the Ranma/Akane matchup? I am not exactly a rabid cultist, but yes. The mutual attraction is clear to see. I leave it to greater sages than me to decide if it is enduring or transitory.  
  
4) Will it be continued? How would I know? It depends on if I am struck by inspiration again. 


	2. The Honorable Thing

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of paring off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 2: Ukyo Kuonji and Ryoga Hibiki, OR The Honorable Thing  
  
Ukyo Kuonji was, to say the least, a worried young woman as she searched the grounds of Furinkan High for Ranma.  
  
Ranma had been acting rather odd this morning. All through class today Ukyo had seem him stealing dopey looks at Akane. What's worse, she also saw Akane returning the looks. This was a dangerous precedent. Ukyo had always understood that Akane was her most serious competition for Ranma. Anyone with an eye and three brain cells could tell that the pair had a thing for each other. Fortunately though, this hadn't seemed to include either Ranma or Akane.  
  
However, it seemed that something had changed. Ukyo recognized lovesick eyes when she saw them.  
  
"Damnit!" she groused as she searched for Ranma. "If those two managed to sort themselves out then I've got a lot of work to do." Of course Ukyo could never believe that Ranma actually LOVED Akane. It just didn't fit in her world view, but she did acknowledge the idea of teenage infatuation, which right now was just as bad.  
  
She learned just how bad when she rounded a tree and found Ranma and Akane in a secluded part of the grounds.  
  
"Cut it out Akane!" Ranma pleaded as Akane pawed him with cheerful abandon. "We're still in school! What if someone sees us?"  
  
"Awe, come on Ranma!" Akane said in a playful, hungry... erotic tone that Ukyo hadn't thought she was capable of. "It's lunchtime, nobody's around, and I'm hungry!"  
  
"That hussy!" Ukyo hissed to herself as she ducked behind the tree to keep from being seen.  
  
"Geeze Akane!" Ranma pleaded, "I thought you said you weren't gonna do this no more!"  
  
"No more?!?!" Ukyo fumed to herself. "Just who does she think she is?"  
  
Whatever had come over Akane hadn't defused her quicksilver anger. "Oh sure!" she snapped. "You were more than happy to have your way with me last night when I was all drugged up!"  
  
Ukyo grabbed a low hanging tree branch, snapping it off in her shock, anger and betrayal. "HE WHAT!"  
  
"Now hold on a minute Akane!" Ranma demanded, having not noticed Ukyo's shout, "You ain't pinning that on me! You were the one who jumped me, got that?"  
  
"Oh, sure Ranma!" Akane said. "Like you were fighting real hard to get away!"  
  
Ukyo was currently approaching levels of rage that not even Akane would visit. The squabling couple didn't particularly notice.  
  
"That's different!" Ranma insisted.  
  
"Oh is it?!" Akane demanded.  
  
"YEAH!" Ranma shouted back.  
  
Akane's anger seemed to vanish, replaced with a predatory grin. "I get it," she said. "You're scared!"  
  
"Ex...excuse me?" Ranma stammered.  
  
"You're scared!" Akane repeated. "I bet you wouldn't even have the guts to kiss me!"  
  
"IS THAT SO!" Ranma shot back.  
  
"YEAH!" Akane returned.  
  
"YOU JUST WATCH ME!" And with that Ranma kissed her.  
  
Something seemed to snap within Ukyo as she watched Ranma and Akane share a very passionate kiss. She just stood there like a rock as the couple fell to the grass, still trading kisses.  
  
"Akane... we... we shouldn't..." Ranma's words weren't very coherent, but he got the point across.  
  
Akane was in the meanwhile working on the buttons of Ranma's shirt. "Shut up Ranma," she said.  
  
"Okay."  
  
Something else seemed to snap within Ukyo, and she realized that she could do something about this. She drew her spatula. "I...WILL...KILL...THEM..." she raged, clearly ready to carry out the deed.  
  
Somewhere in the tangle of kisses and heavy petting, Ranma managed to tell Akane he loved her. Though Akane missed it (engrossed as she was in Ranma's body rather than his words), Ukyo didn't. This had an imediate affect on her. Her anger vanished in an instant, replaced by deep, deep sadness. A single tear slid (dramatically) down her cheek.  
  
"See you around, Ranchan," she said, turning and walking away without ever being seen. Ranma and Akane had each other. Who was she to interfere?  
  
She wasn't sure how long she wandered around after that, but eventually she ran into Kuno. The kendoist seemed downright angry.  
  
"Ukyo Kuonji," he said. "Hast thou spied the despicable Ranma Saotome?"  
  
Ukyo was imediately on her guard. "Why do you want to know?"  
  
"I have heard of his apalling deeds from the lips of Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said, increasingly livid. "The vile Saotome has destroyed the purity of the beauteous Akane Tendo and the Pig Tailed Girl. For this crime I will destroy him! Now, tell me quick woman, wither Saotome?"  
  
Ukyo was about to say she didn't know, but then something crept into her mind. It was that little spark. The one that would make her hunt down someone for wrongs comitted a decade before by someone else. The one that would compel her to bring exploding food to a wedding. In a flash, Ukyo Kuonji rediscovered her vindictiveness. Screw not interfering, she wanted her revenge!  
  
"He's that way sugar," she said, pointing out the proper direction for Kuno. "We'd better hurry. He and Akane are alone together and he's got that look about him."  
  
Kuno's eyes flashed with rage. "Saotome... today your evil ends!"  
  
They started running.  
  
*****  
  
Akane snuggled in Ranma's arms after they were... umm... done.  
  
It simply amazed Ranma. Most of the time if they were saying anything they were bickering, fighting, or shouting about something. Even when they were... ahem... imersed in the act, they were at each other's throats (Ranma had the bruises and scratches to prove it). However, as they basked in the afterglow of what they shared, everything seemed to change. As Akane snuggled up to him, sighing contentedly, Ranma almost couldn't believe that this sweet, beautiful girl in his arms was the same violent tomboy he knew so well. He could sit here forever, running his fingers through her soft bl...  
  
Wait a minute. "Akane?"  
  
Akane turned her head and gazed into Ranma's eyes with a loving look. "Yes?"  
  
"What color is your hair?"  
  
The look Akane now gave Ranma seemed to indicate she was expecting him to say something entirely else. "What?"  
  
"Your hair is black, right?"  
  
"Yes Ranma," Akane said, quite frustrated. She was looking for romance and he asks about her hair color? Talk about a mood killer! "It's black, it's always been black. Why is that so important?"  
  
"Well, Cologne said the powder that... umm... that made you... you know... when we..." Even here, with Akane in his arms after a bout of hot sweaty jungle sex he couldn't actually bring himself to say it.  
  
"What about the powder," Akane said impatiently.  
  
"Well, she said it only had that affect on vio... err... on japanese girls with blue hair. So..."  
  
Akane's frustration quickly switched to anger as she shot to her feet. "So what?" she demanded. "Are you trying to tell me that I wasn't under the influence of that powder? ARE YOU CALLING ME SOME KIND OF PERVERT?!"  
  
"That ain't it Akane!" Ranma protested. "You ain't no pervert! I just thought it was kinda wierd, that's all."  
  
Akane seemed to calm down, but she was still simmering when she lay back down and cuddled next to Ranma again. "Probably the stupid gaijin that made it," she complained. "He probably couldn't tell the difference between blue hair and black..."  
  
A stupid gaijin with thick glasses and a black fedora walked past, giving them a thumbs up.  
  
"Yo," he said cheerfully like some kind of mental patient before disapearing behind a tree.  
  
"Who was that?" Ranma asked, confused. Part of him thought he should be alarmed that someone had seen them together like this, but for some reason he knew this guy didn't count.  
  
"I have no idea," Akane said.  
  
"SAOTOME!" Another figure stepped out from behind a tree.  
  
Ranma had no trouble recognizing this one. "Kuno..." he said nervously, "Umm... something wrong?"  
  
Ukyo likewise stepped out from behind the tree. "Hey Ranchan," she said, her voice friendly and yet distinctly NOT friendly, her spatula already out. "Whoah, done already eh? Kinda quick on the draw, aren't you?"  
  
Ranma and Akane suddenly realized that they were still in each other's arms and quickly separated, each blushing furiously.  
  
"Hold it!" Ranma said. "It ain't what it seems..."  
  
"Save it Ranchan," Ukyo said. "I saw the opening act."  
  
Ranma and Akane each found previously unknown shades of red.  
  
"Well...umm..." Ranma babbled, "that was just... well..."  
  
"Saotome..." Kuno hissed. "You enemy of women, you despoiler of virtue, today you breath your LAST!"  
  
"Sorry honey," Ukyo said, "it's the principle of the thing."  
  
Then they both attacked.  
  
But that's a story for another time.  
  
*****  
  
Is it a cliche to say Ryoga Hibiki was lost?  
  
Well, he was.  
  
"Where am I now?" he wondered as he walked along a strangely familiar shopping district. "I've been traveling for so long, I wonder what Akane's doing right now."  
  
"The Tendo school of everything goes sensual arts matress pole ride?" a helpful and cheerful voice offered.  
  
"Good one Kasumi!" a wizened dirty old voice said. "I always knew I liked you the best."  
  
"Why thank you grandfather Happosai," Kasumi replied.  
  
Ryoga was sutably stunned. This can't be! Did... did he just hear Kasumi say THAT? He began to slowly turn around.  
  
Kasumi smiled vacantly for him, Happosai standing next to her (Kasumi was his chaperone so he wouldn't bug Ranma and Akane). "Why hello Ryoga," she said. "It is so nice to see you again."  
  
"What..." Ryoga sputtered, "what did... did... did you just say about Akane?"  
  
Happosai took on a very knowing, wise look. "My son," he said...  
  
"Screwing people raw," "As does the phone company," "So shall Akane."  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "That was very poetic, though I don't think the sylable count will work in Japanese."  
  
The heavens prepared a lightning bolt for Kasumi, then realized they didn't have the heart to zap her and let it pass.  
  
Ryoga in the meanwhile seemed to have been turned to stone.  
  
"Hmm," Happosai said. "I was trying to let the lad down easily."  
  
"What..." Ryoga began to say again. "What... did you... say?"  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I don't think he's getting it." She decided to try again. "Akane has booked a permanent pass on Ranma's log ride."  
  
Ryoga twitched a little.  
  
"With free slurpys with every ride," Kasumi added.  
  
Ryoga twitched again.  
  
"And a hot dog to chew on whenever she wants it," Happosai offered.  
  
Another twitch.  
  
Happosai got a look of pure frustration. "RANMA AND AKANE ARE HAVING SEX!"  
  
That did it.  
  
Ryoga fell to his knees and cried out to the heavens.  
  
"NO, I WON'T BELIEVE IT! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!"  
  
The heavens hit Ryoga with the lightning bolt originally meant for Kasumi. Waste not want not.  
  
"Believe it, kid," Happosai said. "We wouldn't make this stuff up."  
  
"Oh yes," Kasumi said. "The family even decided to stay in a hotel for a few days to give them some privacy while they get all hot, wet, and nasty."  
  
Now that was just plain too much for ole Ryoga. He ran away screaming.  
  
"Oh dear oh dear," Kasumi said. "It may take the poor fellow a while to come to grips with this."  
  
*****  
  
Ryoga didn't know where he was running(of course, that was normal for him). He was just running.  
  
"This is a dream!" he kept telling himself over and over again. "Just an awful terrible dream!"  
  
Of course he was too busy not watching where he was running to notice the garbage can before he tripped over it, which sent him rolling through the door of the building across the street.  
  
"Hey you!" A girl's voice slurred. "No custom...customerrsunless they..." hic! "...they can...can walkin."  
  
Ryoga got back on his feet and got a good look at the proprietor of this establishment. "Ukyo?!"  
  
"Thassrite honey," Ukyo said. She'd been getting good and loaded ever since getting home from school. Suffice it to say her confrontation with Ranma and Akane did NOT go well. "You..." hic! "...you know me. Goodolereliable Ucchan. Happy to be of service... or beserviced... or somethin like that. Who needssomestupid old fiance..."  
  
"Are you..." Ryoga asked cautiously, "Are you drunk?"  
  
"Youbetcha!" Ukyo said. This seemed to strike her as exceedingly funny, and she began to chuckle manicaly. This quickly turned into sobbing.  
  
"Where did you get the alcohol?" Ryoga wanted to know. Ukyo was only sixteen years old. She couldn't just buy alcohol.  
  
"From...fromthatguy," Ukyo just barely managed to point out the guy in the black fedora and thick glasses that was just getting up to leave.  
  
"Yo," the guy said, giving Ukyo and Ryoga a thumbs up as he left.  
  
[NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: The staff here wants it to be known that we do not encourage underage drinking, and the actions taken by the mysterious man in the black fedora should not be taken as the policy of the editorial staff (me) or the writers (also me). On behalf of all of me, drinking is bad kids! Thank you.]  
  
"Who's that guy?" Ryoga asked.  
  
"Whocares?" Ukyo slurred, then started sobbing again.  
  
"What's the matter?" Ryoga wanted to know.  
  
"Stupid, stupid Ranma!" she wailed. "I..." hic! "...caught him!"  
  
In a flash everything Kasumi and Happosai had told him came back to Ryoga. "Oh no..."  
  
"Shewas all overim," Ukyo continued, "like an octopus or somethin... heee...he couldafought her off...hesbeated... beated... lossastrongguys and stuff...buthe didnwana."  
  
"Oh no..." Ryoga pleaded, "please no..."  
  
"Ilosthim to atomboythatcantcook!" Ukyo wailed.  
  
There was a distinct sound of glass shattering as Ryoga slumped over the counter, lost in absolute misery.  
  
"I'm in hell!" he wailed.  
  
Ukyo seemed to snap out of her anguish. "Hey...youneed a..." hic! "...a drink."  
  
She pulled out a container that might have been a very big glass, or just a big vase, and began filling it with sake.  
  
"Yossgot some catchinup," she said.  
  
Lost in misery, Ryoga decided it couldn't hurt. He started drinking.  
  
"Yourekina...cute," Ukyo said. "Youknowthat?"  
  
*****  
  
The next morning Ukyo awoke with a splitting headache.  
  
"Oh wow!" she said as she sat up. "Just how much did I drink last night?"  
  
Something didn't feel right, actually something was horribly wrong, but in her hung over state she wasn't sure what.  
  
She looked down at herself. "Okay, where are my cloths?" she wondered. She wasn't in the habit of sleeping in the nude. That was wierd, but that wasn't it.  
  
"What am I doing on this side of the bed?" she wondered next. She didn't usually make a habit of sleeping on one side or the other of the bed either, prefering to sprawl out in the middle. That wasn't it, but she had a feeling that she was getting warmer.  
  
She looked over to the other side of the bed to see Ryoga's naked form starting to wake up.  
  
That was it.  
  
"Oh god."  
  
Ryoga awoke and looked up. His eyes widdened.  
  
"What... What are you doing here!" he uttered in terror.  
  
"This is my bed, you jackass!" Ukyo shot back. "The question is what are you doing here?"  
  
Ryoga's eyes slowly lowered, moving from looking at her face to fearfully glimpsing her exposed breasts.  
  
"You're naked!" he said incredulously.  
  
"Watch the eyes, pig boy!" Ukyo shouted as she pulled the covers up with one hand and slapped Ryoga good with the other.  
  
Ryoga wisely averted his eyes. "Did... did we..."  
  
"NO!" Ukyo shouted. "Listen up Ryoga, this never happened! It's beyond pathetic, I am not that desperate, and it never happened. You got that? We never speak of this again!"  
  
"O... okay," Ryoga said, still trying to process what had "never happened".  
  
"Now get out of here," Ukyo ordered.  
  
Ryoga quickly gathered up his scattered cloths and fled. Only then did Ukyo relax.  
  
"What was I thinking?" she wondered. "At least its over."  
  
Maybe she should have gotten a second opinion...  
  
*****  
  
Nine months later...  
  
"Mr. Hibiki?" the nurse said. "Your wife is ready to see you."  
  
Ryoga recieved a supporting pat on the back from Ranma (both he and Akane had come along with Ryoga, partially to make sure he got there in time for the blessed event) before following the nurse.  
  
He was led into the delivery room, where his wife, Ukyo Hibiki, held their new son. Seeing mother holding son like that just brought all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings to Ryoga's heart, and it was almost enough to make him hope that perhaps their marriage could become a little more... meaningful.  
  
Okay, sure he had originally proposed only because it was the honorable thing to do. And sure she had only accepted because she couldn't hope to take care of a child and support herself on her own. Sure there was no warmth or affection from Ukyo at all, and sure she still never really gave up on Ranma. Sure she told Ryoga practically every day that she hated his guts for what he did to her... But maybe this would change that. Maybe Ukyo would see it in her heart to forgive him for one night that was as much her fault as his (maybe more, she WAS the one passing out the sake). Maybe she could find it in her heart to... love him like he loved her...  
  
"Ryoga, dear," Ukyo said softly. "C'mere."  
  
Ryoga leaned in to hear what his wife had to say. "Yes honey?"  
  
"As soon as our son is old enough to take care of himself," Ukyo said with that sort of sugary acid voice she did so well (sweet yet corrosive), "I'm going to kill you."  
  
Ryoga winced. "Yes dear."  
  
Or maybe not.  
  
FIN.  
  
Author's notes:  
  
1) Well how did you expect me to get them together? I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of the classic romantic Ryoga/Ukyo matchup. I think Ryoga can easily fall in love with practically anything in a skirt, but I just don't see it from Ukyo's end. Besides, it sounds like the joining of the loosers. Two people who couldn't get who they wanted so they settled for each other.  
  
2) No I don't think of Akane as a perverted superfreak. However everything she does is with great vigor. She fights with great vigor, she gets angry with great vigor, she cooks, not well, but with great vigor. It makes sense that once she figured out the joy of boinking Ranma she would do that too with... well with great vigor.  
  
3) In reference to a comment I recieved concerning the last chapter: After recent veiwing of the first hundred and twenty odd episodes of the TV series (including a day long viewing of the season three boxed set a couple days ago), I can say definitively that Akane Tendo's hair is colored dark blue. HOWEVER, I vaguely recall hearing somewhere that the dark blue coloring is frequently used to represent black in Anime. I do not know how reliable that claim is, as I simply cannot recall where it came from or why it would be so. On the other hand, the few bits of Manga I have seen indicate that Akane has black hair in the manga. What does this mean? For the purposes of this story Akane will have black or blue hair depending on my whims (expect it to change from chapter to chapter).  
  
4) Don't let this rather quick update fool you. I have no real clue when I'll get more ideas for this. (Though I suppose I should work on it, seeing as how I included a nice little cliffhanger in this chapter...)  
  
5) Credit where credit is due... The phrase "Hot Steamy Jungle Sex" is not my own. I remember hearing it (or something like it) on an episode of Fraiser and it just seemed to fit. 


	3. The Siege of Kuno

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 3: Nabiki Tendo and Tatewaki Kuno, OR The Siege of Kuno  
  
The day after the night of a thousand satisfied sighs...  
  
Nabiki Tendo sat in class during lunch, Her lunch uneaten, her head resting on her hand, lost in thought.  
  
The game, she realized, was starting to get old.  
  
Most people no doubt thought of Nabiki as simply a very greedy girl who would sell her fiance (if she had one) for six thousand yen. Well, that wasn't quite true. She'd let him go for five thousand, though she'd also expect another six thousand from him as a severance package.  
  
She was, to say the least, a little bit MORE than very greedy.  
  
The only problem was that things around here were starting to become routine. It was something she realized at the hotel last night, hiding out while Akane and Ranma had the house all to themselves and did god knows what.  
  
As Nabiki sat in the hotel room, trying to figure out how to turn this new event to her advantage, she realized that the whole thing was simply not all that much fun anymore. The relatively small change she made on her dealings had lost its allure. Working a free meal out of someone didn't seem as appealing as it used to. She wanted more. She wanted something more than trading small change for a few racy photos.  
  
Maybe it was because Akane had finally (albeit with the help of a wierd potion) made real progress in her relationship with Ranma, but Nabiki felt that she could be so much more than she was now, could have so much more, and she WANTED it. She wanted money, power, influence. More to the point, she felt she deserved it.  
  
Somewhere, some part of her pointed out that she was only seventeen, she had plenty of time to become a sucess, and there was no reason to rush things. She told it to shut up. Nabiki Tendo isn't necessarily the most patient of people. She was setting up pyramid schemes to deprive classmates of their lunch money when she was six years old. Why should she have to wait any longer for greatness?  
  
She sighed. "Maybe I should just get myself a boyfriend or something," she said to herself, then started laughing at the absurdity of the thought. No; romance, love, and the building of a family might have been enough for some girls, but not Nabiki Tendo. Not for the girl voted "most likely to be gunned down by the mob" in junior high!  
  
Nevertheless, Nabiki knew that she had no choice but to wait. She knew she had long years of hard work ahead of her before she could make her dreams of coporate empire a reality. Unless she were to somehow marry someone rich, someone dense enough to let her take full reign or his assets...  
  
"Nabiki Tendo!" Kuno interupted, "I need to speak to you."  
  
If he had known how opportune his arrival was, Kuno would have run for the hills. In the handful of seconds following his interuption, Nabiki's lightning quick mind had already begun to process Kuno's estimated net worth and what she could do with it. She looked up, giving Kuno a wicked smile that for the moment had him on edge.  
  
"Yes, Kuno-baby?" She said.  
  
Kuno quickly got over his unease at Nabiki's friendly yet strangely predatory smile. "I have heard base rumors from the louts Hiroshi and Daisuke that the cretinous Ranma Saotome has been seen holding the hand of the beauteous Akane Tendo."  
  
"So they made it to school today," Nabiki said, her mind furiously working while she kept her calm facade, "that's a shock."  
  
Kuno slammed a fist down on Nabiki's desk. "What do you mean by this, woman?" he demanded. "What vile ensorcelment has Saotome worked on the fair Akane?"  
  
Nabiki had in the meanwhile worked up a rather viable strategy that... well, made her more than a little nauseous. Actually it made her want to toss her breakfast all over Kuno. It was unthinkable, unspeakable, unprecedented...  
  
But if it failed she risked nothing, or so she hoped. If it succeeded she had what she wanted most of all. Money, power, a chance to go from dealing in highschool bathrooms to corporate boardrooms in less than a year! But could she stomach the price she would have to pay, what she would have to endure, to make her dream a reality? Did she dare... Did she dare to shake the universe to its foundation in an act that was against all principles of reason and sanity?  
  
Did she dare... to become Tatewaki Kuno's WIFE?  
  
Was the prize she sought, the prize of wealth, power, and influence, worth that steep and terrible price?  
  
Yes.  
  
Actually, not only yes, but HELL YES!  
  
So she told him just what was up.  
  
"No sorcery, Kuno-baby," she said. "Though something did happen between them..."  
  
"What happened, Nabiki Tendo," Kuno demanded. "What could have happened that would make the divine Akane Tendo lose herself enough to consent to let that lout grasp her beautiful hand?"  
  
Nabiki dearly wished Kasumi were here, the eldest Tendo daughter had a real flair for breaking this sort of news.  
  
"Well, Kuno-baby," Nabiki said, "the short form is that Akane slept with him."  
  
Many people have theorized that Tatewaki Kuno's mind has something of an automatic safety shutdown which disconnects it when he hears or sees something he doesn't want to believe. This allows him to reinterpet the offending information to better suit his way of thinking without his mind collapsing. Others theorize that Kuno is just that dense. For whatever reason...  
  
"The despicable Ranma Saotome!" he raged, heedless of the crowd of students that had pratically materialized around them as soon as Nabiki spilled the beans, "sharing the same bedding as the virtuous Akane Tendo! The fiend!"  
  
"You seem to be missing it," Nabiki said.  
  
"You told me they slept together," Kuno said. "There is little to miss."  
  
"Yes," Nabiki conceeded, "but they didn't actually sleep or anything."  
  
"Your words make no sense Nabiki Tendo!" Kuno pronounced.  
  
"They make perfect sense to me," one of the students said.  
  
"Okay, Kuno-baby," Nabiki said, "from the top. Last night..."  
  
Kuno nodded, waiting for Nabiki to continue.  
  
"All night..."  
  
Another nod from Kuno.  
  
"Ranma and Akane..."  
  
Another nod.  
  
"Had sex."  
  
The audience gasped in astonishment and began gabbing amongst themselves as to the ramifications of this new development.  
  
Kuno stood as still and silent as a granite monolith.  
  
"They had a lot of hot, sweaty, noisy sex," Nabiki decided to add.  
  
Kuno collapsed.  
  
"I guess he took that pretty well."  
  
Kuno shot back to his feet, his face a mask of rage. "YOU LIE!"  
  
"Now why would I lie about something like this?" Nabiki asked. She decided to push him over the edge. "I think the pig-tailed girl made an appearance too."  
  
That sent the crowd wild. Kuno collapsed again.  
  
He then just as promptly shot back to his feet, his bokken aimed at Nabiki's heart with a murderous intent.  
  
"VILE WOMAN!" he shouted, "know that though you are but a defenseless girl I will strike you down for such slander!"  
  
Nabiki raised her hands nonthreateningly. "Now hold it Kuno," she said. "Everything I've told you is true. I have nothing to gain by lying to you. I just thought you would want to know."  
  
"You swear on your very life?" Kuno demanded.  
  
"On my very life," Nabiki said.  
  
For a moment Nabiki thought that perhaps Kuno didn't believe her, because he only seemed to get angrier. She briefly wondered if she had just managed to get herself killed.  
  
"SAOTOME!" he thundered loud enough to shake the windows. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS UNSPEAKABLE DEED! I TATEWAKI KUNO, THE BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH, WILL AVENGE THE HONOR OF AKANE TENDO AND THE PIG-TAILED GIRL! PREPARE YOURSELF, WRETCH, FOR YOUR TIME IS..."  
  
"Aren't you jumping to conclusions?" Nabiki interupted.  
  
"What do you mean, woman?" Kuno demanded, a bit annoyed that his big dramatic speech had been interrupted.  
  
"Well," Nabiki said, "I admit I didn't exactly see anything, but from what I could hear it seemed pretty clear that the whole thing was Akane's idea, not Ranma's." Though she didn't expect Kuno to just accept that right away, his eventual acceptance would be important, if not absolutely necessary, if she were to eventually win him herself.  
  
Kuno scoffed. "Impossible."  
  
"Oh, Do tell."  
  
"Akane Tendo like all maidens is pure, noble, and innocent," Kuno said. "She is simply incapable of the base behavior you ascribe to her. Obviously the vile monster Saotome has worked his evil sorcery upon her."  
  
"Gee, Kuno-baby," Nabiki asked. "Am I as pure and noble?"  
  
"Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said, "You are not a maiden, but likely a deamon from hell sent to plague me."  
  
"Why Kuno-baby," Nabiki replied, "I'm flattered."  
  
"Enough of your prattle, woman!" Kuno declared. "I'm off!" With that he ran out of the room. The crowd gathered around Nabiki.  
  
"Is it true?" one of them said. "Did Akane and Ranma do it?"  
  
Nabiki smiled. "Now would I lie to you?" she asked, getting up from her seat. "Now if you'll excuse me..."  
  
She definitely didn't want to miss this.  
  
*****  
  
Skipping ahead, or rather back to where we left off...  
  
Ranma and Akane sat just apart, trying really hard to not look like they had been snuggling in each other's arms after a bout of lovemaking. Kuno and Ukyo faced them down, weapons drawn, neither of them looking particularly happy.  
  
"Saotome..." Kuno hissed. "You enemy of women, you despoiler of virtue, today you breath your LAST!"  
  
"Sorry honey," Ukyo said, "it's the principle of the thing."  
  
Then they both attacked. Kuno went after Ranma with a murderous intent, his bokken moving so fast that even Ranma was having trouble keeping track of it. Ranma did his best to avoid the strikes, but he could feel the airpressure alone ripping at him.  
  
Ukyo in the meantime went after Akane just as hard. "You have no right you tramp!" she shouted as she flailed her giant spatula. "Ranma was promised to me before you even met him!" She let loose a volley of smaller spatulas. Akane mostly managed to avoid them, though in the process she lost her footing and fell to the ground. Ukyo loomed over her.  
  
"You understand me you slut?!" Ukyo shouted, raising her spatula for the final blow, "RANMA'S MINE!"  
  
"Akane!" Ranma cried.  
  
Kuno took advantage of Ranma's distraction and landed a solid blow against his back, sending him sprawling to the ground.  
  
Ukyo swung her spatula.  
  
Akane tensed, waiting for the blow.  
  
Ranma screamed Akane's name again, knowing he could never get there in time.  
  
And Kuno parried the blow.  
  
"What are you doing you jackass?!" Ukyo demanded of the kendoist.  
  
"Our fight is with the foul Saotome!" Kuno snapped. "It is he who has done ill by taking the virtue of the fair Akane Tendo!"  
  
"Akane seduced Ranma you idiot!" Ukyo shot back. "I saw it, remember? She was all over him and he was pleading with her to stop!"  
  
Kuno's eyes flashed with anger. "I will not allow you to slander the good and pure Akane Tendo in this way! En Garde!"  
  
While Kuno and Ukyo went at it, Ranma and Akane slipped away.  
  
Shortly thereafter, Ukyo quickly proved herself the more angry person, sending Kuno into unconciousness with a solid blow to the head.  
  
"All right," she said, "now that that's out of the way..." she looked around for Akane and Ranma, only to find that neither of them were anywhere to be seen.  
  
"Crap," she said. "Where did they go?" She looked down at the unconcious kendoist. "This is all your fault!" she declared, her voice begining to crack, her anger quickly sliding into misery. "If it... it hadn't been for you..." she fell to her knees and began sobbing, wondering if she was refering to Kuno, Akane, or herself "you buting in like that..."  
  
She stopped sobbing. With a sad smile she got back to her feet and walked off.  
  
*****  
  
Kuno awoke to find himself lying in a bed in the Nurse's office. With a start he imediately sat up. "SAOTOME!" he raged. "YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME FOREVER!"  
  
"Haven't you had enough, Kuno-baby?" Nabiki asked, sitting by his bedside.  
  
"Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said, "what is your purpose here?"  
  
"Gee Kuno-baby," Nabiki replied. "I was the one who found you and brought you here. You were in sorry shape." And that was true, Nabiki had found Kuno unconcious and actually had dragged him to the nurse's office. Oh the things she did for financial security!  
  
"That fiend Saotome!" Kuno spat, "that corrupter of women! Twisting the fair Ukyo's mind to thoughts of jealousy and turning her against all that it noble! He will pay for this and all his other crimes!"  
  
Here goes, Nabiki thought to herself, steeling herself for what promised to be a truly unpleasant next few moments.  
  
"Oh Tatewaki!" She cried, suddenly very emotional, "why must you always fight that awful Ranma?"  
  
Kuno would have made a big response about honor, duty, and love, but he realized something was very amiss. "Tate...Tatewaki?" he sputtered. Nabiki had never EVER spoken to him in such an... affectionate... manner. "Nabiki Tendo, are you feeling all right?"  
  
Nabiki looked down, tears running down her cheeks. "Don't you know that every time you risk your life fighting that monster I die a little inside?" she said softly.  
  
Kuno imediately got a wary look. "Nabiki Tendo, I care not for your jests," he said.  
  
"Jests," Nabiki repeated, sounding awfully hurt. "Of course... of course you would think that. All this time, all the times I tried to push you away... Of course you would think that of me..." She threw her arms around Kuno and began weeping.  
  
"Nabiki Tendo, unhand me!" Kuno demanded. As much as he believed that most girls wanted to tearfully embrace him, Nabiki just didn't register as one of them. "Cease your madness!"  
  
"Don't you understand?" Nabiki tearfully confessed. "All those times I tried to drive you away, I was only hiding! I... I could never bring myself to admit the truth... I love you Tatewaki! I always have and I always will!"  
  
Something in Kuno's mind reached critical meltdown. It was as though the universe itself had gone all crosseyed and backwards. Nabiki Tendo, the sucubus, the vampiress that fed off of him, leeched him constantly for every paltry yen she could, loved him? No, it could not be! And yet...  
  
"Nabiki Tendo," Kuno asked. "Do you speak the truth?"  
  
Nabiki gazed up into his eyes, her own eyes shining with a love (or a close facsimili) that Kuno had never seen before from ANYONE.  
  
"Yes, Tatewaki," Nabiki said softly. "I swear it on my very life."  
  
Kuno looked to the heavens (or ceiling rather) in anguish. She loved him! Oh curse his magnificence, that even the most bitter of enemies should be swayed to him! Oh cruel fate!  
  
"Nabiki," he said solemly. "That I have been able to turn you away from the dark path you have walked for so long fills me with joy. However, know that I can never return your pure and innocent love. My heart, fair Nabiki, will ever belong to Akane Tendo and the Pig Tailed Girl. I am sorry."  
  
Nabiki's anguished expression quickly changed to something entirely other, but Kuno didn't notice. She got up without saying a word and walked out.  
  
"Alas the poor maiden," Kuno mourned, "to be denied her love so cruelly. Truly this world is a harsh and terrible place!"  
  
*****  
  
"Drat," Nabiki said as soon as she got out the door. "There's room enough in his heart and his tiny little mind for Akane and his pig tailed girl. The least he could do is make a little for me."  
  
She'd really hoped that would have gone better. She'd hope to play into his samurai fantasy mindset, smashing her way into his insane heart like a melodramatic sledgehammer, and she'd made progress. Kuno no longer refered to her by her full name, using a more informal form of adress, but it was far less than she hoped for. She could keep working on him, chipping away his resistance until he finally crumbled before her, but that would take time, and she doubted she could stomach much more of this act. It was because she couldn't stand the idea of a long courtship with Kuno in the first place that she had decided to go with the one massive blast of pure sap.  
  
"At this rate I'll be able to earn my own fortune before I can get his," she complained. "That is if it doesn't drive me batty! I need something else, but what?"  
  
*****  
  
It would be two weeks before she came up with another idea.  
  
Most of the residents of the Tendo Dojo were still staying away, though this time it wasn't Ranma and Akane's activities that caused it, but Shampoo and Mousse, who had the place under virtual siege trying to get Akane to give up Ranma.  
  
But that part is a story for another time. The important thing is that with the house off limits, that meant most of the food came from elsewhere.  
  
In this particular case, Nabiki was just on her way to Ucchans for dinner, still with no idea how to get her hands on Kuno's assets, when she ran into Ryoga.  
  
This in itself was a surprise, but what made it even more interesting was that the martial artist appeared to be in real, pure fear for his life.  
  
"Kee... Keep her away from me!" he pleaded with Nabiki, hiding behind her.  
  
Okay, Nabiki decided, this was certainly a shock to the system. Normally Ryoga feared nothing, except maybe cold water and talking to Akane. Just what could be going on that would give the eternal wanderer the screaming willies?  
  
"WHERE ARE YOU RYOGA HIBIKI!?!?" a bitter, angry, bloodthirsty, and barely recognizable voice demanded as though in answer to Nabiki's unspoken question. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IN WAYS YOU CAN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!"  
  
"So Ryoga," Nabiki asked nonchalantly, "what exactly did you do to Ukyo?"  
  
"I don't know!" Ryoga declared, terrified. "Just keep her away from me!"  
  
"Here piggy piggy piggy!" Ukyo called, apparently coming closer. "I'm feeling like bacon tonight!"  
  
Ryoga tried to cower even closer to Nabiki.  
  
"Hey," Nabiki said, "Nobody gets that close to me without dinner and some flowers."  
  
Ukyo came around the corner, and just from the rage that seemed to radiate off of her, Nabiki was almost (almost) inspired to run away screaming into the night in terror. Instead she just crossed her arms and stepped aside to give the girl a clear shot. Whatever was going on, Nabiki didn't want to be in the line of fire.  
  
"THERE YOU ARE!" Ukyo shouted in victory. "Did you really think you could just knock me up and get away with it Ryoga?" she demanded.  
  
Okay, some euphemisms were lost on Ryoga. "Knock you up?" he questioned.  
  
"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT YOU JACKASS!" Ukyo clarified. "God knows how your guys found the way... but you did it. YOU'VE RUINED ME!" She swung her spatula. Though Ryoga managed to dodge the blow (even though his brain had siezed up after what Ukyo had told him), Ukyo cleaved a fair bit of sidewalk with her attack. If it had connected it would have likely split his skull like a melon.  
  
Not that Nabiki noticed. Her mind was still stuck on the idea that Ryoga had gotten Ukyo pregnant. That certainly wasn't all that expected.  
  
"WHAT IS RANMA GOING TO THINK OF ME NOW?" Ukyo demanded, continuing her attacks. "HOW AM I GOING TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND A KID? HUH RYOGA? HOW?"  
  
Ryoga meanwhile seemed to be lost in anguish, as though he was trying to sort everything out. He continued to evade Ukyo's blows, but his mind was definitely elsewhere.  
  
Suddenly his expression changed, as though he had made a decision, one of them monumental, earth shaking decisions.  
  
"I'VE LOST ANY CHANCE I EVER HAD FOR HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU, RYOGA!" Ukyo screamed, looking to finish the job, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?"  
  
Suddenly Ryoga snatched Ukyo's spatula and swiftly disarmed her, grabbing her wrists.  
  
"Marry me, Ukyo," he said quietly.  
  
Nabiki was stunned, as was Ukyo, but the okonomiyaki chef recovered quickly, savagely kicking Ryoga in the groin.  
  
"I'm trying to kill you, you jackass!" she hissed. "I'm not looking for a husband!"  
  
"I... I know..." Ryoga said through the pain of crushed jewels. "I... I can never be forgiven for what I did to you, but you... you can't take care of our child by yourself."  
  
Ukyo kicked him in the groin again. And again. And again. And again.  
  
"Damn you Ryoga!" she said as the now quite possibly neutered martial artist writhed on the ground in pain. "Damn you and your honor!"  
  
Nabiki in the meanwhile processed what she had just witnessed. Of course, honor! If she could just...  
  
She quickly took on a rather greenish cast when she realized what she was thinking.  
  
"Oh god," she said to herself, wondering if she was taking this thing too far. "Is Kuno's money really worth it?"  
  
In one way it was really a small sacrifice. She'd probably even enjoy it, and a part of her was willing to make ANY sacrifice to get what she wanted. It's... it's no worse than pretending she loved the idiot, right?  
  
But if it didn't work... If she let Kuno do... do THAT to her without getting what she wanted... Could she forgive herself? And even if it did work... if this so called small sacrifice actually got her Kuno and his money, could she ever feel clean again?  
  
*****  
  
It had taken a couple days to get everything set up. The residents of the Tendo dojo had finally been able to return home after Akane's surprising defeat of Shampoo. Though that matter was far from resolved, things had returned to some semblance of peace.  
  
Of course that too was a story for another day.  
  
When Nabiki reached the roof of the Furinkan high clock tower, Kuno was waiting for her, as expected. Dense though he may be, he could always be counted on to be punctual.  
  
"Nabiki Tendo," he said, once again full of formality. "It pains me to see that you have returned to old habits of late. For what reason have you summoned me here?"  
  
After the failure of her first attempt, Nabiki had pretty much stopped her work on Kuno. After all, she could only put up with so much...  
  
With that in mind, Nabiki thought about what she was planning and very nearly turned around and left. Could she really go through with this? Shouldn't she save what she was about to so flippantly give up? Save it for someone she could actually... care about?  
  
With a concious effort she banished those childish thoughts. Maybe she wasn't as grown up as she liked to believe after all. She shut the door to the stairs and locked it with the key she had bribed out of the superintendent yesterday. This was all for something a little bit more significant than some concept of purity and virginity. Purity she'd abandoned a long time ago, and virginity was just a physical condition.  
  
"What are you doing?" Kuno demanded, on his guard.  
  
"We don't want to be interupted." Nabiki replied, taking a deep breath. Here goes everything... She threw the key to the door off of the clock tower.  
  
"What are you doing?!" Kuno demanded once again, running to the edge, watching the key, his only real escape rout, plummet to the concrete below.  
  
"Tatewaki," Nabiki said, taking a step towards him. "I love you. I burn for you! I cannot stand this hiding any longer! I offer myself to you, whole and entire, body and soul."  
  
"But...but...but..." Kuno sputtered as Nabiki crept seductively up to him and circled her arms around his midsection. "This...this cannot be allowed!"  
  
"Hush, love," Nabiki said in a deep, throaty voice. "Just relax and let me show you how much I love you..."  
  
"But...Nabiki Tendo..." Kuno's pleas were getting more frantic, but as Nabiki pressed closer to him, slowly forcing both of them to a laying position, she could... ahem... feel that at least part of him was receptive to the idea.  
  
"Relax, love," Nabiki said softly, "I'll be gentle."  
  
"But... but... I despise you!" Kuno's protest sounded strong enough, but Nabiki could tell his willpower was virtually broken. His arms were slowly, possibly involuntarily, slipping around her. His body was pressing even closer against hers. All that was left was the kill.  
  
"Even better," Nabiki purred seductively as she began kissing her way up to his ear. When she got there she briefly nibbled on the lobe. "Little sister says adversarial sex is the best," she whispered.  
  
Unfortunately, her final shot seemed to have the completely wrong affect. Kuno tensed up, threw Nabiki off of him, started screaming as though his mind had finally blown a seal, and ran straight off the roof.  
  
"Drat," Nabiki said as she sat there, watching Kuno fall several stories to the pavement, get up, and continue running as though the devil herself was on his tail. "That could have gone a lot better... I should have known better than to mention Akane. Now I'll have to start all over on him." However, a great part of her felt an overwhelming sense of relief. She suddenly wondered once again if she would have been willing to actually go through with it.  
  
She shook her head as she fished the spare key out of the hem of her dress (she wasn't actually about to trap them both up here, after all). She didn't think she'd be able to try this particular method again. Kuno would almost certainly be staying clear of her for quite some time to come.  
  
"Wait a minute," she suddenly said, "perhaps I've been going about this the wrong way. Who says I actually have to do the deed at all?"  
  
Yes, she told herself as she worked out the details, this time she had him for sure!  
  
*****  
  
"Here they are, gramps," Nabiki said as she displayed her latest wares to the greatest evil in all Japan.  
  
They were snapshots. Certainly not her normal shots though. These were acquired at great personal risk to Nabiki, and rather than featuring just girl-type Ranma or Akane, they featured both.  
  
In very compromising positions. Apparently the couple occasionally liked to experiment.  
  
Happosai's head looked like it was about to explode. Nabiki just hoped she could close the deal before Ranma and Akane found out what she had been doing with her new telephoto lense. She didn't think Kuno's money would do her corpse all that much good (This was also the reason why these shots were not for sale to the general Furinkan high populace).  
  
"These are just samples of course," Nabiki said. "I've got another fifty prime shots, if you are interested."  
  
Happosai's perversion got the better of him. "I'll give you anything you want!" he said. "You want bras? Panties? Assassinations? I'll kill anyone you want dead!"  
  
Nabiki smiled. "I want to learn the cicada shell technique, along with a few other tricks."  
  
"You got it baby!" he said. "Now gimmie!"  
  
Nabiki shook her head. "After you teach me what I want to know."  
  
"Oh, how dare you tease a frail old man like this!" Happosai protested.  
  
*****  
  
The cicada shell technique was surprisingly easy for Nabiki to master. Within two weeks she was ready.  
  
Then it was time for the final assault.  
  
Late one evening Nabiki drifted through the Kuno family estate, there but not really there. Everyone was asleep, which suited her just fine.  
  
It took some doing to find Kuno's room, but she did. She wasn't all that surprised to see the pictures of girl-type Ranma and Akane that decorated the room, but she paid them no heed.  
  
She drifted over to the side of the kendoist's bed and with a thought emerged from the cicada-shell technique, materializing at Kuno's bedside. Slipping a small vial of liquid out of her pocket, she poured the contents into Kuno's mouth.  
  
Uncle Doe's pantented Borainwaashu tonic had proven a real boon to her plan. Originally she had planned to use techniques for post hypnotic suggestion learned from Happosai, however those techniques could prove rather hit or miss. The borainwaashu tonic (which she had gotten from an odd fellow wearing a black fedora and big thick glasses) on the other hand locked the subject in a paralyzed dream state for several hours. Though Nabiki couldn't actually brainwash him that way, the tonic did make it very easy to control the content of his dreams.  
  
And after the fiasco with Uncle Doe's other patented product, Nabiki made certain to check for wierd side affects.  
  
Once she was certain the tonic had time to take affect, she quickly stripped off her cloths in the most agressive maner she could, snapping buttons and ripping cloth, scattering the remnants about the room. Once that was done, she climbed into Kuno's bed.  
  
"Oh, Tatewaki," she said softly into his ear, "why did you bring me here?"  
  
"Nab...Nabiki Tendo," Kuno mumbled in his sleep, "what are you doing here?"  
  
"You brought me here," Nabiki whispered. "You have taken me into your arms."  
  
"No..." Kuno said, "...must not."  
  
"Yes," Nabiki said, "you are tearing at my cloths. Oh Tatewaki, we mussent! Think of the dishonor! Think of my purity!"  
  
"No... cannot... wrong..."  
  
"You've forced me to the bed... no Tatewaki! I know I offered myself to you, but we must not! We cannot! But I cannot stop you. I stop struggling, I cannot escape you, I know that now. I submit."  
  
"No..." Kuno pleaded. "Fight... Nabiki... escape... no control..."  
  
"Oh... oh Tate...Tatewaki!"  
  
Kuno began to cry in his sleep. "What... have... I... done!"  
  
Nabiki just smiled and went to sleep.  
  
*****  
  
Kuno awoke with a start, a nightmare he had been unable to awaken from still clawing at him in the back of his mind.  
  
"Only a dream," he said to himself breathlessly, his body soaked with sweat. He had feared the unspeakable. He had feared that that awful nightmare, that he had forced himself upon Nabiki Tendo, had been the truth. But here he was, safe and alone.  
  
Then he felt someone stir next to him.  
  
"No..." he uttered silently. He slowly turned his head, dreading what he was about to behold.  
  
And there was Nabiki, lying nude next to him, looking at him fearfully.  
  
"No..." he uttered again. "Twas a dream, this cannot be! AWAY VILE PHANTOM!"  
  
Nabiki's eyes widened in shock. "Away, you would send me away after... after you..."  
  
She curled up into a ball, wailing. "I'm ruined!" she cried. "I've brought shame to my family! To be used and discarded... just as my sister has by Saotome... no! The dishonor!"  
  
Kuno recoiled in shock to being compared to his rival Saotome. Had he truly become such a man?  
  
Nabiki suddenly shot out of the bed. Grabbing the Kuno family sword from its place on the wall, she laid the razor sharp steel of the blade against her wrist with a clearly suicidal intent.  
  
"Nabiki, hold!" Kuno pleaded.  
  
"The stain on the family honor must be erased!" Nabiki cried, looking like she was about to do it.  
  
"No, Nabiki wait!" Kuno pleaded. "I know not what demon possessed me last night, but you must not end your life!"  
  
"I have no choice! The Tendo family is proud! When father hears that I have been used and discarded like a common whore he will demand my death!"  
  
Kuno knew there was only one thing he could do to prevent this tragedy. He imediately stepped forward without hesitation.  
  
"I shall not discard you, then," he said solemly. "Nabiki, marry me and the stain on your honor shall be erased."  
  
The sword slipped out of Nabiki's hand to clatter on the floor. "You... you mean it?"  
  
"I mean it," Kuno said. "I have inflicted grevious ill upon you Nabiki, allow me to spend a lifetime in making amends."  
  
Nabiki flung herself into Kuno's arms. "Thank you Tatewaki!" she cried. Fortunately Kuno could not see the look of triumph on Nabiki's face as he held her. She thought back to his words. "I will spend a lifetime in making amends."  
  
Yes you will, Kuno-baby. That and a whole lot more.  
  
FIN.  
  
*****  
  
Author's notes:  
  
1) Wow, twice as long as the other chapters. How did that happen? This chapter began a whole lot less dark-humorish, but I just didn't like where it was going so I re-wrote pretty much all of it. Do I really think Nabiki would go so far as to convince Kuno that he raped her? If she wanted his money bad enough, yes. Nabiki may not be exactly evil per se, but she isn't exactly good either. That being said though, if the whole point of this story wasn't to pair people off, I would have trouble accepting this one.  
  
2) I have no reason to believe that Nabiki was actually running pyramid schemes when she was six or was voted most likely to be gunned down by the mob in junior high, but it wouldn't surprise me.  
  
3) For those of you who have only seen the dubbed version of the anime (I know you are out there, I was one of you until recently), the cicada shell technique that Happosai teaches Nabiki is his disapearing trick.  
  
4) Okay, it didn't really come up again in this chapter, but I feel that I have to adress this, if for no other reason than I enjoy a good argument more than I like to admit:  
  
You're TV needs the color adjusted then. I've examined the anime on four different TVs and five different computers, and it's not got a hint of blue in it anywhere. It's only in the promotional art and fanart that you find that black with a blue sheen for Akane's hair. Even if you go by the promotional art, you can hardly call that blue   
  
Hate to disagree with you, but I've watched the series on several different TVs myself in both DVD and VHS format, I've got a bunch of images captured directly from the show which I have viewed on numerous computers, and I even broke down and put a number of the screenshots through my image editing software to figure out what the computer thinks her hair color is. It's dark blue.  
  
And before you suggest it, there is no indication that I am color blind :) Horribly nearsighted and stuck wearing a pair of big thick glasses, yes. Color blind? Nope.  
  
5) And of course I don't know when I will get another chapter finished. I definitely have to take a few days off from this though. My eyes hurt, my hands keep going numb from all the typing, and I've been thinking about Ranma related stuff so much lately that I very nearly started calling my dad Oyaji. 


	4. What Does He Feel For Me?

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
AUTHOR'S WARNING!!!: If you are reading this chapter expecting a lot of humor, expect to be disappointed. This here is serious dramatic territory with a reduced humor content. If you can't handle that, skip it, but don't expect me to repeat all the plot points you missed later on :)  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 4: Ranma and Akane Revisited, OR What Does Feel For Me?  
  
Just after the fight with Kuno and Ukyo...  
  
"Could this day possibly get any worse?" Ranma wondered as he and Akane walked home from school early, hand in hand. Though actual public displays of affection were still beyond their nerves, with nobody around their courage increased dramatically.  
  
Actually, not wanting to be in public right now was the reason that they were skipping the rest of their school day. After the first few groups of students they saw gave them cheers, catcalls, and one standing ovation, it became apparent that their secret little love affair wasn't so secret after all. When that became apparent they just couldn't bring themselves to stick around and face their peers.  
  
"I'm gonna kill Nabiki when I see her," Ranma said. Okay, they didn't actually know it was Nabiki that had sold them out, but... come on! Who else would it be?  
  
"Oh well," Akane said. "It's... it's not really a big deal, is it?"  
  
"Huh?" Ranma was, to say the least, surprised. "Akane, do you want them to think we're a couple of perverts?"  
  
"It was going to come out eventually," Akane said. "And I've got news for you, Ranma, a lot of our classmates think you're a pervert already."  
  
Ranma grumbled under his breath. "Well," he said, "I don't mind them thinkin I'm a pervert, but I don't like them thinkin the same about you."  
  
His unintentional act of sensitivity earned him a glowing smile from Akane. She walked a bit closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.  
  
"I don't care," she said. "Right now I just want a good long soak in the tub."  
  
Ranma thought about his aching muscles, especially his back where Kuno had hit him, and responded without thinking. "Yeah, that sounds great."  
  
Akane immediately removed her head from his shoulder, let go of his hand, and stopped walking.  
  
Ranma turned to see what the matter was, and Akane slapped him.  
  
"Hey!" he demanded, "what did you do that for?"  
  
"Ranma Saotome," Akane hissed, "If you think that just because those few times I gave in to you..."  
  
"Who gave into who?" Ranma wanted to know, but Akane ignored his return.  
  
"...that I am going to let you take a bath with me..."  
  
"Whoa, wait Akane!" Ranma sputtered. "That's not what I meant..."  
  
Akane's eyes flashed a death look at Ranma. "I know exactly what you meant!"  
  
"Geez, Akane! I'm sorry, okay? That's not what I meant, honest!"  
  
Akane stopped giving Ranma death looks and started walking again, though she didn't take his hand.  
  
Ranma sighed in frustration and just kept walking.  
  
After a while, after they both had time to think, Akane spoke up again. Her voice seemed... well... a bit different.  
  
"So... you... umm... wanna try it?"  
  
"Try what?" Ranma asked.  
  
"You wanna try taking a bath together?"  
  
Ranma froze up. "Akane... didn't... didn't you just say..."  
  
Akane grabbed Ranma's hand. "Come on dummy!" she said playfully as she began pulling him in the direction of the Tendo Dojo. All the way home Ranma wondered if he would ever puzzle this girl out. After that he had other things to think about.  
  
*****  
  
Some time later Akane found herself in the tub and in Ranma's arms, basking in the warmth of the water and the warmth they had just given each other. As they lay there peacefully, Akane came to a realization.  
  
This was why she did it.  
  
This was only their second real time together (Akane didn't count the first night, because she had been under the influence of the Kontoraibansu powder at the time). But she knew that this moment, this short time of perfect peace, of affection from the boy she loved, was why she made love to him. Sure, she wanted him both times they had made love, and the experience itself had been incredible, beyond any words she had to describe it, but this, lying here, saying nothing as Ranma ran his fingers through her dark blue hair (oh, how she loved that!) was the true prize. It made her feel... like he loved her, the way she loved him.  
  
Even if it might be just a fantasy, it was something she would always cherish.  
  
She didn't know how Ranma felt about her. When they were alone he would hold her hand. When she wanted to make love to him he would always agree (after a bit of resistance). He would always fight for her. Once, when he thought she was dead, he may have told her he loved her. None of that mattered. Sometimes it infuriated her. The Kontoraibansu powder had opened her heart to Ranma, revealed everything to him. She was an open book, and yet the same could not be said of Ranma.  
  
What did he feel for her, she wondered. He hadn't called her uncute or tomboy once since they had begun sleeping together. Did that mean something? Was it because she had given herself to him? She suddenly couldn't help but wonder if she was just a toy to him. Something to be used whenever he wanted it. Some of the old anger tried to bubble back to the surface, fighting against the sense of peace she still felt. She'd certainly seen it before. He was more than willing to manipulate... to USE the other fiances to further his own selfish ends. Why should she be any different?  
  
In another place, in other circumstances, that would have been enough for her to slap him and storm out, just the faintest hint of the possibility of impropriety. Here though, with him holding her like this, she just couldn't keep her legendary anger up. She so desperately wanted to believe he loved her...  
  
But could she? Could she really believe? Or was she really just prostituting herself for a few moments of fantasy?  
  
This was something she didn't want to think about. Instead she turned her head to kiss Ranma on the cheek. Though it thrilled her to no end when he smiled in response, she quickly noticed the mask of concern he wore.  
  
"What's wrong Ranma?" she asked.  
  
Ranma's voice had a grave tone. "Ukyo was trying to kill you," he said. "I could see it in her eyes. Akane, things are only going to get worse. All of them are going to be coming after us now, and they won't stop."  
  
He was right. Akane had never seen Ukyo, or Kuno for that matter, so angry before. And Shampoo... Shampoo was there that first night, she had to have known what happened between Ranma and Akane. Akane couldn't begin to imagine why the Amazon didn't try to put a stop to their... their activities right then and there.  
  
"Akane," Ranma said, "I... I could leave."  
  
Akane spun around to face Ranma. "Excuse me Ranma?" she demanded. What was this idiot thinking?  
  
"If... if I left Nerima," Ranma said, his face grave, "it might get them to leave you alone."  
  
Akane's eyes flashed anger. "Or maybe Ukyo or Shampoo will just decide to kill me for driving you away! Have you thought about that?"  
  
The sudden lost look on Ranma's face seemed to indicate that he hadn't. "Well, ummm..."  
  
"Dummy," Akane said, sliding over to the other side of the tub, away from Ranma. "You know that I..." she stopped, unable to actually say the words. Why couldn't she say it? After all of this, why was it so hard? "...You know how I feel about you. Now you just want to run off?"  
  
Another thought popped into Akane's head. Did he really care so little for her that he'd run off once he had his fun?  
  
Ranma got very nervous when the water around Akane began to boil.  
  
"I'm just trying to keep you safe!" he protested. "Akane, I can't always be there to save you."  
  
"So why don't you just go then!" Akane snapped. "Who says I need you to protect me anyway! You've had your little fling, so get lost!"  
  
The look she got from Ranma was heart wrenching.  
  
"Akane..." he said softly, "is... is that all you think of me?"  
  
Akane was struck dumb, unable to respond to the real and true hurt in her fiance's eyes.  
  
"Akane... I... well..." There was a long pause, and when Ranma continued Akane almost wondered if he was originally going to say something else. "I can't leave. You're right. Shampoo or Ukyo or Kodachi would just come after you. If something were to happen to you..."  
  
Akane recovered some spark of her defiant anger. "I'll be fine on my own," she said. "You said it yourself. You can't always protect me."  
  
"No," Ranma agreed quietly, "I can't. Akane, would you like me to train you?"  
  
"What?" Akane suddenly felt her heart pounding, almost not daring to believe. It was something she had wanted from Ranma for so long... "Are... are you serious?"  
  
"Yes," Ranma said. "We can start whenever you want."  
  
But the rush couldn't last. Akane quickly realized that this wasn't the way she wanted it. She wanted Ranma to train her because he felt she earned it, not because he felt she NEEDED it. She wanted him to think of her as worth something, not as some defenseless girl to feel sorry for.  
  
"I see," she said softly. "So you won't feel so bad about leaving."  
  
"Akane!" Ranma protested, "that's not what I meant!"  
  
"Oh really?" Akane snapped back, "and just what did you mean? You are leaving after you train me, aren't you?"  
  
The same look of pure and real hurt as before came upon Ranma once again. He looked down, not wanting to meet Akane's gaze.  
  
"If..." he said sadly, "if you want me to..."  
  
Akane's anger broke free. Did he...? How dare he even suggest... Doesn't he realize that...? "You jerk!" she shouted, smacking Ranma with a mallet pulled from the depths of the ether.  
  
Ranma floated face up in the tub, stunned by the blow.  
  
"And just when did you get the idea that I wanted you to leave!?" Akane demanded.  
  
"What... you..." Ranma sputtered as he sat back up. "You just asked me to leave after I was done training you!"  
  
"No I didn't!" Akane thundered. "You said you were going to leave!"  
  
"Well I'm not!" Ranma shot back. "I told you already I ain't going nowhere! You're stuck with me Akane, you got that?"  
  
Ranma stepped out of the tub, leaving a dumbfounded Akane behind. When he spoke again, his voice had a much more soothing quality.  
  
"We should probably get started training. I'll be in the dojo."  
  
Then he left.  
  
Akane, in the meanwhile, was still trying to process what he had said to her. "You're stuck with me Akane, you got that?"  
  
"Did you mean it Ranma?" she said softly to nobody, wondering if she had heard more in his words than was really there. Once again the question that had plagued her for so long resurfaced.  
  
What did he feel for her?  
  
*****  
  
"Ranma you jerk!" Akane shouted as she continued to try to connect with a strike, "I thought you were going to train me!"  
  
So far it was pretty much like their usual sparing sessions, with Ranma effortlessly dodging Akane's attacks and refusing to strike back. What were worse were the taunts.  
  
"Come on you tomboy!" Ranma taunted gleefully, "I know you can do better than that!"  
  
Akane felt her anger raise to even greater heights. He was mocking her! He wasn't taking this seriously at all! He didn't... he didn't care about her...  
  
She stopped her attacks, not knowing if she wanted to try even harder to hit him or to run off.  
  
For the briefest instant there might have been a flash of guilt in Ranma's eyes, but Akane couldn't be sure. "That's something we are gonna have to work on," he said, no hint of the cruel taunts he had just spent the last five minutes heaping on her remaining in his voice.  
  
Before Akane could ask him what he meant, Ranma went on the attack.  
  
Now the training really started.  
  
He started out fairly slow, but Akane was still having a great deal of trouble warding off his blows. More than once during those first few moments she felt the light touch of a strike that never really quite connected, but only because Ranma held back.  
  
He was anticipating her actions, she realized. It was more than just reading her moves, he'd watched her fight numerous times, seen how she'd moved and reacted. He knew her fighting style, and he knew how to turn it against her, just when and where to strike.  
  
For a moment the anger and frustration threatened to come back. Here he was going soft on her and she still couldn't hope to touch him! It made her felt ashamed, weak, unworthy to be the heir to the Tendo school.  
  
Part of her wanted to give up right now.  
  
"Oh widdle Akane," Ranma taunted, perhaps seeing her frustration, "gonna give up now and rely on big strong Ranma to protect you?" He slipped behind her and lightly swatted her rear.  
  
That did it.  
  
"I AM NOT GIVING UP, YOU PERVERT!" Akane screamed, resuming her own attack.  
  
*****  
  
Some hours later both Akane and Ranma lay exhausted on the Dojo floor.  
  
No, they hadn't been doing THAT again (pervert!). They had however been training almost nonstop the entire time. They kept at it until they literally dropped from exhaustion.  
  
As Akane lay there, exhausted, drenched in sweat, every muscle in her body burning from the exertion, she couldn't keep a proud smile off of her face.  
  
She'd hit him.  
  
Just once, but she had beaten his defenses and landed a solid blow on Ranma's chest. She knew he had been going easy on her, and if he had been fighting for real she would never have had a chance of connecting, but she felt proud none the less.  
  
She was getting better, she could feel it. She'd gotten a bit rusty since the days when she fought about half of Furinkan High's student body every morning, her skill degrading from lack of regular use. That was changing. She had pretty much gotten back to the level she was at when Ranma first showed up, and perhaps a little better. Once she shook herself out of her malaise and began concentrating entirely on the fight, she began to grasp the patterns Ranma was using in his attacks, and soon she had been able counter those attacks, even when Ranma had begun to speed them up. Not only that, but her speed and control seemed to have improved. She had a long way to go before she could hope to beat someone like Shampoo in a fight, but she was definitely on the right track.  
  
She turned her head to look at Ranma, who seemed to be wearing his own proud smile. She still couldn't figure him out. The rather coarse, abusive boy that had swatted her rear wasn't the Ranma she knew and loved. He'd been different, so much like his father. It was a side of him she had never seen before. One she didn't like.  
  
"Umm... Akane," he said, turning his head to look at her.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm... well... I'm sorry for all that stuff I said." He seemed genuinely apologetic. "I... well I never trained nobody before. And... well... pissing me off always seemed to work for pop when he was training me."  
  
Akane was pretty sure there was something in that statement that should have made her angry, but she was just plain too tired to worry about it.  
  
"You..." Ranma continued, curiously nervous, "you did great today Akane."  
  
Akane's heart swelled with pride and not a little bit of joy. This certainly wasn't the first time she'd heard that she did a good job on something, but coming from Ranma it just seemed more significant. It wasn't him saying he loved her, but for the moment it was an okay substitute.  
  
Akane suddenly felt very, VERY bold. She tried to move, and, much to her frustration, realized that moving around didn't seem to be much of an option right now. "Argh," she growled in frustration.  
  
"What's wrong?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I'm too tired to come over there and kiss you."  
  
Ranma's face got really red. "Well... umm... that is... you don't hafta... or nothin... if... if you know... if you don't feel like it..." he babbled.  
  
After such an unusual response, Akane had to wonder if Ranma had been thinking of kissing her just as she said it. Usually he was a bit more coherent about this sort of thing.  
  
She smiled a smile somewhere between tired, amused, and ravenous. "Ranma," she said.  
  
"Um... yeah?"  
  
"I'm all sweaty. As soon as I'm able to move, I'm going to go take another bath."  
  
Ranma seemed to get even more nervous. "O... okay."  
  
"And you are going to join me."  
  
"Umm... I am?"  
  
"Of course you are," Akane said, feeling incredibly brazen (which thrilled her beyond belief). "You need to get cleaned up too, don't you?"  
  
"I... I guess I do."  
  
"And it would be silly to waste water on two separate baths," Akane added in a rather less than clean voice.  
  
"Well... I... I guess so."  
  
"Good," Akane said. She could feel more mobile already (amazing what a little incentive can do!). "After that you can cook me dinner."  
  
"I guess so..." Ranma began to say, just giving in, then he realized what Akane had said. "Hey, wait, why do I have to cook dinner?"  
  
Akane frowned. "Do you see anyone else around here you want to cook?" she asked.  
  
Ranma began to say he did, but stopped. "No, I guess not," he grumbled.  
  
Akane almost chuckled to herself. It was a little unfair of her to use that against him, but she knew Ranma wouldn't trust her to heat up instant ramen. Furthermore there was nobody else around. Kasumi had left a little note saying that the family had decided to stay in the hotel for a while so that the couple could have privacy to "find that special position that makes you scream like a banshee in the throes of unholy union with a demon of the underworld". It further went on to instruct them to thoroughly wash any kitchen utensils they use in any of the graphic ways that Kasumi helpfully outlined, and to not run the electric egg beater too high.  
  
Though Kasumi's note made them both rather nervous about the eldest Tendo daughter, Akane at least felt grateful that her and Ranma would be alone.  
  
But, Akane thought as she looked away from Ranma to gaze at the ceiling, she still wondered if she was fooling herself. She... she loved Ranma. Very shortly she would be making love to him, and would soon after (but not TOO soon after she hoped) be basking in the aftermath that she loved so much. Then they would share what amounted to an intimate dinner together. But still... still she didn't know how Ranma actually felt about her. Somewhere that nagging question gnawed at the back of her mind.  
  
"What do you feel for me, Ranma," she said so softly that Ranma would not hear. "Am I just fooling myself?"  
  
A rather peculiar purple cat creeping nearby, scoping out the Tendo grounds as though it was planning a midnight raid (which it was), would no doubt tell her she was.  
  
But that is a story for another time.  
  
*****  
  
FIN.  
  
Author's notes:  
  
1) Okay, this chapter came about for a number of reasons. In the first case I had a great deal of stuff (specifically the first section) that I cut out from chapter three but didn't have the heart to just junk. In the second case I had a lot of stuff that was going to be an integral part of the next chapter but would likely make it a bit overlong and unfocused. In the third case I wanted to go into more detail as to Akane's motives and thoughts, as the first time around the story was largely from the perspective of others.  
  
2) This will most likely be the only time that I will revisit a couple. I just felt it necessary for the reasons above.  
  
3) The dark blue hair strikes again! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :) 


	5. Imminent Coitus Part 1: What Betty Saw

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 5: Kasumi Tendo and Tofu Ono, OR Imminent Coitus  
  
Part 1: What Betty Saw  
  
"OH...GOD...RANMA...!"  
  
Kasumi Tendo's eyes popped open as she lay in bed. Without even looking at her clock she knew it was far to late (or rather early) for those two to still be at it. Yet the noises, the cries of ecstasy (from two female throats, Kasumi noticed), the blood curdling screams (also from two female throats, Kasumi had never imagined how adventurous Akane could be), the rhythmic pounding, were still echoing through the house.  
  
"Oh dear," she said tranquilly, "however do they expect anyone to sleep with that racket going on?"  
  
Of course, this was hardly unexpected, Kasumi decided. Akane had beaten Shampoo thanks to Ranma's training and the couple had finally set a date for their wedding (a little more than two weeks from now). That was certainly something they would want to celebrate.  
  
But they could certainly be more considerate of others, couldn't they?  
  
A good night's sleep was important to Kasumi. She took care of this family, prepared their meals, did the laundry, the cleaning... If she didn't get a good night's sleep, what would this mean for her work? Would her tiredness lead to sloppy cooking, lax cleaning, or even worse, surliness?  
  
Of course, she had a remedy for this particular problem...  
  
It was a remedy developed over three hundred years of history by the Catherine the Great school of anything goes insomnia relief, an art first perfected by the Empress of Russia herself, an acute insomniac (among... other things). Though most techniques of that famous art required multiple participants, this particular one required only a lone individual.  
  
A lone individual and a certain apparatus.  
  
Kasumi slipped out of bed and headed over to the closet, hoping Akane hadn't borrowed the item in question. She was still waiting for her younger sister to return her handcuffs.  
  
Fortunately she needn't have worried. She opened the closet and was happy to see the wooden box was still there. She quietly opened said box.  
  
There, sitting in its velvet lined container, was the apparatus she wanted. Stenciled on the side of the device was the name Mr. Happy.  
  
This sort of apparatus was first developed long ago for those practitioners of the Catherine the Great school (and schools like it) who, for whatever reason, lacked the necessary assistants to practice traditional techniques. Over the years the basic design evolved greatly from the classic manually driven models to the modern electrically powered ones like Mr. Happy. This particular device had been Kasumi's dear companion for some time now and had helped her get through many an otherwise sleepless night.  
  
But... Kasumi hesitated as she reached for the apparatus. Lately Mr. Happy seemed to have lost its effectiveness. Perhaps her system was simply desensitized to the technique, but she just couldn't find the same... relief that she used to. As it stood now, Mr. Happy might not be up to the job any more.  
  
And if Mr. Happy couldn't lull her off to a proper... umm... blissful slumber, then what would this mean for the family that depended on her?  
  
No, it was time for a more drastic solution. She needed the use of more formidable techniques of the Catherine the Great school, techniques that would require a partner. Only with those techniques would she finally be able to get the sleep she so desperately needed.  
  
Kasumi smiled as she climbed back into bed, leaving Mr. Happy behind in the closet. She already had a partner in mind, a man of medicine who would certainly be willing to help her with this most dire of needs.  
  
She would begin tomorrow.  
  
*****  
  
She stepped into Doctor Tofu's office bright and early and completely unannounced the next morning.  
  
"Ka... Kasumi!" Tofu uttered as his glasses fogged up. "How... how surprising to see you... here of... of all places..."  
  
Fortunately, there were no patients present at this time, therefore there was little damage Tofu could do.  
  
"Doctor," Kasumi said sweetly (much like she always spoke), "I was wondering if you could help me. You see, I've been having trouble sleeping."  
  
"Well... umm... Kasumi," Tofu babbled, "you should probably see a doctor about that..."  
  
Kasumi laughed cheerfully. "But you are a doctor," she pointed out.  
  
"Oh... yeah... of course," Tofu began laughing like an idiot.  
  
Kasumi laughed a little bit more. "I have something of a remedy for insomnia, but I need your help before I can use it."  
  
"My... my help?" Tofu babbled some more. "Sure... sure Kasumi... whatever you need."  
  
Kasumi's smile somehow seemed to become even more sunny and cheerful. "Thank you, doctor Tofu," she said.  
  
"So... what do you need me to do, Kasumi?" Tofu asked.  
  
Kasumi suddenly (somehow) found herself at a loss for words. It was inexplicable, but she'd never felt this embarrassed in her life. "Oh my, this is embarrassing, but, well... I need you to... well..."  
  
A lightbulb suddenly seemed to switch on above her head. She had it!  
  
Kasumi reached into a pocket and took out a donut, a nice, soft plain cake donut like you could get in any good Winchells (though admittedly probably not in Japan).  
  
Why did she have a donut in her pocket? Just in case.  
  
She looked at the donut, then looked at Tofu.  
  
She then reached into another pocket and pulled out a carrot.  
  
She looked at the carrot, then once again looked at Tofu.  
  
She then began thrusting the carrot through the donut's hole, over and over again.  
  
Tofu passed out.  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "Dr. Tofu, are you all right?"  
  
*****  
  
Kasumi was patiently waiting when Dr. Tofu regained consciousness.  
  
"You really must be more careful, Doctor," She admonished gently. "You could have hurt yourself falling like that."  
  
Tofu babbled incoherently.  
  
"So," Kasumi asked, still feeling strangely nervous, "when are we going to start the..."  
  
She took a pencil and thrust it into a pencil sharpener, wearing it down to the eraser as she furiously worked it in and out of the device.  
  
Tofu twitched a little and Kasumi decided he just wasn't getting it.  
  
"Well, you see doctor," she said. "What I need is for you to... well... pierce the veil, give me a stout oak to play on, plumb the damp depths of my nether-realm, whip out your snake and unclog my drain..."  
  
Tofu twitched a little more.  
  
Frustrated, Kasumi took out a copy of the Kama Sutra (which, once again she had on hand just in case) and began pointing out positions, demonstrating them with a Barbie and Ken doll.  
  
Tofu collapsed again.  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I haven't even demonstrated the rest of the techniques yet."  
  
Tofu shot to his feet, babbled incoherently some more, then shot out of the office like a very confused and terrified rocket.  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "Perhaps he needs some time to think about it."  
  
*****  
  
Three weeks passed, and Kasumi got no word from Tofu. In fact, nobody had seen him in all that time.  
  
Meanwhile everything was peaceful at the Tendo household.  
  
Well, except for Ranma running away the night before his wedding to Akane, leaving only a short message behind for her, saying simply "I'm sorry".  
  
And except for Akane, who, while in a state of supreme grief and anger, completely leveled the Cat Cafe, convinced that Shampoo somehow had something to do with Ranma's disappearance.  
  
Then there was all that time Akane spent crying now that she had realized that Ranma had left entirely on his own free will and not because any of the fiancees tricked, drugged, ensorcelled, or blackmailed him.  
  
And we of course can't forget the unfortunate traffic accident, which resulted in the death of Genma and that poor Mousse fellow.  
  
Aside from all that, however, things were peaceful.  
  
However, Kasumi was still having trouble sleeping, though now it was Akane's pathetic wails of misery rather than her wails of carnal ecstasy that were keeping her oldest sister up at night.  
  
And still Kasumi got no word from the good doctor. This was quite distressing. If Kasumi did not get a solid night's sleep soon, she might very well begin to slip up on her housekeeping duties.  
  
Perhaps it was time for her to seek the aid of a professional.  
  
*****  
  
Happosai heard a knock on the door to his room.  
  
"What do you want?" he demanded, still ironing some of his recent acquisitions. With Ranma gone and Akane a basket case, the girl's locker room of Furinkan high was now his to roam with virtual impunity, and he had found himself with a veritable bounty of wonderful undies to peruse. "I'm a busy man here!"  
  
"Grandfather Happosai?" Kasumi said as she slid the door open, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."  
  
"Why Kasumi," Happosai said cheerfully. He'd always had a special affection for the eldest Tendo daughter, "come in, I always have time for you."  
  
"Why thank you, grandfather Happosai," Kasumi said. "I was wondering if you could help me with a rather sticky problem. You see, there's this medical condition that I have that I would like to get eliminated."  
  
"And what would that be, Kasumi?"  
  
"My virginity."  
  
Happosai's brain very nearly went into emergency shutdown, and for once, he found himself at a loss for words. "You... you mean it?"  
  
"Why yes," Kasumi said. "You see, I am a student of the Catherine the Great school and I've decided that it was time to perfect some of the more potent techniques of the school."  
  
The Catherine the Great school! Happosai had always kind of suspected Kasumi's understanding of that infamous Russian art, but to hear his suspicions confirmed... and furthermore to be chosen to assist... why this was the greatest day of his life.  
  
"Why Kasumi... I'm... I'm touched..." Or at least he was going to be he thought. Touched by an angel...  
  
"Unfortunately," Kasumi said, "Dr. Tofu appears to have vanished before we could begin practicing, and I was wondering if you could help me find him."  
  
Elation turned to despair in an instant. Happosai fell, crushed, to the floor.  
  
"You... you mean you just want me to find him..." he said despondently. "You don't want me to be your partner..."  
  
"Oh dear me," Kasumi said. "I'm afraid in your case that there might not be enough drill bit for the mine shaft."  
  
Happosai slumped over defeated.  
  
"Oh Kasumi!" he wailed. "How can you be so cruel!"  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1) Yes, I know part five was supposed to be about Shampoo and Mousse. However, That chapter has proven to be a lot tougher to write than I thought it would be. It's just not easy to figure out a way to get them two kids together. Fortunately, exactly how they get together isn't important to the overal story plan, meaning I can set their story aside for as long as I need to.  
  
2) That's right. This is only part one of Kasumi and Tofu's story. Expect their story to span three chapters, complete with special guest stars, lots of subtle and not so subtle plot points, and plenty of everyone's favorite homemaker in action.  
  
3) Genma and Mousse are dead and Ranma skipped out on his wedding? How the hell did this happen?!?! Patience Grasshopper. All shall be revealed in time.  
  
4) Special apologies to Mr. Randal Bills, for parodying the title of one of his books for my own dark purposes. May all the fellow classic battletech players that read this trainwreck forgive me my trespasses.  
  
5) Special thanks to someone who would most likely prefer to remain nameless, for his suggestions and input. I lay all the blame on his shoulders, even that which is solely my own.  
  
6) Additional special thanks to someone else who would likewise probably want to remain nameless, for first devised the carrot and donut routine.  
  
7) You didn't really think I'd have Kasumi and Happosai go at it, did you? EWWWW! 


	6. Gazing at Oblivion

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, there are a few things I should apologize for.  
  
First, this is not the continuation of the Kasumi/Tofu story. Now that I finally managed to finish the Shampoo/Mousse chapter, I decided to just release it now.  
  
Second, my original idea for getting the couple "together" have been junked on account of I couldn't stomach it. So to those who I promised something "not pretty", sorry.  
  
Third, this chapter leans heavily towards the heavy handed melodramatic. As a result it's not particularly funny. I promise I'll make it up to you.  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 6: Shampoo and Mousse, OR Gazing at Oblivion  
  
The day after the night Ranma cried "uncle"...  
  
Shampoo felt strangely drained when she returned to the Cat Cafe, wondering why she didn't strike while she could.  
  
The both of them had been right there, exhausted, barely able to move. All Shampoo had needed to do was get some hot water (and there was certainly plenty of that to be had around the Tendo home) and she could have taken care of the problem quickly and easily.  
  
But she didn't. She couldn't bring herself to do it. Why!?  
  
She'd heard that brazen hussy Akane saying all those awful things, badgering Ranma to sleep with her again. The SLUT! Trying to turn the whole thing into some kind of romantic evening of love when she was clearly just little more than an animal in heat. Shampoo had wanted her dead so badly she could taste it.  
  
And then she heard Ranma... agreeing to it.  
  
Something had just... gone numb inside Shampoo. Ranma was her husband! How... how could he... After that she just wanted to get away.  
  
They were probably at it right now, Shampoo decided. He probably held that witch in his arms right now, drawing the animal screams she seemed to favor from her as he...  
  
No, Shampoo thought as she forced the image away. She would not, could not think about this.  
  
A strong, proud warrior does not cry...  
  
"Shampoo?" she heard a voice say, quite possibly the last voice she would want to hear right now.  
  
"Go away Mousse," she said in her native Chinese. Up until now she had made a habit of speaking Japanese constantly, even to fellow Chinese, just for the practice. However, now the language just seemed... wrong to her. "Leave me alone."  
  
"Shampoo," Mousse said, likewise in Chinese, his voice somehow soothing and yet not, "I know you are hurting. But you have to learn to accept it. Ranma loves Akane. He's never going to be interested in you."  
  
"I told you to leave me alone, Mousse!" Shampoo snapped.  
  
"Shampoo," Mousse pleaded, "why not put your heart into something pure and enduring..."  
  
Shampoo tossed him through the door.  
  
"Now is that any way to treat the employees?" Cologne asked in Japanese as she hopped into the room. "Shampoo you might want to consider what Mousse has to offer. You and he could have some very strong children."  
  
Shampoo scowled. "Lots of strong children who can't see their hands in front of their faces," she said, sticking to Chinese. "Mousse is like a stupid little brother who doesn't know when to go home. I don't want a stupid little brother for a husband, I want Ranma." Something in her snapped. "Why didn't you stop them on the first night!" she demanded of the elder.  
  
"I'm way too old for that sort of horsing around," Cologne replied, feeling a little bit nervous about how Shampoo would react to her next statement, "especially after all the effort I put into setting the whole thing up."  
  
Shampoo's jaw dropped in shock. "YOU WHAT?!" she cried.  
  
"I set everything up," Cologne repeated. "I left the Kontoraibansu powder out for you to find it. I knew that you would jump at the chance to try a new love potion on Ranma."  
  
"But WHY?!?" Shampoo demanded. "How could you?"  
  
"Because they're just so cute together," Cologne offered mischievously.  
  
"GREAT GRANDMOTHER!"  
  
"I came up with the idea shortly after your recent adventure at Jusendo," Cologne said. "Akane very nearly gave her life to protect Ranma during the fight with Saffron. Afterwards she was willing to marry him, not just because of the nannichuan, but because she WANTED to. Had it not been for your and Ukyo's intervention, they likely would have been wed that day. With that in mind it was clear to me that all the blackmail and love potions and magical devices in the world weren't going to win you Ranma, not against that sort of competition."  
  
"But," Shampoo said softly, still trying to comprehend this whole thing. "How could you know Akane would have been exposed to it?"  
  
"Shampoo," Cologne said. "You need to realize how things work in our world. When a man says you had better not slip on a banana peel, pull down a shroud, and look into the mirror, it is GOING TO HAPPEN. When a girl with an intense love for pigs and a desire to marry someone who can beat her pet drops out of the heavens, it is OBVIOUS who she will eventually meet. When there is a love potion that unlocks the most primal desires of violent blue haired Japanese girls, Akane's exposure to it is practically pre-ordained."  
  
"So you just decided to push them together," Shampoo snarled, "is that it? You decided to just give up?"  
  
"No, I didn't. I don't expect you to understand, Shampoo," Cologne said, "but this is the only way. You have to trust me."  
  
"You lied to me," Shampoo said. "Used me for some kind of sick game, and now you ask me to trust you? Do our laws even matter to you?! I thought you wanted me to marry Ranma!"  
  
"What I want are strong heirs to continue our bloodlines," Cologne said. "Ranma would have proven a great boon to the tribe, but if the boy's heart is truly set on Akane, then there is NOTHING you can do about it. You may have to learn to accept that."  
  
"I refuse to!" Shampoo snapped. "By tribal law I CANNOT accept it! I can never forgive you for this, great-grandmother. You... you've..."  
  
She stormed out.  
  
"Is it true, old woman?" another voice demanded. Cologne turned to see Mousse talking to a jar of pickles. "You would really let me marry Shampoo?"  
  
"Put your glasses on you idiot," Cologne said. Mousse complied. "If Shampoo agrees to the match, then I have no problem with it."  
  
Mousse embraced Cologne happily. "Oh thank you! Thank you! I promise I will take good..."  
  
Cologne clocked Mousse on the head. "Get your hands off of me."  
  
Mousse sheepishly put his tribal elder down.  
  
"As for Shampoo," Cologne added, "don't start jumping to conclusions. I haven't given up on her winning my future son-in-law just yet. If anything, now the game has just gotten more interesting."  
  
"But..." Mousse sputtered, "I... I don't understand. You... you brought Ranma and Akane together. You let Shampoo find that Uncle Doe potion so that Akane would be exposed to it. You were trying to get them together, weren't you?"  
  
"Why would I try to do something stupid like that?" Cologne said. "Our laws demand that Ranma marry Shampoo. You were at Jusendo, Mousse. You saw what went on between Ranma and Akane there. Do you really think Shampoo can compete against that?"  
  
"You don't make any sense you old mummy!" Mousse declared. "How is getting Ranma and Akane together going to change that?"  
  
Cologne shook her head. She knew he wouldn't understand either. Both he and Shampoo were far too young. They still had a lot to learn.  
  
It was one final role of the dice, a final gamble on the personality of Akane Tendo and the nature of teenage romances. If it worked, then Shampoo would have a chance with Ranma. If it didn't... well, at least the whole mess would finally be settled.  
  
And there were times nowadays where that was just fine with Cologne.  
  
"I'm getting too old for this nonsense."  
  
*****  
  
"How could she?" Shampoo asked herself as she walked Nerima's night time streets.  
  
It had been the ultimate betrayal. Her great grandmother had played her for a fool and taken the only man that ever meant a damn to her away, all because the old hag had decided there was no chance anymore. How could she?  
  
But this changed nothing, she realized. It only meant that she would be fighting for Ranma on her own, without her great grandmother's help.  
  
"Are you all right, Shampoo?" she heard a distinctly unwanted voice ask. What was he doing, following her around?  
  
"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone you idiot duck?" she said.  
  
"Shampoo," Mousse said, "you've been crying..."  
  
Shampoo's eyes widened. She reached a finger up to just below her eyes, discovering tears still there. She hadn't even realized she'd been crying.  
  
"It's nothing," she said.  
  
"Shampoo," Mousse said softly, "I... I know it's hard, but..."  
  
"And what do you know about anything, idiot!" Shampoo snapped.  
  
Mousse got a sudden dark look on his face. "I think I know a little bit about unrequited love," he shot back bitterly.  
  
"I don't want to hear it," Shampoo said, turning away from him. "This has nothing to do with you, just stay out of my way."  
  
"Shampoo," Mousse pleaded, "you have to understand..."  
  
"NO!" Shampoo shouted. "You have to understand! You mean nothing to me! You never will! You are beneath me!"  
  
For a moment a look of absolute hurt flashed through Mousse's eyes. Then, something changed. His eyes got a look Shampoo had never seen before.  
  
Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe after years of obsession for a girl he would never had, years of being seen as weak and worthless, it was foregone conclusion. In an instant he felt a clarity, an understanding, that he had never felt before. He looked upon Shampoo, and he understood everything, the true nature of their relationship, how she really felt about him, everything.  
  
In other words, he snapped.  
  
"Then I guess that's one thing we have in common," he said, his voice low and menacing, his face wearing a cruel smirk. "I'm beneath you and you're beneath Ranma. Except technically it's Akane who's actually beneath him right now, isn't it?"  
  
"BASTARD!" Shampoo screamed, lunging at him. She went after him with everything she had, holding nothing back. She wanted him to hurt, on some level she might have wanted him dead.  
  
"So is this what you wanted all along Shampoo?!" Mousse demanded as he fended off her blows. "Is that what I've been doing wrong all this time? You don't want a man to love you, you want one to conquer you!" He went on the attack. "You want someone who will MAKE you his!"  
  
How did he get this good? Shampoo was holding nothing back and she was barely keeping up with Mousse. Could it be that all that time fighting against Ranma had really made him this strong?  
  
"So you found the boy you wanted," Mousse continued to rant as he kept up his attacks. "You found a boy who could conquer you, but poor, poor Shampoo, he doesn't want you. All your tricks and all your schemes have gotten you nowhere. He'd rather screw a weak Japanese girl than have anything to do with you. So where does that leave you!"  
  
Mousse's taunts lit the fire of Shampoo's anger, and she soon found levels of ability she didn't know she had as she finally began to regain control of the fight. "Who are you to criticize me!" she shouted. "You've been mooning over me ever since we were children! You're pathetic!"  
  
"And that's why you hate me!" Mousse shot back. "That's why you're trying to kill me now! I'm a mirror to your soul! I've been hopelessly, idiotically in love with you for practically all my life, and it doesn't mean anything to you! Now you want Ranma and it's exactly the same thing! You look into my eyes and you see yourself and it sickens you! Pathetic, am I? Well at least I'm willing to admit it!"  
  
"NO!" Shampoo shouted, pinning Mousse to a wall. "I AM NOT LIKE YOU!"  
  
Then she looked into his eyes...  
  
And kissed him.  
  
*****  
  
Some time later, Shampoo ran.  
  
What had she done? What had she been thinking?  
  
No, she told herself. It didn't happen. It NEVER happened. Not with Mousse, not ever.  
  
She didn't consciously know where she was going right now, she was just running.  
  
"It... it wasn't me," she told herself, stopping, realizing where her feet had taken her.  
  
The Tendo Dojo.  
  
"No," she said. "It wasn't me. It wasn't real."  
  
She began walking to the gate, pushing as much determination as she could into her stride.  
  
"This is real."  
  
*****  
  
When Shampoo came crashing into the Tendo home, she found Ranma and Akane sitting together at the table apparently sharing a nice intimate dinner together. Ranma had a dazed, confused look on his face.  
  
Shampoo didn't want to think about what caused that. "Ranma," she said, "you come with Shampoo right now!"  
  
Ranma seemed to only barely recognize her presence, still caught up wherever his mind was.  
  
"Ranma's not going anywhere with you!" Akane declared angrily.  
  
"No ask stupid pervert girl's opinion," Shampoo snapped back, dearly wishing she spoke Japanese better. She seriously doubted her bad grammar got the depths of contempt she felt for Akane across. "Is all your fault Ranma unfaithful. Shampoo get around killing you later. Right now Ranma come."  
  
"Ranma doesn't belong to you!" Akane protested. "He doesn't have to do what you tell him." When Ranma didn't immediately speak up in agreement, she cast an angry glance his way. "Right Ranma?" Her tone was pretty clear that he had better agree with her, or there would be trouble.  
  
"Oh... umm..." Ranma said, finally shaking out of his daze, apparently just now noticing what was going on. "What's up Shampoo?"  
  
"Ranma," Shampoo said, "Shampoo forgive you for giving in to pervert girl if you come with her right now."  
  
"Give... give... giving in?" Ranma sputtered, turning a bright shade of red. "I... I don't know what... what you're talking about..."  
  
Akane smacked him. "Jerk," she said. "She was there, remember? She probably heard the whole thing." She turned her attention back to Shampoo. "And who are you calling a pervert girl!?"  
  
"Shampoo call it as she see it," Shampoo replied. "Shampoo always figured you for screamer, happy to be proven right."  
  
Now Akane turned bright red. "That... that was... that was all your fault!" she protested. "All because of those stupid cookies of yours! I'd have to be drugged to let him touch me!"  
  
"Oh yeah!?" Ranma shot back, "Well who'd ever want to touch an uncute tomboy like you!" Some things were apparently instinctual.  
  
Akane shot a death glare at Ranma. "Is that so? You didn't seem to mind all that much in the bath an hour ago!"  
  
Ranma scoffed, "maybe I was just taking pity on ya!" he suggested venomously.  
  
"YOU JERK!" Akane shouted, malleting Ranma into the floor with a mighty WHAM.  
  
"Excuse, please," Shampoo said. "Shampoo still here."  
  
Akane turned her death gaze to Shampoo.  
  
Shampoo was undaunted. "If you no like Ranma," she said. "Then why you keep him? Give to Shampoo and he never be around to make you angry."  
  
Shampoo was surprised that her suggestion didn't trigger another angry outburst. "Ranma is not mine to give," Akane said softly, almost resigned.  
  
"If he no yours," Shampoo said, sensing her prey's weakness, "then you no mind Shampoo take..."  
  
Again Akane caught Shampoo by surprise. "HE'S NOT YOURS EITHER!" she thundered. The windows rattled, the bowls on the table cracked. Whether it was the sound or the shear force of Akane's anger, one couldn't say.  
  
And for perhaps the first time in a long time, Shampoo felt real fear.  
  
But only for a moment. "This no over," she said. "Shampoo challenge you!"  
  
Once again, Akane's anger seemed to dissipate. "I won't fight you over Ranma," she said softly.  
  
"Shampoo no challenge for Ranma," Shampoo replied. "Shampoo want punish stupid pervert girl for interfering. Get Ranma after kill you."  
  
And once again Akane's anger seemed to bounce back. "All right Shampoo," she said menacingly. "I'll fight you. It's time we settled this once and for all."  
  
"Two... two weeks," Ranma mumbled from the floor.  
  
"What?" both girls said in surprise.  
  
"Wait two weeks before the fight," he said as he sat back up, something different in his voice just below the surface. "Akane isn't ready yet."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean!" Akane demanded.  
  
"Two weeks or two years," Shampoo said, trying to push some confidence into her voice. There was something underlying in Ranma's tone, almost as though he was warning Shampoo to back down. "Make no difference. Pervert girl good as dead."  
  
"Then you have nothing to worry about," Ranma said.  
  
And there it was again. There was something... cold in his voice. Just below the surface. Was it because Shampoo promised to kill Akane? Did Ranma really care so much for her?  
  
"Okay," Shampoo said. "For airen I give pervert girl two more weeks to live." She then bounded out of the house.  
  
*****  
  
A couple days passed.  
  
"Why are you here, Mousse?" Shampoo demanded quietly as she waited in ambush outside the Tendo Dojo. The duel with Akane was still a ways away, but she certainly wasn't going to let her opponent get comfortable.  
  
But why did that idiot have to be here too? Shampoo had been doing her best not to think about their brief encounter, chalking the whole... erm... affair... to depression and stress.  
  
"You know why I'm here," Mousse said. "Things are different now, Shampoo."  
  
Shampoo definitely didn't like this new Mousse. He'd changed, become almost predatory. What was worse, Shampoo's moment of weakness had given him an opening (so to speak) and like any good warrior, he was using it to full advantage.  
  
"No, they aren't," Shampoo said. "What happened before was nothing. It meant nothing. You were just convenient."  
  
"So I'm just convenient, am I?" Mousse said. "I can live with that."  
  
"Have you no self respect?!" Shampoo demanded.  
  
"I gave that up when I realized I loved you," Mousse said.  
  
"I hate you," Shampoo said. "I want nothing to do with you. I'm doing this to win Ranma."  
  
"Who cares?" Mousse said. "No matter what happens, I'll be the one who wins in the end. I've got your number now, Shampoo. If Akane beats you, then you'll come running back to me. I'll always be there, always the convenient sop for your battered iceball of a heart. On the other hand, if you kill Akane, then Ranma will kill you. That means I'll finally be free of you. Your body or my freedom, it makes no difference to me which one I get in the end."  
  
Okay, there were a whole lot of reasons for Shampoo to be uncomfortable with Mousse's statement. What had once been an almost cute case of puppy dog love had seemed to blossom into something far darker, far more menacing.  
  
And he might just be... No. Shampoo refused to follow that line of thought to its conclusion. "What happened will never happen again," she said, as much to reassure herself as to deny Mousse's claim.  
  
"You can say that all you want," Mousse said, "but I know better. I was right from the beginning. As long as you look at me and see yourself, then your pretty little ass belongs to me."  
  
Shampoo's hand shot out almost of its own accord and wrapped itself around Mousse's neck. "Not if I kill you here," she hissed.  
  
"Go ahead," Mousse said, an evil smile on his face. "Kill me. Snap my neck. I'll be free of you then, but what about you? For the rest of your life you'll know that you took my life because you couldn't hack it, because you couldn't admit you were as pathetic as I am."  
  
Shampoo's hand dropped away from Mousse's neck. "Go away," she almost pleaded.  
  
"No," Mousse said. He nodded to the Tendo house. "They should have left for school already, but they haven't. You know why. I can see it in your eyes. You know what they're doing."  
  
"SHUT UP!" Shampoo demanded.  
  
"Screwing like a pair of young lovers should," Mousse said.  
  
Shampoo looked away, not wanting to see Mousse or the Tendo household.  
  
"Why not rush in there and stop them?" Mousse asked. "You can't face them. You couldn't bear to see it. To see him holding her, to hear her enjoy his body."  
  
Shampoo swung wildly at Mousse, only to have her wrist caught by him and spun around.  
  
She found herself face to face with him, separated by less than a few inches.  
  
"We're a couple of sick and twisted individuals, Shampoo," he continued. "Both hopelessly in love with someone we know we will never have. Neither willing to give up, to get on with our lives. In the end it will kill us both, but when you have nothing at all, oblivion doesn't seem that bad, does it?"  
  
Each of them only vaguely registered that their faces were slowly moving closer and closer to each other.  
  
"This won't happen," Shampoo said quietly. "I won't let you do this..."  
  
"Do you think I'm in control here?" Mousse asked. "It stops when you want it to stop. I'm just convenient, remember?"  
  
They kissed, fiercely, passionately. It was a kiss that was as full of hate and depression as desire.  
  
"That's what makes this work," Mousse said as Shampoo began working on removing his robes. "I just don't care anymore. Soon, you won't either."  
  
*****  
  
More time passed, and after a dozen skirmishes, and a dozen illicit encounters that left Shampoo feeling more and more disgusted with herself, more and more dead inside, the day for the duel finally arrived.  
  
"It ends today, Mousse," She told him as the audience gathered for the battle. The fight was being held on a field outside of Furinkan High. "After today I never want to see you again."  
  
"How very confident of you," Mousse said. "You seem to have forgotten who's really on top here. I serve my lady's favor, nothing more."  
  
"It stops today!" Shampoo repeated.  
  
"If you say so," Mousse said with a smirk as he walked off.  
  
Shampoo ignored Mousse's remark and turned to face her opponent. Akane stood ready.  
  
Yes, she thought, today it ends. Today she would kill Akane, and she knew exactly what that meant. She had no doubt in her mind that when she stole Akane's last breath, Ranma would not hesitate. He would kill her in retaliation.  
  
And she didn't care. She was already dead. Ranma would never want her, she knew that now. Even if he did, she had already betrayed him. Betrayed him because she was too weak to handle the truth, the truth that he would never want her...  
  
Strange, she thought as she slipped into a fighting stance, waiting for the fight to start, she should feel angry with Akane, but she didn't feel much of anything...  
  
*****  
  
"How can she expect to fight like that?" Cologne asked herself from the sidelines. "I should have tried to explain the whole kontoraibansu thing to her better. Damn my convoluted scheming!"  
  
"She ain't even putting out a battle aura," Ranma said, standing next to Cologne. "It's like her heart ain't in the fight." What Cologne had just said finally registered. "What about the kontoraibansu thing?"  
  
"Oh... well..." Cologne sputtered. "Nothing important. Look, the fight is starting."  
  
*****  
  
Mousse watched as Shampoo was immediately forced on the defensive. Akane had definitely gotten faster, more graceful, in the two weeks she had had to train, but this wasn't right. She still shouldn't be able to fight Shampoo so effectively.  
  
Shampoo's heart wasn't in it, he realized. She was just going through the motions.  
  
"Who cares," he told himself. "Let the bitch suffer."  
  
He watched her for a while longer. "I hope she'll be okay..."  
  
*****  
  
"Kuroi Ikari!" Akane cried as a blast of black ki energy shot from her palms to blast Shampoo to the ground.  
  
"Black anger?" Cologne repeated, stunned. "You taught her a ki blast based on her anger?"  
  
Ranma nodded proudly. "The black matches her hair," he said.  
  
Ki blasts could be frighteningly easy to develop. All they really needed was a strong enough emotion to draw from and some awareness of a person's inner energy.  
  
"Are you insane!?" Cologne demanded.  
  
"Huh?" Ranma asked, confused.  
  
"You of all people should know better than to teach her to destroy things with the force of her anger!"  
  
Ranma opened his mouth to respond, then what Cologne was telling him registered. He got noticeably paler. "Uh oh..."  
  
"Whoever wins this fight," Cologne said. "You had better learn to be extra nice to that girl from now on."  
  
*****  
  
Shampoo dragged herself back to her feet. Her chest was sore as hell from where the blast had hit her, but aside from that, she was still more than able to fight. Akane's blast apparently hadn't packed much punch.  
  
She looked over to her opponent, and was surprised to see a look of concern on Akane's face.  
  
"Are you okay, Shampoo?" Akane asked. "You seem..."  
  
Pity, from this girl? This was truly the low point of Shampoo's life right here.  
  
But she wasn't beat yet. She still had one more thing to try.  
  
*****  
  
"Strange," Cologne said. that blast didn't seem to have much affect."  
  
"Akane knows!" Ranma suddenly cried. "She knows Shampoo's heart isn't in this fight! She can't keep her anger up to form a powerful enough attack!"  
  
*****  
  
Shampoo shook her head. It was all or nothing now. "Shampoo just thinking how pervert girl spoil Airen," she said. "Shampoo wanted to be first time. Oh well. Still ride him like bronco after kill you."  
  
In an instant, all of Akane's concern vaporized, and she charged, a glowing blue blur of rage.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Shampoo got ready for a very intricate dance.  
  
*****  
  
"This fight is over," Ranma said as he watched Shampoo ward off Akane's hail of blows, falling back into a very familiar pattern.  
  
"Where did she learn that technique?" Cologne wanted to know as Shampoo continued to lure Akane into a spiral.  
  
"You mean you didn't teach it to her?" Ranma asked, surprised. He had been certain that Cologne would have taught Shampoo the technique for this fight. It seemed to be tailor-made for fighting Akane.  
  
"No I didn't," Cologne said. "She must have learned this technique on her own. It looks like she has this fight won after all..."  
  
"Don't count on it yet, old ghoul," Ranma said, though there was a clear sound of worry in his voice.  
  
The two combatants reached the center of the spiral, and Cologne was surprised to see Akane thrust her fist to the ground as Shampoo thrust hers to the sky.  
  
"Hiryu..." Shampoo cried.  
  
"Karyu..." Akane cried.  
  
"SHOTEN HA!" they both cried in unison.  
  
A cyclone ripped into existence, a massive cyclone of tearing winds and black, rage charged ki energy.  
  
"It worked!" Ranma declared.  
  
"What the hell..." Cologne uttered. "How did she..."  
  
Both combatants were flung from the cyclone, landing at opposite ends of the field with something of a less than conscious thump.  
  
"Of course!" Cologne said as Ranma ran off to check on Akane. "The one who uses the Hiryu Shoten Ha is normally safe because they are in the eye of the cyclone when it manifests. By thrusting her heat charged fist down as Shampoo thrust upward, Akane pulled the eye to the middle of them! That way they were both subjected to the full force of the cyclone!"  
  
She looked over to Shampoo, who was being checked over by Mousse. Her great- granddaughter definitely seemed to have gotten the worst of it. "Akane used the Kuroi Ikari to dump ki energy into the cyclone. It couldn't hurt her, but it would have been like a firestorm to Shampoo. I should have known that if anyone could teach Akane a counter to the Hiryu Shoten Ha, it would be my future son-in-law."  
  
*****  
  
"Can you stand up, Shampoo?" Mousse asked as he stooped over her. Across the field, Akane was already dragging herself back up to her feet.  
  
Shampoo just lay there, staring at the sky. Wisps of smoke curled up from her slightly scorched body.  
  
"Akane's alive," she said.  
  
"Yes," Mousse said. "You lost."  
  
"And you've won," Shampoo said.  
  
Mousse opened his mouth to speak, but the pure emptiness, the pure resignation in Shampoo's voice stopped him.  
  
"It's what you wanted, wasn't it?" Shampoo asked. "You would be happy with my death, after all, and in a way you got your wish. I really am just like you now. I just don't care anymore. All I feel is an emptiness. Nothing means anything anymore."  
  
Still Mousse said nothing.  
  
"You were right," Shampoo said, "oblivion really doesn't seem so bad."  
  
*****  
  
Two weeks passed.  
  
Cologne thought about Shampoo as she stirred a pot of ramen back at the Cat Cafe. She had never imagined that her great-granddaughter would take this whole thing so hard, or that she would give up.  
  
But she had. Shampoo seemed to have given up on everything. She did little more than stay in bed and stare at the ceiling, only eating when Cologne ordered her to.  
  
Cologne couldn't help but feel responsible. After the duel, she had intended to explain the reasons behind her actions, the last gamble she had made, but when she had heard that Ranma and Akane had consented to the wedding, a wedding that was to take place today, she just couldn't bring herself to do it.  
  
It seemed that the gamble had failed.  
  
Shampoo wandered into the kitchen, her expression empty, dead as she got a glass of water.  
  
Cologne was sure that eventually Shampoo would recover from this, but the sight still clawed at her.  
  
In the main room, Mousse could be heard welcoming a new customer.  
  
Then the Cat Cafe blew up.  
  
*****  
  
Shampoo regained consciousness as she was roughly dragged to her feet by her collar.  
  
"GIVE HIM BACK!" a voice somewhere between absolute anguish and absolute rage demanded.  
  
It took her a moment to recognize the face of the person holding her, partially obscured as it was by her wedding veil.  
  
"Ranma isn't yours!" Akane cried. "You have no right! He's... he's marrying me..."  
  
She began to sob, dropping Shampoo and collapsing into a heap among the rubble of the cafe.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Cologne demanded as she dug herself out of the rubble.  
  
Shampoo caught sight of a note that had fallen out of Akane's grasp. She picked it up, recognizing Ranma's scrawl.  
  
Her heart caught in her throat as she read the brief message. It said simply, "I'm sorry."  
  
"Ranma left," she said quietly.  
  
Cologne leaned over Shampoo's shoulder to read the note. Her eyes widened. "Well I'll be," she said. "Maybe the gamble paid off after all. Shampoo, this is your chance. You'll never have a better opportunity than now."  
  
Shampoo thought about what Cologne said. She was right. Ranma had left Akane. Shampoo would never have an opportunity like this again. Somewhere inside her, a little bit of the old fire began to burn again.  
  
She looked at Akane, who sat there crying with abandon. It was her loss, right? If Akane couldn't hold onto Ranma, then Shampoo shouldn't feel bad about taking him for herself.  
  
It was that simple. Wasn't it?  
  
Wasn't it?  
  
*****  
  
"What are you going to do?" Mousse asked as they walked back from the Tendo house. They had taken Akane home, saying nothing about her destroying the Cat Cafe when they gave the weeping girl over to the care of her sister Kasumi.  
  
"I don't know," Shampoo said.  
  
"Wanna fuck?"  
  
Shampoo stopped, surprised at Mousse's words. Since the duel with Akane, Mousse had been quiet on the subject of their occasional liaisons. Shampoo had almost started to believe that that sad phase of her life was over.  
  
"You can't fool me, Shampoo," Mousse said. "You're going after him."  
  
"I haven't decided that yet," Shampoo protested.  
  
"Yes you have, I can tell. You've got the fire in your eyes again." Mousse chuckled cruelly. "Do you really think this changes anything, that it was only Akane keeping Ranma out of your reach?"  
  
Shampoo said nothing in response.  
  
"It's so easy to get lost in the self deception all over again, isn't it?" Mousse said. "So easy to pretend that this time things will be different. This time perhaps they will return what you feel. You've been running on that self deception for a long time, Shampoo, just as I have, just as I still do. And when your hopes get smashed again, you'll come back to me, because I'm convenient. Because I'm guilty of the same crime. You'll use me because I give you love Ranma never will, and I give it because some part of me still wants to believe you can love me, even though consciously I know better. We're a perfect match, spiraling down to mutual destruction."  
  
Still Shampoo said nothing.  
  
"Oblivion tastes delicious," Mousse said, "doesn't it?"  
  
"No," Shampoo said softly. "I'm not doing this for me."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I refuse oblivion," Shampoo said. "I'm not bringing Ranma back for me."  
  
Mousse's eyes widened. "You're doing it for HER!?" he cried.  
  
"Ranma owes her more than two words on a piece of paper," Shampoo said, then started walking again.  
  
Mousse watched her go, trying to understand.  
  
*****  
  
FIN  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1) WHEW! After a dozen re-writes and re-thinks, Shampoo and Mousse's chapter is finally done! In the process it's gone from a story of rape and revenge to a tragic love story to a musical (really!) and finally to a tale of a couple of teenagers with skewered upbringings trying to come to grips with unrequited love. What a ride!  
  
2) This chapter makes the assumption that Shampoo actually has a soul. It's very easy, just from reading the manga (which I finally have done) and watching the anime, to dismiss Shampoo as a very shallow person with few redeeming qualities, but I refuse to do that. I believe that under all that tough, selfish amazon exterior there's a fairly ordinary teenage girl. Despite what others have claimed, if I have any sort of dislike for Shampoo, it is only because she speaks Japanese better than I do :).  
  
As to what she did in the story, all I gotta say is unrequited love is tough stuff. Trust me, a girl in pain seeking temporary comfort in the arms of a guy ain't that unusual.  
  
3) I've always liked the idea of Mousse finally snapping under the weight of years of obsession and going nuts.  
  
4) Yes, Cologne had a semi-logical reason for setting Shampoo up. No, I'm not going to explain it yet. If you haven't figured it out yet, wait 'till case 7. Actually, even if you have, wait for case 7, which should be a good bit and will have Hinako in it.  
  
5) More extensive details about Akane's training, her relationship with Ranma, and why it apparently self destructed will also be presented in case 7, as will the final resolution of Shampoo and Mousse's relationship. Have patience.  
  
6) Case 7 will, of course, be a while in coming. I intend to finish the Imminent Coitus chapters before moving on any further, if for no other reason than to get away from this heavy melodrama for a little bit. 


	7. Honor And Obligation Part 1: Too Goddamn...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
NonStandard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
Also, whatever order I originally planned to release these chapters in seems to be completely shot to hell. Shikata ga nai.  
  
On the plus side, there is almost a coherent continuity to them now.  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 7: Soun Tendo and Nodoka Saotome, OR On Honor and Obligation  
  
Part 1: Too Goddamn Fast!  
  
*****  
  
Roughly when (if not where) we started in the last chapter...  
  
"This is awful," Akane complained as she took a bite of food, "and you call my cooking terrible."  
  
"Well if you didn't want me cooking, Akane," Ranma shot back, "why did you volunteer me?"  
  
They were sharing what in many places and for many couples would be a nice, romantic, intimate dinner for two. In their case it wasn't quite like that. For Ranma this just seemed to be another meal at the Tendo household. Something that frustrated Akane to no end.  
  
The jerk treated this so flippantly! Hadn't they just made love? They'd just shared something beautiful and wonderful and now it was like it never happened!  
  
Akane could feel her anger and hurt rising. Did that jerk really care so little for her and what they shared?  
  
"Akane," Ranma said nervously, noticing her irritation, "did I do something wrong?"  
  
"Just forget it Ranma," Akane said just a bit bitterly. "It's not like it matters or anything." She began shoveling food into her mouth to demonstrate that the matter was closed.  
  
Each time they had made love Akane had felt a wonderful feeling of contentment and joy afterwards as she lay spent in Ranma's arms, and she knew that he felt the same thing. He was so tender and loving during those times... But it always seemed to die out. They always seemed to come back to this, with him sitting there getting her mad all over again, and it tore at Akane's heart. A part of her wanted to make love to Ranma again just to get that moment of perfect contentment back.  
  
"Geez Akane," Ranma said, "whatever I did or said, I'm sorry, okay?"  
  
No it wasn't okay, Akane thought. It wasn't fair! Ranma knew her deepest feelings for him, but she stumbled around blind, wondering if she was his fiancee or just his plaything.  
  
She had to know, she realized, setting her bowl down. She had to know now before it ate her up inside. "Ranma," she said, feeling nervous like she never had before, "I... I need to know something."  
  
"Wha... what?" Ranma asked just as nervously. Maybe he sensed something in her tone of voice, or maybe he was afraid she was going to ask him to sleep with her again.  
  
"Ranma," Akane said softly, "I... I need to know... if you... if you love me."  
  
She got no response. Ranma seemed to have been struck dumb by her words. He sat there, motionless as granite. His eyes seemed vacant, lost, almost as though he had stepped out of his body to consider his response.  
  
Or as though Akane's question had stopped his heart and rendered him comatose. Take your pick.  
  
*****  
  
"Because," Akane continued, "If... if you don't then there's no point in... in being... well... being engaged."  
  
You mean you didn't hear me? Ranma was stunned. He told her how he felt already at school when they were... well... She hadn't heard him? Damnit! He'd said it, those three words that he hadn't been able to say before. "I love you."  
  
And Akane hadn't heard him! Of all the...  
  
There was, of course, an easy solution to this problem. He could just tell her again, right here and right now, in no uncertain terms. He could take her hand and say "Akane, I love you."  
  
Yeah, that's exactly what he would do, he told himself with resolve. He opened his mouth to speak...  
  
But the words wouldn't come out.  
  
What if he did tell her? Would that mean she'd be rushing to get married again? He remembered vividly how she had looked when he saw her just before the failed wedding, standing there in her wedding dress. She'd never looked so radiant, so beautiful...  
  
...so terrifying.  
  
Would he have gone through it then, if everything hadn't fallen apart like it did? He probably would have. Everything had happened so fast he might very well have been married before he had a chance to grasp how scared he was, but now...  
  
Okay, yeah, he... well... he loved Akane, but marriage? They couldn't possibly be ready for THAT, could they?  
  
No. Ranma was still trying to get a handle on how things were now. There was no way he was ready to go any further.  
  
But would Akane understand that? For that matter, would their parents? Not a chance in hell. If he told her now, after all this, that he loved her...  
  
"Right Ranma?" Akane asked him rather icily.  
  
"Oh... umm..." he said, realizing that he had completely lost track of what was going on. Akane waited impatiently for an answer to a question he hadn't really heard, and Shampoo was... wait, when did Shampoo get here?  
  
"What's up Shampoo?" he asked, trying really hard to look like he knew what was going on.  
  
"Ranma," Shampoo said, "Shampoo forgive you for giving in to pervert girl if you come with her right now."  
  
Oh crap! "Give... give... giving in?" Ranma sputtered, gripped in a small measure of panic. "I... I don't know what... what you're talking about..."  
  
Akane smacked him. "Jerk," she said. "She was there, remember? She probably heard the whole thing." She turned her attention back to Shampoo. "And who are you calling a pervert girl!?"  
  
"Shampoo call it as she see it," Shampoo replied. "Shampoo always figured you for screamer, happy to be proven right."  
  
Ranma didn't know anyone could get that red in the face. "That... that was... that was all your fault!" Akane protested. "All because of those stupid cookies of yours! I'd have to be drugged to let him touch me!"  
  
Ranma felt the direct hit to his pride, and on instinct he struck back. "Oh yeah!?" he snapped, "Well who'd ever want to touch an uncute tomboy like you!"  
  
"Is that so?" Akane snarled, "You didn't seem to mind all that much in the bath an hour ago!"  
  
"Maybe I was just taking pity on ya!"  
  
"YOU JERK!" Akane shouted, and Ranma once again found himself wrapped in oblivion thanks to her mallet.  
  
*****  
  
How could he say something like that? Akane fumed over Ranma's unconscious form, ready to smack him again as soon as he showed signs of life.  
  
"Excuse, please," Shampoo said, "Shampoo still here."  
  
Akane turned her death gaze to Shampoo, which didn't seem to much impress the Amazon.  
  
"If you no like Ranma," she said. "Then why you keep him? Give to Shampoo and he never be around to make you angry."  
  
Akane's anger somehow just seemed to burn away. "Ranma is not mine to give," she said, feeling drained. His insults hurt before, but now they felt like an ice pick in her heart. Maybe he really had told her how he felt...  
  
Ranma was currently too unconscious to provide comment.  
  
"If he no yours," Shampoo said, sensing her prey's weakness, "then you no mind Shampoo take..."  
  
In an instant all of Akane's rage was back. "HE'S NOT YOURS EITHER!" she thundered in a voice loud enough and angry enough to crack glassware.  
  
And for perhaps the first time that Akane had ever seen, Shampoo seemed truly afraid.  
  
However, that fear didn't seem to last long. "This no over," she said. "Shampoo challenge you!"  
  
For some reason Akane's anger just seemed to melt away once again. "I won't fight you over Ranma," she said softly.  
  
"Shampoo no challenge for Ranma," Shampoo replied. "Shampoo want punish stupid pervert girl for interfering. Get Ranma after kill you."  
  
And once again the anger came back. How dare she even think... "All right Shampoo," Akane said menacingly. "I'll fight you. It's time we settled this once and for all."  
  
"Two... two weeks," Ranma mumbled from the floor.  
  
"What?" both girls said in surprise.  
  
"Wait two weeks before the fight," he said as he sat back up. "Akane isn't ready yet."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean!" Akane demanded.  
  
"Two weeks or two years," Shampoo said. "Make no difference. Pervert girl good as beaten."  
  
"Then you have nothing to worry about," Ranma said. Akane meanwhile quietly fumed at the implication that she wasn't yet up to the task of beating Shampoo, in the process completely missing the menacing tone that Ranma's voice had taken.  
  
"Okay," Shampoo said. "For airen I give pervert girl two more weeks to live." She then bounded out of the house.  
  
"Oh man Akane," Ranma said as he gingerly felt the lump on his head, "didja hafta hit me that hard?"  
  
"Why did you tell her to wait?" Akane asked quietly.  
  
Ranma got something of a nervous look, as though he expected her to hit him over this. "You... you aren't good enough yet to beat Shampoo."  
  
"I see."  
  
On some, logical level Akane probably understood what Ranma meant. However, on the level she was currently operating on, she only heard him say that she was weak. Was that what this was all really about? Weak, uncute, in need of his protection, his pity... Was that how he really saw her?  
  
Once she probably would have clocked Ranma right then and there.  
  
Instead she practically leapt on him, popping the buttons off his shirt as she started stripping him.  
  
"Akane... wait... we..." Ranma babbled, caught (as always) by surprise by Akane's aggressiveness.  
  
"Shut up Ranma," Akane pleaded desperately. She needed this, she needed the warmth, the tenderness, the fantasy; not the uncertainty, the fear she had now. "Just shut up."  
  
*****  
  
Skipping ahead a bit...  
  
"We've got three days left, Akane," Ranma said as the two of them stood in the garden, about to begin the day's training session, "and we've still got one big thing to cover."  
  
They'd been training pretty much nonstop for the last eleven days (with the exception of the occasional attack from Shampoo and Mousse) and Ranma was quite impressed with the progress Akane had been making so far. However, he knew it wouldn't be enough. Right now, all things being equal, Akane still didn't stand a chance against Shampoo.  
  
But she could offer Shampoo one heck of a fight, and, if everything went right, if Shampoo did what he expected, and if Akane could master what Ranma was about to teach her, that might just be enough.  
  
"Okay Akane," Ranma said. "The important part of this is for you to be aware of what's happening around you. Concentrate, I want you to see the patterns of energy as you're moving in. It's a sure thing that the old ghoul will teach Shampoo this technique for the fight, and you have to be ready to counter it."  
  
Akane nodded, a look of determination on her face.  
  
"All right Akane," Ranma said, "Come at me."  
  
Akane lunged forward, and the dance began.  
  
When he had first decided to start training Akane, Ranma had whimsically hoped that he could teach her this technique, the Hiryu Shoten Ha. The shear power the heaven blast of the dragon offered when used properly made it an excellent technique to have, but in short order Ranma realized that Akane couldn't master it, certainly not in the limited time they had.  
  
The most important element of the Hiryu Shoten Ha was the soul of ice. If Akane couldn't keep her cool, couldn't keep her legendary temper in check, then she would never be able to use it.  
  
And come on. Akane, keeping her temper in check? Not a chance!  
  
Unfortunately, the same personality defects that made Akane incapable of mastering the Hiryu Shoten Ha also made her extremely vulnerable to the attack. Even now as Ranma led her into the spiral, even though she knew full well what to expect, she was already getting frustrated with her inability to connect with a hit and was loosing her control over her anger. Ranma could feel the heat of her aura building.  
  
If she didn't have a counter to the Hiryu Shoten Ha, Akane could be in a lot of trouble when she fought Shampoo.  
  
Fortunately, Ranma had a solution (albeit an imperfect one). Though he had been training Akane to improve her speed and her skill, he'd also been focusing heavily on getting her to recognize her inner energy. He'd already taught her to channel anger charged Ki into an attack similar to the Shi Shi Hokodan, now it was time for the next step.  
  
They reached the center of the spiral. "Watch carefully Akane," Ranma said as he thrust his hand into the air.  
  
Akane's eyes went wide as the cyclone manifested and hurled her into the air. The force of the attack wasn't that great (Akane hadn't been that angry), but Ranma nevertheless quickly moved to catch his fiancee before she hit the ground.  
  
"Did you feel it?" he asked as he held her.  
  
*****  
  
She certainly had.  
  
When she had first described the Hiryu Shoten Ha, Cologne had made a big deal about how it was pretty much just a clash and mingling of temperatures. But that wasn't what she had just seen, Ranma had been actively controlling it. She'd never noticed it before, but it just made so much sense. No wonder he had been able to use it practically like a gun against Saffron without even forming a proper spiral! Ranma's control of his energy was just that good.  
  
Ranma set Akane back down on her feet. "The old Ghoul never really talked about it much," he said, "but the Hiryu Shoten Ha has a lot to do with controlling the energy you're drawing in. With the most basic form even the guy using it isn't aware he's actually manipulating things unless he's really paying attention, but he is. Without control over his Ki and the Ki he's drawing into the spiral, he ain't gonna be able to use the Hiryu Shoten Ha."  
  
"So what does this mean?" Akane asked. "If I can see the patterns of energy well enough, can I take control of it from my opponent? Can I turn it against him?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "No, at least not exactly." He paused, as though carefully choosing his words. "You... umm... well... you don't have the control to form the cyclone."  
  
Akane scowled. That sounded a great deal like Ranma telling her that she didn't have what it takes, and she didn't like it. "Is that so?" she said, just a little bit of displeasure in her voice. Just enough to let Ranma know he had better think VERY CAREFULLY about what he was saying.  
  
"Now wait just a minute Akane," Ranma demanded, the vehemence in his voice catching Akane by surprise. "We ain't got time for this. Shampoo is gonna be out for blood when you fight her. We can't be goofin off. If you wanna get mad and hit me, wait until after you beat Shampoo."  
  
As was said before, Ranma's words caught Akane a bit by surprise. As a consequence she had no response for his words.  
  
"I don't know what's going to happen when you use this," Ranma continued. "The Karyu Shoten Ha is going to be totally random. It might cancel the hiryu shoten ha. It might send the cyclone spinning off completely out of control. It might not do anything at all. There's just no way to be sure."  
  
Akane nodded, her attention now fully focused on the task at hand.  
  
"This technique is dangerous Akane," Ranma said. "It's dangerous and unpredictable and if I didn't think you could handle it, I'd never try teaching it to you. Remember that Akane, you can do this."  
  
Well that statement of confidence just brought all kinds of warm feelings to Akane's heart. Sometimes (though not very often) Ranma really could say the right thing.  
  
"You ready?" Ranma asked.  
  
*****  
  
The day of the duel.  
  
The fight had actually gone very well for Akane so far. Inexplicably Shampoo hadn't been putting up much of a fight, almost as though her heart wasn't in it.  
  
At first this was enough for Akane to hold back. She even stopped her attacks at one point to ask Shampoo if she was all right.  
  
Then Shampoo had told her that she would "ride" Ranma "like a bronco" after she killed her. That had been more than enough to set off Akane's anger, and she had leapt into the attack once again.  
  
In fact, she was halfway through the spiral before she realized what Shampoo was doing.  
  
She was going to use the Hiryu Shoten Ha! Ranma had been right!  
  
"It's not going to be that easy, Shampoo!" Akane declared as she pressed her attack, doing her best to concentrate as she did it. Timing was everything!  
  
"Weak pervert girl give up now," Shampoo taunted. "No can win Shampoo!"  
  
"I'm not giving up!" Akane shouted as they reached the center of the spiral. In her excitement she almost missed the telltale sign, the tingling sensation that told her that Shampoo was about to unleash the dragon.  
  
*****  
  
"Timing is everything Akane," Ranma had told her as he was explaining the move. "If you strike too soon or too late, the Karyu Shoten Ha won't work at all. You have to strike to the ground at exactly the same moment that Shampoo strikes to the sky. If you just watch her and wait for her to start moving you'll be too late, you have to FEEL it. You have to feel her taking hold of the energy. If you strike at exactly the right time with your heat charged ki, you'll be able to break Shampoo's control over the energy, and you might even prevent the cyclone from manifesting at all."  
  
*****  
  
She felt it! Without hesitation she thrust her heat charged fist to the ground, not even really physically aware that Shampoo was thrusting her own cold charged fist to the sky. "KARYU SHOTEN HA!"  
  
Then she was struck by an unbelievable blast of cold as the cyclone manifested. She was hurled into the air, caught by the full force of the cyclone.  
  
She'd failed! The Hiryu Shoten Ha had manifested! She must have been a fraction of a second too late...  
  
The cyclone stole her breath as it pulled her higher into the sky, and she could feel unconsciousness clawing at her. Damnit! How could she have failed like this?  
  
She saw Shampoo nearby, herself caught in the cyclone.  
  
"I... I'm not..." Akane was finding it almost impossible to speak, but she didn't have to. She wasn't going to lose to Shampoo! Drawing on all of her anger, she unleashed the other technique Ranma had taught her, the Kuroi Ikari. A seemingly endless supply of black Ki energy (she was VERY angry after all) blasted from her palms...  
  
... only to be caught in the winds of the cyclone and scattered.  
  
No! Akane lost consciousness convinced that her last desperate attack had failed.  
  
*****  
  
"Akane," Ranma said quietly, fearfully, as he hunched over his fallen fiancee, "are you all right?"  
  
The black, energy charged cyclone of the Hiryu/Karyu Shoten Ha had already faded. Across the field Shampoo lay unconscious and slightly smoldering, clearly unable to continue the fight. The duel was over.  
  
Akane was in the meanwhile only now starting to get her bearings back. "Where... where's Shampoo?" she asked as she struggled back to her feet.  
  
"It doesn't matter Akane," Ranma said. "You beat her. You won."  
  
Akane seemed stunned. "What?"  
  
"You did great," Ranma said, feeling an enormous amount of pride for his fiancee. This was a feeling he could definitely get used to.  
  
"But..." Akane protested. "The Karyu Shoten Ha didn't work!"  
  
"It worked fine," Ranma said. "I told you it was unpredictable. You knocked the cyclone out of whack just enough so that you both caught the full affect."  
  
"And using the Kuroi Ikari to dump ki energy into the cyclone was an inspired piece of strategy," Cologne said as she hopped over. "I doubt Shampoo saw that coming at all."  
  
Akane blinked a couple of times, seeming a little dazed and confused. "When I... what?" She then promptly fell over again.  
  
Ranma had a feeling that Akane's use of the Kuroi Ikari, though it had turned the cyclone into a fiery trap for Shampoo, was as likely as not just an accident. She'd probably on impulse tried to blast Shampoo even though in those winds it would have been impossible to actually aim or anything. However some advice Cologne had given him just a few minutes ago caused him to hold his tongue.  
  
Akane gave up trying to stand and just lay there on the grass, a smile on her face. "I won," she said, almost with a sense of wonder. "Can I just stay here for a while then?"  
  
"As long as you want," Ranma said.  
  
"Thank you, Ranma," Akane said. "Thank you for training me."  
  
Ranma couldn't find words to respond. She was so damn cute...  
  
"Well boy, now that that's out of the way..."  
  
Both Ranma and Akane were startled by the sudden appearance of Genma, Soun, Nabiki, Nodoka, and Kasumi, who surrounded them like an ambushing army.  
  
"Yes," Soun said. "Now that the last of your other entanglements has been dealt with, its time for you and Akane to think about the future."  
  
"That's right boy," Genma said. "It's time you and Akane got married. We can have everything ready in a couple of hours."  
  
"Hey," Ranma protested, feeling more than a little like a trapped animal, "what do you think..."  
  
"Oh son!" Nodoka cried, throwing her arms around her son, "I'm so happy for you!"  
  
"Now wait just a minute!" Ranma demanded, "I never said I'd..."  
  
Before Ranma could even begin to finish his sentence, a look of real and terrifying ANGER flashed across Soun's face.  
  
"Are you telling me that you were just using my little girl?" he demanded in a low tone promising instant painful death.  
  
"..." How exactly was Ranma supposed to respond to that?  
  
"Of course not," Nodoka admonished Soun. "No manly son of mine would do such a thing."  
  
This, of course, did nothing to alleviate Ranma's growing terror. Fortunately, he still had an escape rout.  
  
"This fight don't solve nothin!" he protested. "Who says Shampoo's given up anyway? And what about Ukyo? Pop engaged me to her too, remember? I can't be gettin married until all of my other problems are taken care of."  
  
Nabiki smiled. "Ukyo's not an issue anymore."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"It's a long story," Nabiki said. "I'll have to tell you about it later."  
  
"Likewise, Shampoo will not oppose this match," Cologne said, her tone unreadable.  
  
"And nobody has heard from Kodachi in quite some time," Kasumi added.  
  
Ranma felt Akane slip her hand into his and give it a squeeze. Feeling his heart pound, he looked back to her and was greeted with a look that couldn't have been more loving, more supportive. In an instant he knew that she would go along with whatever decision he made.  
  
But at the same time he could tell that this was what she wanted, what she wanted more than anything else in the world. The look she gave him, the absolute thrill she seemed to take in the idea of getting married, was something like a metaphysical bear trap on his heart.  
  
Everyone waited with varying levels of patience, and Ranma knew he was trapped. The best he could hope for is to buy some time.  
  
"Umm..." he said nervously. "Can we have two weeks to... umm... well... get ready?"  
  
*****  
  
Nightfall found the couple in Akane's bed in each other's arms; a situation that had, admittedly, become fairly ordinary as of late.  
  
Of course them both being girls at the time was certainly NOT ordinary, but a little experimentation is a healthy thing, isn't it?  
  
Ranma-chan stared at the ceiling as Akane snuggled up to her. She felt a bit woozy, somewhat confused, and perhaps a little dirty over what they had just... ummm... done. Maybe it was a lingering side affect of having all of her sexual inhibitions temporarily obliterated by a weird gaijin's love potion, but Akane had become remarkably adventurous lately.  
  
"Mmmmm..." Akane purred softly, "that was lovely."  
  
THAT was something Ranma-chan decided she would have to get used to, the idea of Akane purring seductively like that. In many ways it seemed so unlike her, in others...  
  
"Did you enjoy it Ranma?"  
  
Ranma-chan instantly froze. Oh man... how does a guy answer something like that? The experience was... well... but he was a guy! He... it wasn't...  
  
"Well... umm... that is..."  
  
Akane began to giggle a little. "Don't worry, you don't have to answer," she said as she turned her head to gaze into Ranma-chan's eyes. "You're a guy after all, even if..." her voice trailed off as her fingers did a little wandering over some of her fiance's more feminine features. Ranma- chan couldn't help but shudder at her touch, and Akane giggled again.  
  
"Two weeks," Akane whispered as she rested her head on Ranma's chest.  
  
"Yeah," Ranma said, feeling another kind of fear beginning to rear its head. She had to talk to her, she had to tell her that she wasn't ready to get married yet, that they were moving too fast. "Akane..."  
  
"I didn't think I could ever be this happy," Akane said softly. She once again turned her head to look into Ranma's eyes, and the words Ranma was going to say caught in her throat.  
  
"I've wanted this for so long," Akane continued, her eyes shining with a bright, agonizing love. "I don't know why it was so hard to say it before, or why it's so easy now, but I love you Ranma. This isn't about our fathers or any stupid promises they made, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."  
  
And I love you too Akane, Ranma thought as he got lost in her gaze (of course it might have been better to say it rather than just think it).  
  
But still... it wasn't that simple, was it? They... they weren't even out of high school yet! How could they be thinking about getting married now?  
  
But Akane seemed so happy! Ranma had never seen her so happy. This was what Akane wanted more than anything else in the world. How could Ranma tell her that they needed to slow down, to wait until they were older? Could she accept that?  
  
She had to make Akane understand. "What about kids?" she asked. That was the ticket, hit her with the big question and let her come to the conclusion they were going too fast on her own.  
  
Akane sighed contentedly as she rested her head on Ranma's chest again. "I think we should wait for a while," she said. "Someday... someday I'd like a nice big family, but not right now."  
  
Ranma was stunned. She had been sure that that would have been like a bucket of cold water to snap Akane out of her spell, but she'd just essentially waved it off. How could she be so...  
  
Then again, Ranma couldn't deny that some part of her thrilled at the idea of one day starting a family with Akane. Maybe it really was as simple as Akane seemed to want to believe. Maybe they really could just get married and damn the consequence...  
  
"Or maybe I should go get some hot water," Akane whispered seductively, "and we could start on that family right now."  
  
An undeniable feeling of absolute terror shot through Ranma.  
  
"Naw..." Akane decided as her hands began to wander. "I think I'll keep you like this for a while." She kissed Ranma full on the mouth.  
  
After that, there was really nothing more to say.  
  
But it didn't change anything.  
  
*****  
  
The Day had arrived.  
  
"You look wonderful Akane," Kasumi said as she looked over her little sister, who wore a sparkling white wedding gown.  
  
"Thank you," Akane said, feeling lighter than air. All the old romantic cliches were right. This was the happiest day of her life, even if she felt a little bit silly sneaking around.  
  
Her father and Ranma's parents had decided that the obvious mistake in the previous wedding attempt had been in publicly announcing it. Even with Ukyo out of the picture, Kodachi who knows where, and Shampoo apparently conceding the inevitable, if word got out about the wedding, there was no doubt it would be a disaster.  
  
That was why this one was being held in virtual secret. There would be no announcement until well after the deed was done and the couple wed.  
  
"Nothing will go wrong this time," Akane said to herself.  
  
She was amazed at how right this seemed. All the old fears, the uncertainty about Ranma's feelings for her, were gone. All it had really taken was Ranma giving his consent to the wedding. Once he'd said it, that was all Akane needed to know. Even if he could never seem to bring himself to say it, Ranma loved her. They might fight a lot, he might make her mad on a regular basis, and he might be the biggest jerk in the world sometimes, but none of that mattered against the love they shared and the vows they would very soon be taking. It really was that simple.  
  
Or so Akane thought.  
  
Nabiki, wearing a grim expression that Akane had never seen before, brought her a folded sheet of paper.  
  
Confused, Akane took the offered paper and opened it up, recognizing Ranma's scrawl without difficulty.  
  
It said simply "I'm sorry."  
  
She felt a tremor of fear as she looked to her sister. "I... I don't understand..."  
  
"He's gone Akane," Nabiki said gravely. "It looks like he packed during the night and slipped out while we were getting everything set up."  
  
"No," Akane whispered, searching Nabiki's eyes for any sign that this was just some cruel joke. All she found was sadness and a heart-wrenching sympathy that only served to show that this was real.  
  
"I'm sorry Akane," Nabiki said.  
  
"No," Akane uttered again. "It can't be... we... we were..." She fell to her knees, feeling like her world was collapsing in on itself. "It can't be... I... I love him... he... he can't have..."  
  
But he did.  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
*****  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Someone once asked me if I heard the song superfreak playing in my head while I wrote Akane's scenes in this story (or something like that. I'm too lazy to look up the specific review). Well, right now I'm hearing Komm Susser Todd (in my heart of hearts, I know that I could never love again, I've lost everything, everything, everything that matters to me, matters in this world...) Poor Akane!  
  
1) Yep, any ideas I used to have for what order I was going to release these chapters in is now right out the window. Right now I'm thinking I'll alternate between this story arc and the Kasumi / Tofu story arc, then move on to my remaining lineup of pairs, but whether or not I'll be able to stick with that plan is anyone's guess.  
  
2) So why exactly does this chapter, which is supposed to be about Soun and Nodoka, revolve entirely around Ranma and Akane? Well, for one thing it isn't EXACTLY about Soun and Nodoka, it's about Soun and Nodoka getting together. That's the difference that makes all the difference. Suffice it to say Ranma leaving Akane at the altar is the first step in setting up the Nodoka/Soun matchup. The second step involves a panda getting killed in a tragic traffic accident, but we'll get to that in part two.  
  
3) I hope nobody was disappointed by Ranma's reason for leaving. Nothing dramatic or earthshaking, just an overwhelming case of cold feet. Face it, mighty occasionally god slaying martial artist he may be, Ranma is still only sixteen years old. He's still a kid being pushed from all sides into something he doesn't understand and knows he's not ready for. That's like ten kinds of scary right there. But what does this mean for him and Akane? Well, we'll just have to wait and see what comes, won't we?  
  
(technically I already provided part of the answer to that question. Here's a hint: It's hidden in chapter two and might look like a plot hole right now.)  
  
4) No I don't consider Akane's tender declaration of love out of character, especially after reading the Manga. Just given her willing participation in setting up the first wedding it's clear to me that she's been thinking along these lines at least since Jusendo. You will never convince me that she wanted to marry him just to get him the cure for his curse. Add to this the... erm... closeness they've shared in this story, the effort Ranma put into training her to beat Shampoo, and the very fact that Ranma consented to the wedding at all, and, well, that's certainly going to make it easier for her to start saying what she really feels. From her standpoint, she's won. Ranma is hers and there's no reason to be afraid of what might happen anymore. Of course, this does make Ranma's leaving her all the more heartbreaking...  
  
(It all returns to nothing, it all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down...) 


	8. Honor And Obligation Part 2: She's not c...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 7: Soun Tendo and Nodoka Saotome, OR On Honor and Obligation  
  
Part 2: She's not crazy, she's just a little old fashioned  
  
As she approached the door to the Tendo household, Shampoo briefly wondered if she would get out alive.  
  
Last night, in a supreme state of grief and anger, Akane had leveled the Cat Cafe, blaming Shampoo for the disappearance of Ranma. Likely this was the common opinion around the Tendo home, meaning that Shampoo was probably walking right in to hostile territory.  
  
It couldn't be helped though. This was something she felt she had to do.  
  
(Not that she knew why of course, she just knew she had to do it. It was probably some kind of closure thing.)  
  
She knocked on the wood frame of the door, took one big step to the left to get out of the immediate line of fire, then she waited.  
  
The door soon slid open and Shampoo was greeted by Nodoka, who, oddly enough, wore a curious white robe. Shampoo had the vague feeling that there was some kind of significance attached to this particular garment (and for that matter the tanto in Nodoka's hand), but she couldn't for the life of her remember what it was. Some Japanese thing.  
  
"Nihao," she said.  
  
"Hello Shampoo," Nodoka replied. "What brings you here so early in the morning?"  
  
"Shampoo wondering how Akane is doing," Shampoo said.  
  
"The poor dear is sleeping right now," Nodoka said. "I am afraid she is still trying to come to grips with everything." Nodoka's hand ever so slightly tightened its grip on the tanto, though her voice remained even tempered and polite. It was a classic sign that Nodoka was displeased. "I'm afraid she still blames you for this dreadful situation."  
  
Shampoo felt a cold chill, and she almost instinctively took a step back. She'd faced down some of the finest martial artists in the world without flinching. How could this woman provoke such fear in her so easily with such a simple and nondescript move? "Shampoo have nothing to do with Ranma leaving," she said defensively.  
  
"You have resorted to nefarious schemes on several occasions to attempt to win my son from Akane," Nodoka pointed out. "Correct?"  
  
"Nefarious is exaggeration," Shampoo offered weakly.  
  
"Let's see," Nodoka said. "As I understand it, you have used bribery, extortion, hypnotic mushrooms, love potions, red strings of fate, at least once you've taken advantage of his fear of cats, another time you attempted to get him to sign a marriage license while under the influence of some sort of magic bandage. Were you not also involved in destroying my house and in the unfortunate first wedding?"  
  
That did little to alleviate Shampoo's fears. She'd sort of hoped that those little incidents had been forgotten by now. She hadn't expected the Saotome matriarch to keep a list.  
  
"But Shampoo really have nothing to do with this," She protested. "Shampoo give up on Ranma. He love Akane. Shampoo can tell long time now that try win him is hopeless. Ranma too stupid to know what good for him."  
  
Nodoka sighed a sigh of resignation. "That may be so, unfortunately this changes nothing."  
  
"That no true," Shampoo said. "Shampoo come to say that I go looking for Ranma. You tell Akane that I go find Ranma and bring him back so she can hit him back in line, okay?"  
  
"That is very sweet of you, Shampoo," Nodoka said. "But why would you do this?"  
  
"Like Shampoo say, Ranma is too stupid to know what good for him," Shampoo said. "Shampoo want get on with life, but no right Ranma leaving like that. Akane and Ranma make agreement to get married, so Ranma have obligation to Akane. No can just run away. Akane beat Shampoo in winning Ranma, so Shampoo fix Akane's problem. Is only proper."  
  
"I'm afraid you might not be able to fix this, Shampoo," Nodoka said. "Ranma seems to have stated his feelings in no uncertain terms."  
  
Shampoo shook her head. "Shampoo know better. You tell Akane is okay? Shampoo no think seeing Akane right now good idea."  
  
Nodoka nodded. "I will see the message is passed on."  
  
"Okay," Shampoo said. She wondered if Akane would believe her or not. It didn't really matter, but she kind of hoped she would. "Bye bye." With that, she left.  
  
As she walked back, she thought back to what she had told Nodoka. She couldn't help but wonder if her motives were really as pure as she had claimed. Sure, she told herself that she was doing this to put it all behind her and get on with her life, but could it really be true?  
  
Could she really say that all the old feelings wouldn't come rushing back when she finally found Ranma? Could she really say she didn't want them back?  
  
After all, if she really had well and truly moved on, why had she felt obligated to exact her own little bit of revenge on her great grandmother for causing this whole thing?  
  
She couldn't help but chuckle a little at the thought. All it had taken was a simple message to the right person. In a few months' time Great Grandmother would learn beyond a shadow of a doubt what it was like to have HER world turned upside down for a change!  
  
But that aside, what was she really trying to accomplish in searching for Ranma? Shampoo would never have a better chance than now to win Ranma for herself. Could she really deny that a part of her couldn't help but want that?  
  
Aw, who cares about her inner doubts! We've got more important ground to cover.  
  
*****  
  
Such a sweet girl, Nodoka decided. So young, so idealistic, so full of confidence that everything would turn out all right.  
  
Oh well.  
  
She headed into the kitchen, where she knew Kasumi was making breakfast. "Kasumi dear," she said.  
  
Kasumi turned to face Nodoka. There was about a half second's pause as she took in Nodoka's choice of attire. "Yes Aunt Saotome?" she asked, no visible sign that she registered the significance of the white robes and tanto. "Who was at the door? It wasn't perhaps Dr Tofu was it?"  
  
Nodoka shook her head. "I'm afraid not. It was Shampoo. She asked me to tell Akane that she was going to find Ranma and bring him back. Could you deliver the message for me? I'm afraid I won't be able to."  
  
Kasumi nodded cheerfully. "Certainly. Are you going on a journey?"  
  
Nodoka thought for a moment. "Of sorts."  
  
There was another half second pause before Kasumi spoke again. "It seems a poor time to take a journey, so close to the New Year and all," she said.  
  
"Nevertheless..."  
  
Another pause. "Also, everyone here would miss you greatly were you to leave us."  
  
"This is a matter of family honor I'm afraid," Nodoka said. "This is a journey I must undertake."  
  
A significantly longer period of silence followed.  
  
"Very well, if this is your wish," Kasumi finally said, perhaps ever so slightly more solemn than usual. "Shall I fetch Mr. Saotome to attend you?"  
  
"Yes, thank you Kasumi. I will be in the dojo." Nodoka bowed to the eldest Tendo daughter. Kasumi returned the bow, bowing perhaps just a fraction of an inch lower and holding it for a fraction of a second longer.  
  
"Goodbye Kasumi," Nodoka said. "I wish you well on your current endeavor."  
  
"It really is a shame that you have to leave," Kasumi said, "though I can understand why you feel it is necessary. May the Kami watch over you."  
  
There was really nothing more to be said.  
  
*****  
  
"Mr. Saotome," Kasumi called as she stood outside the Saotome family's room.  
  
Genma Saotome awoke from a semi-blissful slumber and tried to answer Kasumi.  
  
Unfortunately his words came out in a series of growls. He'd forgotten he was a panda right now.  
  
"Growwl growl," he complained. Too comfortable to want to get out of bed, he tossed a sign through the doorway, which read "What can I do for you Kasumi?"  
  
"Mrs. Saotome needs your assistance in the dojo," Kasumi said cheerfully.  
  
Grumbling to himself, Genma dragged himself to his feet and tromped his way out of the room. He stooped to pick up the sign, flipping it over and showing the new side to Kasumi.  
  
"When's breakfast?" it read.  
  
"It will be another hour or so," Kasumi replied.  
  
Genma nodded and walked on. He decided not to change back right now, given that there was actually very little he could do in human form that he couldn't do as a panda.  
  
He tromped his way through the house and into the dojo.  
  
The sight he beheld there stopped him dead in his tracks.  
  
Nodoka sat kneeling in a rather plain white robe before a tray with a small dish of sake and some writing supplies on it. A tanto also lay on the tray, ready to be used.  
  
"There you are, dear," she said as she caught sight of her husband. "Would you be so kind as to serve as my second? The katana is right over there."  
  
She picked up a brush and began serenely writing her death haiku as Genma began to panic.  
  
He frantically held up a sign. "Don't you think this is a little extreme?" it read.  
  
"Now now dear," Nodoka said. "Ranma's leaving was as much my failure as yours. Certainly I won't allow you to shoulder all the blame yourself." She thought for a moment. "Of course if I do this I won't be there to act as your second when you atone, will I?"  
  
Now Genma REALLY began to panic.  
  
"I suppose you will have to ask Mr. Tendo to serve as your second," Nodoka decided. "Yes, that should work nicely."  
  
No, Genma decided, that would most certainly NOT work nicely.  
  
His mind worked furiously, trying to find a way out of this mess. Suddenly it hit him. He held up another sign.  
  
"Can we put this off until I change back?" it read. "Pandas can't hold katanas."  
  
Nodoka nodded. "Very well, dear. I'll wait right here while you go fetch some hot water."  
  
Genma nodded and tromped out of the dojo.  
  
A few moments later Nodoka heard a rather dreadful racket coming from the house. Genma returned to the dojo soon after, still in panda form.  
  
"Sorry, but the tub and the faucets in the bathroom are broken," his next sign read.  
  
"What was that awful sound I heard?" Nodoka asked.  
  
"Mice," Genma's answering sign read. "I suppose this means we will have to put this off for a while longer."  
  
"Don't be silly dear," Nodoka said. "Just get some hot water from the kitchen."  
  
Genma grumbled something unintelligible. Damn this woman's persistence! Once again he turned and plodded out of the dojo, snagging the katana on the way.  
  
*****  
  
Kasumi was hard at work on breakfast when Genma stomped into the room, the Saotome family katana clenched expertly in his forepaws.  
  
With no preamble he began wailing on the kitchen with abandon, hacking up everything that might conceivably either contain or produce hot water.  
  
In short order the kitchen was a rather thorough wreck.  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "That was rather uncalled for Mr. Saotome."  
  
Genma held up a sign in response.  
  
"So sorry," it said. "Thought I saw a fly."  
  
He then realized he carried a katana in his paw and sheepishly dropped it. He held up another sign.  
  
"Pandas can't hold katanas."  
  
Then he cheerfully skipped out.  
  
Kasumi sighed. "I do wish they could learn to settle these little matters another way."  
  
*****  
  
"You're sure about this, Shampoo?" Cologne asked as Shampoo packed her bag. Shampoo had decided to waste no time, and started packing as soon as she returned to the hotel.  
  
"Yes, Great Grandmother," Shampoo replied in her native tongue. "I'm going to find him and bring him back."  
  
"What are you trying to prove?" Mousse demanded from a corner of the room, his tone wary.  
  
Shampoo shook her head. "I'm not trying to prove anything, Mousse," she said. "This is something I have to do. Ranma has to answer for what he did to Akane."  
  
"Liar," Mousse said coldly. Strangely enough, there was little of the air of confident smugness he had taken on of late. "You want to take him for yourself, plain and simple."  
  
"You're wrong," Shampoo said softly.  
  
"Do you honestly think this changes anything!?" Mousse demanded.  
  
"That's enough Mousse," Cologne said. "Leave us."  
  
Anger flashed across Mousse's eyes (noticeable even through his thick glasses), but he said nothing as he walked out.  
  
"You understand," Colonge said once the door closed, "that if you have truly given up on Ranma, you will have to undergo re-training. There will be a stigma of dishonor over this. One not easy to remove."  
  
Shampoo nodded. It was the price of acknowledging defeat at the hands of an outsider. "I don't really have a choice, do I?"  
  
"Actually, you do," Cologne said. "However that choice is entirely your own to make." She produced a small bag from somewhere. "Take these with you," she said as she tossed the bag to Shampoo.  
  
"What are they?" Shampoo asked.  
  
"They are a herbal remedy," Cologne replied. "You still haven't quite recovered from being virtually baked alive by Akane, and traveling long distances in that state isn't good. Take those pills once a day and they will help you recover."  
  
Shampoo nodded her understanding and slipped the bag into her pack.  
  
"It hurts," she said softly, unsure why she said it.  
  
"The burns?" Cologne asked.  
  
"No," Shampoo replied.  
  
"Ah..." Colonge said, understanding. "First love's always the worst. I've been alive for three hundred years and have had fifty seven lovers, but the first one is the one that always sticks in my mind. Even now after so long, even though I know what kind of man he was, and is, I can't help but occasionally think back to what might have been..."  
  
Shampoo realized who her great grandmother was talking about and couldn't help but burst out in laughter.  
  
"I don't know if that was quite warranted," Cologne protested.  
  
"I... I'm sorry Great Grandmother," Shampoo said, still trying to restrain her chuckles. Oh boy! What might have been? If she only knew...  
  
"So how do you intend to find Ranma?" Cologne asked.  
  
"I don't know," Shampoo replied. "I can't begin to guess where he might go." She smiled. "Of course, this isn't the first time I've had to track him down. I'll catch up to him eventually." She grabbed her pack and slung it over her shoulder. "I'd better get going."  
  
Cologne nodded. "Good luck Shampoo," she said.  
  
Shampoo offered a brisk salute, then turned and left.  
  
"Enjoy your herbal remedies," Cologne said once she was sure Shampoo was well away. "I've prepared the way for you, now the decision really is yours to make."  
  
*****  
  
Night had fallen upon Nerima (as it did at least once a day).  
  
Genma sighed a panda's sigh of relief as he settled in for the night, his wife very much alive and blissfully snoring next to him. He'd definitely dodged a bullet today.  
  
If there was one thing that could be counted on in this world, it was that Nodoka Saotome, once she agreed to something, never went back on her word, no matter how mundane or ordinary the agreement. In this case it meant that she would not commit seppuku until Genma changed back into a man. Even if she suspected that Genma was very well versed with the katana no matter what form he was in, she would stand by her word.  
  
Of course he couldn't stay a panda forever. Even given the damage he had already done, even though he had just set Happosai loose to lay waste to every bathhouse in the Tokyo area (which Happosai was happy to do. He was quite fond of Nodoka, and he got free underwear and peeps out of it), it was only a matter of time until some hot water from some source found its way into the Tendo home. No, he needed something more permanent.  
  
He needed to convince Nodoka that she had to stay alive... But how?  
  
The only things she cared about in this world were her son and honor. Genma admitted ruefully that he didn't even make the list anymore (once perhaps, but not now). Her son had left, abandoning his fiancee on the night before their wedding, and as a result Nodoka's honor now compelled her to take her own life to atone for his breach of honor.  
  
Wait, her honor compels her...  
  
Of course!  
  
*****  
  
Damn her! Damn that bitch to hell!  
  
Mousse lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Damn Shampoo!  
  
"She'll fail," he told himself. "She'll fail and then she'll come back and start using me again. Lying bitch, pretending like your nothing like me. Why don't you just die and leave me in peace?"  
  
"Do you realize that I hate you?" he said to nobody. "I hate you so much I want to break your neck. How can you make me feel like this? You're such a fucking waste and I should break your neck."  
  
He lay there in silence for a few moments. When he spoke again, his voice had lost all the vitriol it had once had. Mousse struggled to keep back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him.  
  
"Damnit, why do I have to love you? I hate you, I hate you and I love you. Why can't you just leave me alone?"  
  
"I'm going to kill you Shampoo," he said as he felt tears streaming down his cheek. "I can't go on like this anymore. I have to kill you, only then can I be free of you. I don't want to, I love you so much, but I have to."  
  
"It's the only way."  
  
*****  
  
Early the next morning Genma was surprised to see Kasumi out in the garden burning trash. This wasn't her usual day for it.  
  
"Why good morning Mr. Saotome," she said as she caught sight of him. Genma offered a proper good morning sign in return.  
  
He noticed what Kasumi had in her hand just before she dropped it into the fire.  
  
"Oh my," she said in exasperation that Genma thought might be just a little feigned, "that was the last box of matches."  
  
The fire briefly flared up as the flames reached the matches in the box. Kasumi shrugged.  
  
"Kasumi dear," another voice called in the distance.  
  
"I suppose it can't be helped," Kasumi said as she grabbed the fire bucket.  
  
"Kasumi," the other voice called insistently, much closer now.  
  
Kasumi doused the fire. Only then did she turn to face the new arrival. "May I help you Mrs. Saotome?"  
  
Nodoka stood there, looking a little defeated in her white robe. The kettle of water she held in one hand now pretty much useless.  
  
"I was hoping to borrow your fire for a moment to heat this water," she said, holding up the kettle.  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi replied. "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's no problem dear," Nodoka said. "I suppose I could just build my own fire. Where are the matches?"  
  
Kasumi smiled cheerfully. "I'm afraid we're all out of matches," she said.  
  
"I see," Nodoka said thoughtfully. "Very well, I suppose it can wait." She bowed to Kasumi (not really giving any attention to Genma) and walked away.  
  
Genma breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Thanks for the save," his sign to Kasumi read.  
  
Kasumi smiled sunnily. "Mrs. Saotome is such a sweet woman," she said.  
  
Soun entered the garden, his expression was less than cheerful when he spotted Genma.  
  
"Saotome, what are you still doing here?" he demanded in a low, angry voice. "Why haven't you gone after that no-account son of yours? Akane is in absolute misery!"  
  
Genma gave Soun his best solemn look and held up a sign. "How am I supposed to find him?"  
  
Soun didn't have an answer for that. Ranma had vanished without a trace. Nobody had a clue how to begin to find him.  
  
Soun sat down on the steps with a dejected sigh. "What are we going to do, Saotome?" he asked. "It's all fallen apart and there's nothing we can do about it."  
  
"Give the boy some time," Genma's answering sign read. "Perhaps he'll come back to his senses and come back on his own."  
  
"Do you really believe that, Saotome?" Soun asked.  
  
Genma didn't answer.  
  
"That's what I thought," Soun said.  
  
Genma presented another sign to him.  
  
"The honor of the anything goes school must be maintained, no matter what the cost," it read. "Dear friend, no matter what happens, I'm counting on you to take care of Nodoka and do what must be done for the good of the art."  
  
Soun was stunned by Genma's statement. "What do you mean by this, Saotome?" he asked, desperately confused. "You can't mean to go through with seppuku, can you?"  
  
Genma remained silent as he got up and walked away. He still had a lot of work left to do.  
  
And very little time in which to do it.  
  
*****  
  
The mountain village Shampoo had arrived at seemed peaceful enough. Actually, the peaceful splendor of the place, promising quaint village comforts to weary travelers, seemed almost like a godsend right now.  
  
Shampoo had been either on a train or on the road for nearly twenty four hours now, following what little bit of a trail Ranma had left, and she was in serious need of a rest. She was exhausted!  
  
Ranma had proven substantially easier to track than she had first thought he would have been. Utilizing her bubbly amazon cuteness to full advantage, Shampoo had no trouble getting information from the ticket offices at the rail station. The clerk there had told her that a young man matching Ranma's description had boarded a train heading into the mountains two days ago.  
  
After arriving at the end of the line, Shampoo had started walking into the mountains, picking up more leads with exceptional ease along the way. Locals had seen a redheaded girl heading towards this village a couple days back. One girl even recounted a fearful tale of witnessing a young man changing into said redhead during a sudden downpour.  
  
No, this was definitely not like Ranma at all. The last time, when she had hunted him across China, Ranma and his father had done everything they could to keep themselves relatively hidden. Now it seemed like Ranma just didn't care about that. All he was doing was running. Shampoo doubted he even consciously knew where he was going.  
  
Of course, this could make things more difficult in the long run. A person who has an idea where they're going is more likely to inadvertently leave clues as to their final destination. Those who are just wandering, on the other hand... Shampoo was already two days behind Ranma. If her luck didn't hold up, she could quickly find herself totally lost without a clue as to his location.  
  
Oh well, she decided as she approached a local inn. She'll worry about that later, after a good night's sleep and...  
  
She stopped dead in her tracks as she entered the inn. Across the room, someone else, looking perhaps half dead, looked at her with surprise and disgust in his eyes.  
  
"Shampoo," he said quietly, coldly.  
  
Shampoo recovered from her surprise quickly enough. Her heart pounded like a drum. It was too soon! She wasn't ready for this yet! She did her best to steady herself before speaking.  
  
"Nihao Ranma."  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
Author's notes:  
  
You know, I was really hoping I would get around to killing off Genma and Mousse in this chapter. There are a lot of reasons why I didn't, of course, mostly because I had covered a lot of ground as it was. When I was thinking this particular story arc out, I clearly didn't realize how much I was trying to cover in one chapter. Oh well, it means yet another extra chapter for what was originally going to be a five couple, six chapter story :)  
  
I have to say that this chapter was a real joy to write. I'm not sure why, but it just was. I got into a serious Zen thing between caffeine induced migraines, a monster cold, and nights of not sleeping properly. The ideas just sort of flowed like cherry cola.  
  
(Yup, the above statement is definitely a sign that I've been doing this too much lately, or that it's really late and I should be asleep.)  
  
Out of necessity I'll be putting working on this story aside for a while (don't expect any new updates for at least a month, maybe more). If you haven't noticed from my rather ludicrous ramblings up above, my brain feels a little fried right now for various reasons. I've also got some other stuff that I've been putting off for some time that I have got to take care of.  
  
So of course I had to leave you guys with a cliffhanger. I hope you appreciate it :) 


	9. Honor And Obligation Part 3: Self Destru...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
NonStandard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
[Everything is going to be okay. Ermm... yeah, okay. That's it]  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 7: Soun Tendo and Nodoka Saotome, OR On Honor and Obligation  
  
Part 3: Self Destruct  
  
Akane had hoped that the crisp morning air would clear her head and put things into perspective, but that just hadn't been the case.  
  
It had been four days since Ranma had left her. For the first day she refused to accept it. She told herself that this was all just a cruel joke, something Shampoo or Ukyo must have perpetrated. Somewhere along the way, she just lost it. She had only the vaguest of memories of destroying the Cat Cafe, then collapsing into a weeping heap amidst the rubble. Once she realized the truth, that Ranma had left of his own free will, it was like it was happening all over again.  
  
For the next two days she didn't do much more than cry.  
  
This morning she had come to a decision. She wouldn't cry anymore. She'd accept that Ranma didn't.... didn't want her. She'd get on with her life.  
  
Through shear force of will she got most of the way through breakfast without breaking down, but it was just too hard. Everything she had been trying to keep inside just broke free. Once again she got lost in the pain, the tears she had promised herself she wouldn't shed pouring with abandon.  
  
Once she had come back to herself, she decided to take a walk.  
  
"How could I have been so stupid?" she asked herself as she walked. "I can't believe I ever told him I..."  
  
She felt a lump in her throat, felt the tears returning. No, she could believe it, and she had meant it. She'd meant every word when she told Ranma that she loved him. She'd finally just let her heart go, finally let those feelings that she had kept inside free without being afraid of what would happen (or without being under supernatural influence).  
  
That's what made it so hard...  
  
The tears were running down her cheeks, but she fought against them. No, she told herself, she would not cry anymore!  
  
"Akane?"  
  
Akane looked up to see who had spoken. "Shampoo!" she uttered, surprised. Shampoo was supposed to have left on her search for Ranma two days ago. Why was she here now? Had something happened?  
  
Akane's heart took a brief, irrational leap. Had she found Ranma already?  
  
And it just as quickly came crashing down again. What if she had? What could Akane say to him? If... if Ranma didn't want her after all...  
  
Something flashed through Shampoo's eyes. Something Akane had never seen before. Was it... weakness? Regret? Sadness?  
  
Shampoo looked away. She quietly uttered something in her native tongue that Akane didn't understand.  
  
"Did..." Akane said softly, "did you find Ranma?"  
  
"I..." Shampoo began to say, then stopped. "No," she said finally. "Shampoo no find Ranma."  
  
Akane felt a cold dagger in her chest. Shampoo's words had been so simple, so straightforward, but something about them...  
  
"I see," she said, feeling empty inside. Was this it? Did this mean that it was over? Was there no hope left?  
  
Shampoo started walking away, but she stopped after a few steps.  
  
"Akane," she said softly without looking. "Shampoo need you to always remember no matter what happened, Ranma loves you. He... He just too stupid to understand what that mean. You never forget, okay? Some day he come to his senses."  
  
She then started walking once again, this time without stopping.  
  
Neither of them saw the man watching them from a distance, his gaze intense and his stomach rumbling.  
  
*****  
  
Mousse said nothing when Shampoo entered the hotel room. Instead he watched her with cold, wary eyes. Why was she back so soon? What had happened to her?  
  
"Where is Great Grandmother?" she asked him.  
  
"She's out buying food," Mousse replied. Shampoo looked so worn out, so drained... Mousse smiled a grim smile as he puzzled out the meaning. "You found him, didn't you? You found him and you tried to get him for yourself."  
  
Shampoo looked away. "Yes," she said softly.  
  
"It didn't work, did it, Shampoo?" Mousse badgered relentlessly. "I told you, didn't I? I told you that nothing was different now, that you hadn't changed one bit, and neither had he. You just wouldn't believe me. So noble, so pure your intentions were, weren't they?" He laughed darkly. "How did it feel to get rejected by him again? To get tossed aside?"  
  
Shampoo said nothing.  
  
"So," Mousse said. "Your bed or mine?"  
  
Shampoo gave Mousse a cold stare. "You're an idiot," she snapped. "You have no idea what you are talking about."  
  
Mousse stepped forward and took Shampoo into his arms, his hands wandering with abandon. "Whatever you say, Shampoo," he said, feeling her shudder in his grasp. "Haven't you figured it out yet? You'll keep coming back to me because I'm the only one who will ever really love you. Even though I hate you for what you've turned me into, and I want to kill you so I can finally be free, I'm still trapped by yo..."  
  
Shampoo delivered a knee to Mousse's groin, which cut off his ranting quite well as he dropped to the ground in pain. "Everything has changed, Mousse," she said. "I don't need you anymore. You have to learn to get on with your life. You can't keep chasing after something that will never be."  
  
Something inside Mousse just snapped. What was she saying? How could she claim... what could have changed... Is she saying she... HOW DARE SHE... "BITCH!" he screamed as he lunged at her with a dagger drawn, unthinking, ready to strike her from existence.  
  
Shampoo easily sidestepped his attack and Mousse buried the dagger up to its hilt in the wall.  
  
And as he stood there, grasping the dagger that he had just tried to kill the woman he loved with, the full realization of what he had wanted to do came down on him. It was a terrible, unbearable epiphany. In a flash he realized the twisted, monstrous thing he had become.  
  
"WHAT HAVE I DONE!" he cried. Without thinking he just started running, fleeing the room without looking back, no even hearing Shampoo's call for him to stop.  
  
*****  
  
"Excuse me, miss."  
  
Cologne turned to see who was addressing her, setting her basket of groceries aside. She wasn't accustomed to being called to in grocery stores, and was as a result immediately on her guard. Surprisingly enough, it appeared to be some kind of priest that had addressed her. "What do you want?" she asked.  
  
"Can I bother you for something to eat?" the priest asked.  
  
Irritation flashed through Cologne's eyes. "Don't be ridiculous," she said. "If you want something to eat go buy something."  
  
The priest hrmmed then seemed to stare into Cologne's soul in a way that made her nervous.  
  
"You need not question the future," he said suddenly. "Your granddaughter shall get what she seeks, though perhaps not as she imagined."  
  
"What?" Cologne demanded, surprised. She had, in fact, just been thinking about Shampoo and wondering what would come of everything. To be accosted by a priest in a presumably random location, then to be told essentially what she was thinking, was something of a shock to the Amazon Matriarch's system.  
  
"I have seen love in her future," the priest continued. "She will know the love of a boy with a pigtail." His voice got a little more grave. "However I see death surrounding this affair. Someone will die before this matter is resolved, someone who is dear to one of the involved parties."  
  
Shampoo will know the love of a pigtailed boy? Someone is going to die? What was the meaning of this? Was this man seeing the future, or was he just a fraud or rambling lunatic?  
  
"You are a fortune teller?" Cologne asked. The priest nodded. "What else have you seen?"  
  
"Can I have something to eat?" the priest asked.  
  
Cologne scowled. "Get on with it!" she demanded.  
  
"I see now that you will have a role to play in this affair as well," the priest said. "When an adversary who you cannot trust comes to seek your aid, you must be prepared to give it, no matter how dangerous it seems. If you do not the matter will come to ruin."  
  
He then turned and walked away.  
  
Cologne thought about the man's words. Was he telling the truth? He hadn't seemed like a charlatan, and there was something about him...  
  
Still, even if it were true, what did it mean? An adversary she cannot trust? The death of someone dear to the involved parties? This sounded all too ominous to her.  
  
In the meanwhile someone else had stopped the priest.  
  
"Hold it right there Gendo," the short, squat little ninja said as he dropped in front of the priest. "You can't just run off after telling me I'm in danger! What do you mean I face danger from he whose position I usurped? What kind of divination is that?"  
  
"Sasuke..." the priest responded gravely. There was a moment of dramatic pause. "Isn't it time to eat?"  
  
*****  
  
Akane was lost in thought as she arrived at the front gate of the Tendo home, going over what Shampoo had told her. Despite what the Amazon had said, Akane was certain that there was something that she wasn't being told. Shampoo had been... different. Something had happened to her while she was out looking for Ranma, there was no way around it.  
  
But what? Did it have something to do with Ranma? Had she found him after all?  
  
No matter what had happened, Shampoo had told her, Ranma loved her. What did Shampoo mean by that?  
  
So lost was Akane in her thoughts that she almost didn't notice the panda sneaking over the wall. Almost.  
  
"Mr. Saotome?" she said in surprise. Genma seemed rather nervous, though Akane didn't have a clue as to why that would be.  
  
(Of course, she'd been more or less out of it for the past few days, and as a result didn't really know what had been going on lately)  
  
Genma for his part was clearly startled, now that he had been spotted making his escape.  
  
"What are you doing?" Akane asked.  
  
Genma scratched his head sheepishly, then presented a sign. "I have a few errands to run," it read.  
  
"Genma dear," a voice from inside called.  
  
"Gotta go," the next sign read. Genma took off like a rocket.  
  
"What was that about?" Akane wondered to herself as she entered the grounds.  
  
"Why hello Akane," Nodoka said, standing next to the front door wearing her white robes and carrying a steaming kettle of water. "Have you seen my husband anywhere?"  
  
Akane in the meanwhile had been struck dumb as soon as she realized what Nodoka was wearing.  
  
"Oh bother," Nodoka said. "All the trouble I had getting this water and now my husband is nowhere to be found."  
  
"What... what... are you... doing!" Akane managed.  
  
Nodoka got very solemn when she realized what Akane was asking. "This is a matter of honor, Akane dear," she said. "There is a stain of dishonor upon the Saotome family now that has to be removed. I have no choice but to atone for this dishonor."  
  
"You CAN'T!" Akane cried. This can't be happening! First Ranma leaves and now...  
  
"I know this is difficult, child," Nodoka said, "but you have to understand that there is no other choice..."  
  
"FIRE!"  
  
Both ladies turned to see what was going on just in time for an old, wizened blur of a dirty old man to shoot towards them.  
  
"The refrigerator's on fire!" Happosai cried as he snatched Nodoka's kettle from her grasp before she could react.  
  
"Wait Grandfather Happosai!" Nodoka called as Happosai shot back into the house at lighting speed. The ancient founder of the Anything Goes School did not respond. "And after all I went through to get that hot water too..."  
  
*****  
  
"So, Kasumi," Nabiki asked as the family sat down for lunch (takeout okonomiyaki), "how exactly did you manage to accidentally set the refrigerator on fire?"  
  
"These things happen I'm afraid," Kasumi replied.  
  
"And who would have thought that the fire extinguisher was no good either," Nabiki added. "How convenient that Nodoka had that kettle of water, wouldn't you say so, Akane?"  
  
Akane sat there in virtual shock, just trying to come to terms with all of this.  
  
"Akane," Kasumi said. "You aren't eating."  
  
"It's like it's some kind of game to you," Akane said almost in a whisper.  
  
Nobody else at the table responded.  
  
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON!" Akane suddenly screamed. "EVERTHING IS FALLING APART!" She fled from the table, running for her room without looking back.  
  
*****  
  
Mousse didn't know how long he had been running when he finally stopped.  
  
He'd done it. He'd actually tried to kill Shampoo.  
  
"What have I become?" he asked himself. "How could I..."  
  
He tried to kill her.  
  
"Shampoo, I love you! How could I..."  
  
He'd wanted her dead.  
  
Mousse looked around himself. He was on some kind of cliff facing the sea, a heavy wind ripping through the air and driving the waves to enormous heights.  
  
Why did he come here? He hadn't thought that he had been running to any specific destination, but as he peered over the edge of the cliff at the seas lashing against the rocks below, he felt something, a sense of rightness.  
  
Was this what he was looking for? What he had really wanted from the start?  
  
"I can't go back to the way things were," he said as he stepped closer to the edge. "I can't go on as I am. Shampoo, this has to end."  
  
He readied himself as best he could, taking a deep breath before preparing to step into oblivion.  
  
He hesitated when he heard the sound of someone approaching, but only for a moment. Nothing was going to stop him! He lifted his foot over the edge of the cliff.  
  
The sound of panicked growling once again caused him to pause. He recognized that voice! In a flash he felt himself overcome with rage. "It's all your fault," he uttered in a low growl. "You brought him into this!" He spun to face the new arrival.  
  
"I'M TAKING YOU TO HELL WITH ME!"  
  
*****  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said as dinner (also takeout okonomiyaki) arrived. "Mr. Saotome has been gone for some time now. He's going to miss dinner."  
  
Darkness had since crept over Nerima. Akane remained in her room, lost in misery all over again. Nabiki was nowhere to be seen, having left on an errand of her own without a word to anyone.  
  
Nodoka sat clutching the Saotome family sword in both hands, a look of regret and concern on her face.  
  
"Genma is a good man," she said softly. "Isn't he, Kasumi?"  
  
Kasumi thought for a moment. "I suppose he is, in his way," she said.  
  
"He doesn't want to be responsible for my death," Nodoka said. "He's looking for another way, I know he is."  
  
Kasumi said nothing. It didn't surprise her that the Saotome matriarch had an idea of what her husband was up to. Nodoka Saotome wasn't half as oblivious as some might believe.  
  
"I'm afraid, Kasumi," Nodoka said. "I'm afraid there is only one way for this matter to be resolved. This isn't what I wanted, none of this. I... I don't want Genma to die for me..."  
  
Then the phone rang.  
  
*****  
  
"Sometimes I hate this job," Detective Iwamoto said as he looked over the scene.  
  
"Getting any good forensics is going to be impossible," Detective Nagara said. "It's going to be hard enough to get the car out of the sea. No way we're going to be able to figure out what happened."  
  
The two detectives stood on a cliff overlooking the sea. Around them was scattered an assortment of chains and blades, along with a great deal of blood splatter. In the seas below them was the wreck of a car and, presumably, two bodies.  
  
Nagara stopped to look at one of the blades lying on the ground. "What the hell went on here? What kind of guy carries these kind of weapons around?"  
  
Iwamoto shook his head. "You're new to Nerima, right?"  
  
Nagara nodded. "Moved up from Yokohama two months ago."  
  
"First thing you need to learn working in this town is don't worry about things like that," Iwamoto said. "How's the witness?"  
  
"Can't figure her out either," Nagara said. "Seems kind of cold about the whole thing, even though she just saw a family friend get hit by a car."  
  
"People deal with it in different ways," Iwamoto said. "She sure about what she saw?"  
  
"Yeah. No doubt," Nagara said. "She says she saw this Mr. Saotome and Mousse get hit by a car and fall off the cliff. From the description she gave, I doubt she could be much mistaken."  
  
"Have you contacted her family?"  
  
"Someone's on it," Nagara said.  
  
"All right," Iwamoto said. "They were fighting?"  
  
Nagara nodded. "That's what Ms. Tendo said. She doesn't know what about, but all this," he waved his hand to indicate the assortment of weapons and blood spatters everywhere, "seems to indicate that it was something major."  
  
The blood maybe, Iwamoto thought. The weapons were pretty much par for the course though. Iwamoto was a long time resident of Nerima, and he was well familiar with what went on in this town, but this was the first time that he knew of where the endless fighting between the varied martial artists had resulted in fatalities. Iwamoto suddenly felt himself longing for the time when his biggest concern was trying to catch a panty thief.  
  
"Should we be notifying them this soon?" Nagara asked. "The family I mean."  
  
"They'll either hear it from us or Ms. Tendo," Iwamoto said. "You saw how the car got all smashed up down there. With the weather how it is, there's no way anyone could survive getting bashed on those rocks, not even one of these guys."  
  
"These guys?" Nagara inquired.  
  
"You'll understand soon enough," Iwamoto said.  
  
*****  
  
Time passed, two weeks to be exact.  
  
"I feel like I killed him," Shampoo said as she sat in the doctor's waiting room. Cologne had just gotten back from talking privately to the doctor about Shampoo's health (something that normally would have Shampoo worried, but right now she had too much on her mind).  
  
"Nonsense child," Cologne said. "It was a tragic accident, nothing more." A tragic, stupid accident. As near as the police had been able to uncover, the car that had hit Mousse and Genma and sent them to their deaths had been stolen mere hours before. Their conclusion? Some punk stole a car for a joyride and had hit the... victims... while they were busy fighting each other. Of course no bodies had been recovered, but considering the state of the sea that day, that wasn't necessarily surprising.  
  
Still, there was a whiff of implausibility...  
  
"But I..." Shampoo began to say.  
  
"I'm sorry, Shampoo," Cologne said. "I know Mousse was a friend since childhood, but you cannot blame yourself for events outside of your control, especially now that you have other, more important things to think about."  
  
Shampoo looked puzzled. "What do you mean?" she asked. "What did the doctor say?"  
  
"You have nothing to worry about Shampoo," Cologne said. "You are in perfect health. It appears the herbal remedies I gave you did an excellent job." Better than you know, she didn't add. "It seems your search for Ranma went better than I could have hoped as well."  
  
Shampoo gave Cologne a look of complete and utter non-comprehension. "I don't understand Great Grandmother."  
  
Cologne smiled a smile of victory.  
  
"Shampoo," she said, "you are pregnant."  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
"Nothing easy is ever simple!" ~Plucky Duck  
  
No I'm not just making this up on the fly as I'm going along. Yes I do have everything planned out (though I recently made some extensive changes to said plan).  
  
No I'm not going to tell you what said plan is :)  
  
However I will tell you this:  
  
*What happened between Ranma and Shampoo? What could have happened to make Shampoo unable to look Akane in the eye?  
  
*Did Genma and Mousse really get killed in a tragic accident?  
  
*What the heck is up with that crazy prediction about Shampoo and the love of a pigtailed boy?  
  
*Who's marked for death?  
  
*What will be the ultimate fate of Ranma and Akane's relationship?  
  
Answers to some of these questions are coming up in the next chapter, the long anticipated and repeatedly re-written not-so-final chapter of Couple's Therapy: Ranma and Akane Re-Revisited, OR Unsaid.  
  
Get ready for it! :) 


	10. Unsaid

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Standard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 8: Ranma and Akane Re-Revisited, OR Unsaid  
  
--------------------  
  
Akane Tendo stalked through the streets of Nerima, burning with anger, seeking her prey.  
  
Two weeks ago, Genma Saotome had been declared dead, killed in a traffic accident witnessed by Nabiki. Akane, still trying to come to grips with Ranma's leaving and Nodoka's intentions to kill herself, simply couldn't handle this new shock.  
  
She'd just... shut down, become a virtual zombie. She walked, she talked, but she didn't feel anything anymore. The first week after Genma's death passed in a dazed blur.  
  
When Nabiki had announced that she and Kuno were now engaged, it had barely registered with Akane.  
  
When she heard about Ukyo and Ryoga's engagement, and Ukyo's pregnancy, the meaning of the words hadn't registered at all.  
  
When her father and Nodoka announced that the Saotome and Tendo schools would be united after all, by them (the plan was to wed next year), the only reaction Akane could muster was to get up from the table and go to bed.  
  
That was how it had been for her. The world had become a surreal fog which madness and pain sprang out of. It was like a bad dream she couldn't wake up from, and she couldn't cope with it, so she simply decided not to.  
  
Then, a couple of days ago, as she was aimlessly wandering, she caught sight of Genma among the crowd.  
  
At first this too didn't register. She'd just sort of accepted it, not even mentioning it to her family. So Genma was alive? Go figure.  
  
But that night, something changed. She'd just laid there in bed and she couldn't get it out of her head. Genma was alive! He'd survived what the police had said was an unsurvivable accident! How?  
  
Then it had hit her.  
  
It wasn't an accident.  
  
The more she thought about it, the more the conclusion became inescapable for her. Genma had faked his death. Nabiki had probably helped him.  
  
He'd faked his death and left his wife in misery...  
  
That night, the old fire was reawakened. These last couple of days Akane had been searching for Genma, and when she found him, she would have her explanation, by force if necessary.  
  
*****  
  
"Why didn't you let me die?" Mousse demanded as he sat tied to a chair, being fed oatmeal by the not so late Genma Saotome.  
  
"Don't be ridiculous," Genma said. "Whatever happened, it certainly isn't worth killing yourself over. You'll thank me later."  
  
"How can you know that?" Mousse said. "You have no idea what I've done."  
  
"Killing yourself never solved anything," Genma replied. "A man's gotta face his demons head on, not run and hide from them."  
  
The door to the small room where they were staying was suddenly kicked open.  
  
"AND WHO ARE YOU TO BE TELLING THAT TO ANYBODY?!" a barely recognizable voice, full of anger, demanded.  
  
Before Genma could even respond, he was blown through the wall by a blast of rage charged ki. Akane, still literally glowing with anger, quickly stepped over to him, picked him up, and tossed him into another wall.  
  
"What kind of monster are you!" Akane demanded as she approached Genma yet again. "How could you do that to your own wife!"  
  
"I can explain!" Genma pleaded as he was yet again hoisted by his collar and slapped several times.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Akane screamed as she tossed him into the third wall with all of her strength. Genma slumped to the ground, though he was still clearly conscious.  
  
"GET UP!" Akane demanded. "I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!"  
  
Genma shook his head. "It was a difficult decision to make. But I had to do whatever I could to save Nodoka. You have to understand that. Sometimes the decisions we have to make are hard ones, but..." A look of surprise flashed across his face, and he pointed. "Oh my god, look Akane, it's Ranma!"  
  
Almost by reflex, feeling the briefest surge of hope, Akane looked, realizing even as she turned that it was a trick.  
  
And when she looked back, Genma was long gone.  
  
"How could I be so stupid?" Akane chastised herself. "How could I have fallen for that? When I find him again..."  
  
But she didn't really mean it, she realized. Try as she might she just couldn't muster up the same rage that had brought her here, instead feeling a sort of peace. Beating Genma to a pulp hadn't, and wouldn't solve anything.  
  
But... blowing off all her anger like that might have made her feel just a little better. She walked out of the room, perhaps a little bit more ready to face whatever else the gods decided to throw at her.  
  
"Um... Akane," Mousse called after her. "Could you untie me please?"  
  
*****  
  
As Akane walked back towards home, she couldn't help but wonder what would be for lunch, and it suddenly hit her that this was probably the first time in weeks that she had an appetite.  
  
Could this mean that she was starting to heal? To get over what had happened? No, Ranma's absence still felt like a knife shoved into her heart. But... perhaps, just maybe, the world wasn't quite the dark abyss of despair it had seemed like. Beating the stuffing out of Genma, just letting out all the hurt and pain in one massive orgy of violence, really had been good for her.  
  
(of course some might point out that maybe she should find more constructive ways of dealing with grief)  
  
But what would she do now? That was the question, wasn't it? Ranma was... was still gone. The world around her was still utterly mad. She didn't think there was anything she could do about that.  
  
"Why, hello Akane."  
  
Akane turned to see Kasumi standing before her.  
  
"Out for a walk?" the eldest Tendo daughter asked.  
  
"Umm... yeah," Akane replied.  
  
"Such a lovely day," Kasumi said. "You haven't perhaps seen doctor Tofu anywhere, have you?"  
  
"Doctor Tofu?" Akane repeated, feeling a little lost. "No, I haven't seen him."  
  
"What a pity," Kasumi said. "I suppose I will have to keep looking."  
  
She started walking again, but stopped. "That reminds me," she said. "Akane, I need to talk to you about something."  
  
"What, Kasumi?" Akane asked.  
  
"It's about you and Ranma," Kasumi said.  
  
Akane felt the knife in her heart twist cruelly.  
  
"I understand that you two have become very close," Kasumi said, "however, I must tell you that the... intimacy you have shared isn't... well, that is really something you shouldn't be doing right now." Kasumi seemed genuinely concerned about this matter. "That is something you should save for when you are married."  
  
Akane couldn't believe her ears. It was like Kasumi didn't even realize Ranma had left! "How can you say this to me?" she said quietly. All the hurt was rushing back with a vengeance.  
  
"What do you mean?" Kasumi asked.  
  
"Ranma left me!" Akane cried. "Can't you understand that!?"  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. To Akane's amazement she smiled brightly. "I'm sure you two will be able to work out that little problem. If it's important enough to them, a couple can work out anything."  
  
"But..." Akane protested weakly.  
  
"Well," Kasumi said, "I must be off. I will see you later Akane."  
  
Without another word, Kasumi walked away.  
  
*****  
  
Unbeknownst to either woman, another watched this exchange from an alley with a heavy and tormented heart.  
  
"Oh Akane," Ryoga whispered as he watched Akane stand there, a tear streaming down her cheek. "I can't stand to see you like this."  
  
And yet he knew full well that once he would have considered this his golden opportunity. With Ranma gone and Akane week and vulnerable... even now the dark corners of his heart were urging him to take that chance, to show Akane a man who would never betray her...  
  
But he couldn't! One night's mistake had closed that door forever. Even if it hadn't, Ryoga now realized how... wrong it would be to take advantage of her. He realized that he couldn't do that to her.  
  
Damn Ranma! How could he do this to Akane! The coward! If he were here right now Ryoga would make him regret that he was ever born!  
  
Even so, even though Ryoga wanted to track Ranma down and grind every bone in his body into powder, he knew he couldn't. He had to stay in Nerima and take care of Ukyo. It was a matter of honor, something Ranma didn't seem to understand at all.  
  
Still... she loved him.  
  
It was a heart wrenching realization he had come to long ago. No matter what, Akane would always love Ranma. Now that love was tearing her apart inside, because she was convinced that he didn't love her. No matter how much Ryoga hated Ranma, no matter if Akane would be better off without the fool...  
  
No matter that it ground Ryoga's heart to nothing, he couldn't bear to let this go on any longer. He couldn't let Akane descend into the same misery that he had known his entire life.  
  
So, he stepped forward.  
  
"She's right you know," he said.  
  
Akane spun around, surprised. "Ryoga!"  
  
"She's right, Akane," Ryoga said. "It doesn't have to end like this. You have to go find him, talk to him."  
  
"But he..."  
  
"When we were at Jusendo," Ryoga said, "when Ranma thought you were dead, he said..."  
  
"No," Akane cut Ryoga off, "he didn't say it. I... I misheard him."  
  
"No, Akane," Ryoga said. "You didn't. I know, because I heard him too."  
  
Akane looked like she was about to start bawling.  
  
"Ranma would move Heaven and Earth," Ryoga said, "face the very gods themselves for you, Akane. You can't..." Ryoga fought against the lump in his throat, "you can't let it end like this."  
  
"But," Akane fought back a sob, "he's been gone for so long..."  
  
"I don't know why that is, Akane," Ryoga said, "but I know you two are meant to be together. If you let him go, you... you'll regret it for the rest of your life."  
  
A sad smile appeared on Ryoga's face. "I've had to face up to some very difficult truths lately. I've been trying so hard to deny them for so long, but I can't ignore what I know to be real anymore. You... you and Ranma love each other. If... if you hesitate, if you're so afraid of getting hurt that you miss your chance for happiness..." Ryoga was finding it increasingly difficult to continue.  
  
"You're thinking of Akari," Akane said. "Aren't you?"  
  
Ryoga sighed. "Yeah, Akari," he said. Akane would never know what he was really saying. "All this time I've been so afraid to just admit the truth, to let my heart do the talking, afraid that she wouldn't accept me, afraid of rejection. I never realized that hiding my heart only made things worse."  
  
"But she'd never reject you," Akane said. "Akari cares so much for you. Even after what happened between you and Ukyo, I'm sure..."  
  
So Akane knew. There was no surprise there, Ukyo had seemed to take a perverse delight in telling everyone that Ryoga had gotten her drunk and taken advantage of her (even if that wasn't quite the case). It was only one part of the living hell that Ukyo planned for him. "It doesn't matter now," he said. "I have to take responsibility for what happened. Ukyo can't take care of our child by herself, so I have to be there for both of them, no matter what."  
  
He started walking away, but stopped and looked at Akane. "Being alone... being without the one you love... it's an agony. It's an agony I don't want you to experience. You have to find him, Akane."  
  
And without another word, he left, finally leaving Akane behind.  
  
*****  
  
By the time Akane returned home, the sun was low in the sky.  
  
Nabiki was quite surprised by how peaceful Akane looked when she caught sight of her little sister. Something had definitely happened.  
  
"Nice to see you home, Akane," she said. "We were starting to get a little worried about you."  
  
"I'm sorry for being out so long, but I was... thinking." Akane stepped past her sister. "I'm not staying long either, I just have to pack a few things, then I'm leaving again."  
  
"Going on a little trip?" Nabiki asked as she followed Akane to her room. Could it be...  
  
"Yes," Akane said simply, a slight smile on her face.  
  
It was! She was finally going after him. "Don't take too long," Nabiki said. Good for you Akane.  
  
"I've taken too long already," Akane replied as she dug her backpack out of her closet. "Nabiki?"  
  
"Yes Akane?"  
  
"How much did you charge Mr. Saotome?"  
  
Nabiki smiled. Somehow this didn't surprise her. "Five thousand yen for setting things up," she said. "Another three thousand for lying to the police, and forty eight hundred for the medical supplies. Mr. Saotome stole the car himself."  
  
"Medical supplies?"  
  
"An IV needle and bag," Nabiki elaborated. "Where did you think the blood spatter came from?"  
  
"Why, Nabiki?"  
  
For the briefest of moments Nabiki couldn't help but picture their long dead mother in her mind. "Close to thirteen thousand yen is a pretty good day's work, Akane," she said. That's all, profit. And damn you to hell for asking.  
  
"Doesn't anything but money matter to you at all?" Akane asked.  
  
"You'd be surprised, Akane," Nabiki replied. "But a girl's got to make her way in the world."  
  
"You're shameless, Nabiki," Akane said indignantly. "I suppose that's why you're marrying Kuno, too."  
  
Downstairs, the front door slid open and shut, but neither girl paid it much heed.  
  
"Well, I will admit that I wasn't exactly wooed by his charming personality," Nabiki said with a smile.  
  
"I can't believe you!"  
  
In spite of herself, Nabiki had a warm feeling about being the target of Akane's anger. This was the sister she had grown up with! "Aren't you in a hurry or something?" she pointed out. "You don't want to keep him waiting."  
  
"He can wait as long as I want him to!" Akane snapped. "He's kept me waiting long enough..."  
  
Downstairs there was the sound of an awful, almost... celebratory?... commotion. "What is going on down there?" Akane wanted to know. She stomped out of the room, dragging her backpack along without even really realizing it.  
  
Nabiki, in the meanwhile, got a feeling...  
  
"You have got to be kidding me," she said. "It can't be that easy." Almost nervously, she glanced at the ceiling, as though she expected the heavens to strike her with a lightning bolt (again).  
  
Just this once, though, no lighting bolt came.  
  
*****  
  
Akane stopped dead in her tracks when she reached the top of the stairs, her heart pounding and all words she might have said torn from her throat as she caught sight of who awaited her at the bottom.  
  
Ranma.  
  
"Mr. Tendo," he pleaded, having not yet seen Akane, "watch the arm, okay?"  
  
Akane's father had Ranma in a tearful embrace as Nodoka, Kasumi, and Happosai stood by smiling happily. "I'm so happy you've finally come back, son!" Soun cried. "After so long with no word, we had all but given up hope!"  
  
"Ow ow ow!" Ranma cried as his left arm (which Akane quickly realized was in a sling) was pinned to his body by Soun's titanic hug. "What do ya mean no word?" he protested. "Didn't the old freak give you my message?"  
  
Happosai snapped his fingers. "I just knew there was something I forgot to do," he said. "Better late than never I suppose. Ranma called and wanted everyone to know that he'd be coming home after he took care of something. He didn't know how long it would be."  
  
"That was almost three weeks ago you stupid old fossil!" Ranma snapped as he swung at Happosai with his good arm. The ancient master deftly evaded the blow.  
  
Akane tried to process what she had heard. Almost three weeks ago? He called right after he left? But that meant... that meant Ranma had been planning to come back all along!  
  
"Sounds like your fiance just needed some time to sort things out," Nabiki said as she stepped up next to her sister. "Considering the way everything just got dropped on him at once, I suppose I can't blame him about getting cold feet and needing some time alone."  
  
Several different conflicting feelings were at war in Akane's heart, but all were quickly subdued in an instant by one old, familiar friend. "That jerk!" she snapped as her anger got up. She flung her pack at Ranma, smacking him in the head.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma complained as he caught sight of who had thrown the pack. "What was that for?"  
  
"You pathetic little weasel!" Akane shouted. "Disappearing for nearly three weeks and making me wonder what was wrong with me! If you had problems then why didn't you just tell me!?"  
  
"Like you ever listen!" Ranma snapped back. "'specially when you're too busy climbin all over me!"  
  
"How DARE you!" Akane shouted back. "What was so important anyway that you had to stay away so long!?"  
  
"Now now," Soun tried to soothe, "everything's okay now. Ranma's come home and the wedding can proceed."  
  
"FORGET IT!" Akane shouted. She turned and stomped back to her room, closing the door with a resounding slam, then dropping onto her bed. When she looked up to the ceiling, there were tears in her eyes.  
  
Tears of joy.  
  
"He's home," she said to herself. "He's come back to me."  
  
She realized what she was saying, how quickly her anger had vaporized, and chuckled to herself.  
  
"I'm such a fool," she said to herself with a smile. "He's been back for two minutes and already I'm ready to forgive him and take the stupid jerk back. I should have my head examined."  
  
But then, maybe that was the trick. Maybe that was the secret of love.  
  
Madness?  
  
Well... maybe not quite that, but something not too dissimilar.  
  
She didn't know where this would lead, or if it could last, but she didn't care. After what Ryoga had said to her earlier, she'd begun to realize something. She never would know where her life would take her, if it would lead her and Ranma into a life together or finally break them apart. Destiny, if it existed, would be forever hidden to her, but in the end it didn't matter.  
  
All that really mattered was what she felt now, in her heart. As Kasumi had said, if it was important enough to them, a couple could work out anything.  
  
And it was important enough to her. She could only hope it was important enough to Ranma.  
  
*****  
  
"Uncute as ever," Ranma said as he watched Akane storm off.  
  
God he'd missed her.  
  
He didn't know what would happen now. He didn't know if Akane could forgive him for skipping out on their wedding, or if they would ever have what they once had. But he'd learned something in his time away. That didn't matter one damn bit.  
  
All that mattered was how important she was to him. Whatever happened from here on, he'd never leave her, never again. He'd face whatever came, her rage or her love, and stay by her side.  
  
The alternative, he had learned, was too terrible to contemplate.  
  
"So Ranma," Nabiki said as she came down the stairs, "just what happened to your arm?"  
  
Ranma looked down to his arm, wrapped in a cast and suspended in a sling. Three fractures in his forearm, courtesy of a dragon. It brought back an especially painful memory that he wished he could permanently erase. "I... umm... I don't wanna talk about it."  
  
Looking down, he caught sight of the object Akane had thrown at him. Her backpack?  
  
Nabiki apparently caught on to Ranma's unspoken question. "She was packing to go look for you when you came home," she said with a grin.  
  
"She was going to look for me?" Ranma repeated in wonder. Did that mean...  
  
He shook his head. That could wait. "So, did anything happen while I was gone?"  
  
Nabiki's smile grew downright mischievous. "Let's see, where do I begin?"  
  
*****  
  
Meanwhile danger, as in horned, tentacled, super strong, winged danger, approached.  
  
But we'll get to that later.  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
*****  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1) Awe, ain't that sweet how Ranma and Akane both decided that their love was more important than any fear of the future? Riiiiight. Like I'd ever make it that easy for them. Words ain't actions, that's all I gotta say. Their war isn't over yet (heck, it's got at least one more chapter in it).  
  
2) So much of that suffering and tragedy of the last two chapters caused largely by a guy forgetting to deliver a phone message. There's a lesson here folks. WRITE DOWN YOUR PHONE MESSAGES! You never know when a phone call might keep a man from faking his death.  
  
3) Yep, Genma faked his death. More detail about that are coming up in a later chapter.  
  
4) Originally (or at least as of revision six of this chapter) I had intended to include in excruciating detail exactly what had caused Ranma to be away so long, broke his arm, and brought about his epiphany regarding Akane. However, after careful consideration (actually while relaxing on my break at work), I realized that if I included those sections, it might very well give away pretty much all of my plans for the new final chapter (which is a long way away), and I just plain couldn't have that. So, SUFFER MORTALS!  
  
5) By the way, Couple's Therapy is returning to its roots. Those of you who have long suffered under the heavy drama content since Case 6 will be happy to know that the humor is on its way back. I expect the next eight or so chapters to be Couple's Therapy in the classic style. A little dark, a little dirty, and hopefully funny as hell (though I'll settle for mildly amusing).  
  
Those of you who prefer the heavy drama to my peculiar brand of humor, well... I guess you'll have to wait a while.  
  
5) Quaker Joe's thought for the day: Love is a socially accepted form of mental illness. 


	11. Wars of The Heart Part One: Hunting Part...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
NonStandard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to real people, living, dead, or wrastling crocks, is entirely coincidental. No, really.  
  
Few kittens were harmed during the writing of this chapter.  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 9: Various, OR Wars of the Heart  
  
Part One: Hunting Parties, Poisonous Spiders, And First Kisses  
  
--------------------  
  
"So..." Akane asked nervously, "where did you go?"  
  
Ranma stopped walking, surprised.  
  
He and Akane hadn't said anything to each other since their rather botched reunion last night. Not for lack of wanting too, though. Ranma had wanted to talk to Akane, to tell her how sorry he was for everything, but...  
  
But Akane hadn't really seemed interested in talking. She'd stormed off angry to her room shortly after he had gotten home, staying there for the rest of the night. This morning at breakfast, and for most of their walk to school, silence had reigned.  
  
Until now.  
  
"Well, Ranma?" Akane asked again, perhaps a little agitated at his lack of a response.  
  
Whoops! She's still waiting for an answer. "I... ummm, I went up to Ryugenzawa," Ranma said.  
  
"Ryugenzawa?" Akane repeated, confused.  
  
"Yeah," Ranma said. "I... well... I needed to think about some things."  
  
"I see," Akane said, her tone unreadable. After a moment's pause, she started walking again.  
  
What was she thinking, Ranma wondered. Does she hate me now?  
  
He could say something to her. He should say something to her. But what? Nothing he could think of would come out right. That was always the problem, every time he tried to say something it always came out wrong.  
  
What to do? What to say?  
  
"I'm sorry Ranma," Akane said.  
  
Ranma stopped once again, stunned.  
  
"I guess I just got carried away," Akane continued. "I got caught up in... well... everything. I shouldn't have... well..."  
  
Akane was apologizing to HIM? "Are you feeling all right Akane?" he asked incredulously.  
  
In retrospect that might not have been the best thing to say.  
  
"Excuse me?" Akane asked, a hint of displeasure in her voice. "Just what do you mean by that, Ranma?"  
  
"What d'ya mean what do I mean?" Ranma barked. "I'm the one who should be apologizin here!"  
  
"It was my fault, Ranma!" Akane snapped back. "I should have known you'd be too spineless to get married!"  
  
"Who're you callin spineless!" Ranma demanded.  
  
"You, you coward!" Akane hollered back.  
  
"Tomboy!"  
  
"Pervert!"  
  
"That's a good one comin from you!"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"  
  
"YOU HEARD ME!"  
  
For a moment they just glared at each other.  
  
Then, before he even realized what was happening, Ranma had grabbed Akane with his good arm and pulled her to him. Akane eagerly embraced him as their lips met in a passionate kiss.  
  
They abruptly broke their kiss, each trying to figure out what had just happened and ready to yell at the other for kissing them like that. Instead, they kissed again. And again, letting the passion of the moment take hold of them this time.  
  
It is likely they would have carried on like this for some time had not someone else decided to intervene.  
  
"UNHAND HIM YOU WICKED WICKED GIRL!"  
  
Ranma and Akane broke from their embrace at the sound of that familiar and wholly unwanted voice.  
  
Kodachi Kuno burned with anger as she stepped out from an alley. "Harridan, temptress, despoiler," she uttered in a low hiss like one pissed off cobra, "for this transgression there can be no forgiveness."  
  
"Now now, Kodachi," her companion said as he too emerged from the alley. "We had an agreement."  
  
Kodachi AND Pantyhose Taro? "This is just what I needed," Ranma grumbled sarcastically. "Right when it was getting good too."  
  
"This... COCKROACH... will pay for what she has done!" Kodachi declared.  
  
"In due time, my dear," Taro said, taking a liquid filled balloon from behind his back. "But first thing's first!"  
  
He threw the balloon at Ranma, and Ranma dodged it with ease. The balloon burst against the sidewalk.  
  
"A water balloon?" Ranma scoffed. "You're gonna have to do better than that to get me, Pantyhose."  
  
A certain well known old woman chose this moment to splash Ranma as she went about her daily cleaning.  
  
"Is that so, cross dresser?" Taro said as Ranma was doused. He turned to Kodachi. "See my dear? It is just as I told you."  
  
Kodachi scoffed. "My dear Taro," she said, "Why must you persist in this silly lie?"  
  
Taro looked back, and his eyes widened with shock. "WHAT! How can this be!?"  
  
Ranma stood with a grin on his (yeah, HIS) face. "What's the matter, Pantyhose?" he mocked, "expectin a girl?"  
  
Taro's shock quickly changed to a defiant grin, however. "It would have been better for you if you did change," he said. "Oh well, I was kind of hoping it would come to this."  
  
He drew another water balloon from behind his back and broke it over his own head.  
  
As Taro changed from a young man to a giant horned collection of scary animals, Ranma knew he was in trouble. Normally he had a fairly good chance fighting Taro in his jusenkyo form. But now... he wasn't in top form. Actually, he was downright hurt. His recent battle with a dragon had done more to him than just break his arm. He didn't have the strength for this right now.  
  
Best plan for a quick exit. He looked to Akane, ready to tell her to get ready to run...  
  
...and felt a tremor of fear when he saw her. Akane glowed bright blue with anger. Somehow, something had just made Akane mad.  
  
"Ranma..." she uttered, low and angry, "...YOU JERK!"  
  
She cut loose with a blast of crackling black energy (thankfully not aimed at Ranma). The blast struck Taro square in the chest and tossed him out of the fight.  
  
Ranma felt a feeling of relief. One which was quickly lost when Akane, still VERY angry, grabbed him by the shirt and pinned him to the fence bordering the canal.  
  
"YOU SKIPPED OUT ON OUR WEDDING TO GO TO JUSENKYO, DIDN'T YOU!" Akane demanded. "YOU PIG!"  
  
"Wait, Akane," Ranma pleaded, "it ain't like that!"  
  
Akane dropped him to the ground with a resounding slap to the face.  
  
"Save it, Ranma," Akane snapped bitterly. "I don't want to hear it."  
  
"Now hurry up," she added as she started walking again, "or we're going to be late."  
  
Ranma got back to his feet and shook his head.  
  
"Would it kill her to listen to me at least once before she hits me?" he complained. "Uncute as ever."  
  
*****  
  
Of course, both Ranma and Akane had forgotten about Kodachi, who had skulked away to a safe hiding place the instant Akane started whipping out energy blasts.  
  
"She has become formidable," she said. "I will have to be very careful about how I deal with this insect."  
  
She let away, cackling madly and leaving a trail of black rose petals in her wake.  
  
*****  
  
By the time Taro regained consciousness, he was alone. He got back to his feet, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. That Akane girl had never been able to pull stuff like that before.  
  
A passerby caught sight of him and screamed. He growled at her to scare her off.  
  
What to do? If Akane sticks with the cross dresser (and from the way the two had been practically making out before, the odds of that were pretty good) then Taro didn't have much of a chance of getting close to him. Damn her interference!  
  
The decision became obvious. Before he could go after Ranma, he would have to deal with Akane.  
  
He smiled a grim smile. So Kodachi would get what she wanted. But afterwards... once Akane and her super powers were out of the way...  
  
The cross dresser would be next!  
  
*****  
  
The air was thick with the sound of gossip as Ranma and Akane arrived at school.  
  
"They've been gone for nearly two months."  
  
"You think they've been going at it the whole time?"  
  
"Hey, Saotome's arm's in a cast! I guess Akane likes the rough stuff!"  
  
"You think they ever try girl-girl?"  
  
"Well, I heard Saotome disappeared for a while to have a tryst with his Chinese girlfriend."  
  
"But he's still with Akane? I wonder if she..."  
  
"Is it too late to transfer to another school?" Ranma asked Akane, his face burning crimson.  
  
He'd meant it as sort of a joke, but Akane didn't seem the least bit amused. "So just where did you go, Ranma?" she asked as they walked through the gossiping crowds.  
  
Ranma couldn't help but feel a little nervous. "I told you already. I went up to Ryugenzawa to think."  
  
Akane snagged a fire bucket which just happened to be nearby and doused Ranma. "Care to try again?" she asked after Ranma didn't change into a girl.  
  
"Well, umm..."  
  
"I'm waiting," Akane said menacingly.  
  
"Hold on Akane," Ranma said defensively. "I know what you're thinking. Look, I had some stuff to do in China and Jusenkyo was just on the way. It wasn't like I left just to get cured."  
  
"Just on the way, huh?" Akane asked, sounding rather unconvinced. "So what were you doing in China?"  
  
An unpleasant image flashed through Ranma's mind. "Well... y'know... stuff."  
  
"With Shampoo?" Akane asked suddenly.  
  
"Huh?" Where did that come from?  
  
"I know she went out to look for you," Akane said. "She wouldn't tell me what happened."  
  
Ranma thought for a moment, remembering one of the lines of gossip that he had heard a few moments ago. "Oh man Akane, you really think I'm that sort of guy?"  
  
Akane stopped walking and gave Ranma a hard stare. "I don't know, Ranma. Just what kind of guy are you?"  
  
"Nothin happened between me and Shampoo, okay?" Ranma protested. "People make stuff up all the time."  
  
"And I'm just supposed to take your word for it?" Akane demanded.  
  
"Why not?" Ranma snapped back. "Why is it so hard for you to have a little faith in me once in a while?"  
  
"Maybe it's because you're untrustworthy!"  
  
Ranma would have said something in response, but he was stopped by an undeniable feeling of danger. By reflex he grabbed Akane with his good arm and leapt away.  
  
"What are you doing!" Akane demanded.  
  
The small Mitsubishi that crashed into the ground where they were standing answered her question.  
  
"A monster!" some girl screamed, pointing up in the sky.  
  
Ranma looked up to see Taro's horned, tentacled form as the monster dove directly at him. Still pulling Akane along, he lept again, just narrowly avoiding a blow which cratered cement.  
  
Still Taro kept after them.  
  
Ranma landed hard from the next leap and felt pain shoot up his ankle (which wasn't in the best shape either). For a brief moment he was stalled, and that was all Taro needed.  
  
As the monster lunged towards him, Ranma knew he wouldn't be able to avoid it this time.  
  
Then a chiropractor landed on Taro's head, knocking him to the ground. Said chiropractor in the meanwhile ran off in terror, not even noticing that he had just run over someone.  
  
Taro got his arms under himself and began getting up, but was driven back into the pavement when Happosai, his two old friends Lukkosai and Chingensai, an Australian in shorts, and a cameraman bounced off his head in rapid succession, each running off in pursuit of the chiropractor.  
  
Kasumi paused as she came running past next, carrying what appeared to be a bolt action rifle.  
  
(Don't worry, Kasumi isn't going postal. It's only a tranquilizer rifle.)  
  
"Oh my," she said to Taro, "I'm terribly sorry."  
  
Then she moved on, hoping to catch up with the rest of the hunting party.  
  
"Was that... Doctor Tofu?" Akane asked, confused, stunned, and in general totally lost.  
  
"I think so," Ranma said, a little less lost than Akane. Nabiki had told him that there was something going on between Kasumi and Dr. Tofu. Though this was... "Who were those foreigners?"  
  
"I have no idea," Akane said.  
  
The school bells began ringing.  
  
"Oh great," Akane said. She began pulling Ranma along. "Lets go, we're going to be late!"  
  
Taro, meanwhile, lay on the pavement, generally forgotten.  
  
*****  
  
By lunchtime Hiroshi and Daisuke had cornered Ranma in a corner of the classroom.  
  
"Okay Saotome," Hiroshi said, "start talking."  
  
"'bout what?" Ranma asked, trying to sound innocent. He had a good idea what this was about, and frankly this wasn't exactly something he wanted to deal with.  
  
"You know what we mean," Daisuke said. "We know all about what you and Akane've been up to."  
  
"Whoa, hold on a second!" Ranma demanded, blushing furiously. "What me and Akane do ain't none of you business!"  
  
"So you admit something's been going on between you two!" Hiroshi pressed.  
  
"Hey, I never said nothin like that!"  
  
"Don't bother trying to deny it, Saotome," Daisuke said. "It's all over the school."  
  
"Yeah," Hiroshi said, his voice taking a disturbing tone, "and seeing as how we're your friends and all, we think you owe it to us to give us some details."  
  
"De...details..."  
  
A school bag struck him in the head.  
  
"Don't even think about it Ranma!"  
  
*****  
  
"Honestly," Akane said after she had recovered her school bag, "I can't believe him!"  
  
"I wasn't gonna say nothin, moron!" Ranma snapped at her. She ignored him as she sat back down to eat her lunch.  
  
What was with him? Ever since he'd gotten back it had just been one aggravation after another. This was not how she had wanted it.  
  
Even at her lowest points of depression during his absence, Akane had always held the dimmest of hopes that Ranma would return to her, that they would have the sort of reunion she'd read about in fantasy stories when she was younger.  
  
A tearful embrace, a kiss, and happily ever after.  
  
Instead, every time she had tried to get that, to make up, they'd only started fighting again. It was so frustrating!  
  
Of course, they did get the kiss at least...  
  
Akane blushed just a little bit when she thought about it. In a way she could still feel his kisses on her lips. Okay, they had kissed before, quite a lot lately, but this was... different somehow. It was like it meant something more. More than all the nights they had spent in each other's arms.  
  
It was, she realized, their first kiss. Not the first time they had kissed, THEIR first kiss. It wasn't Ranma kissing her because she goaded him into it, or her kissing him because she wanted him (no matter how he felt). They kissed each other, because it was what they both wanted.  
  
It might not seem like much of a distinction to some, but thinking about it in those terms made Akane feel a little light headed.  
  
Maybe she'd been a little too hard on him today, she decided. Though it frustrated her to no end that Ranma wouldn't tell her where he had gone or what he had been doing, it didn't change the fact that he had come back, that he was always planning to come back.  
  
She glanced over to see that Ranma was still being hounded by Hiroshi and Daisuke (and that most of the rest of the class had gathered around just in case Ranma let some juicy detail slip).  
  
She was surprised to see him wince a little when he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and it occurred to her that he had foregone his usual workout this morning. He... he must have gone through something terrible if he was still hurting now.  
  
Just what had happened to him?  
  
*****  
  
Stealthfully, Kodachi slipped into the deserted girls locker room, quickly locating the locker of Akane Tendo.  
  
"That witch!", she hissed, "Taking advantage of my absence to work her evil spell over my darling Ranma." She quickly popped the lock on the door and opened the locker.  
  
She slipped a small box under Akane's gym shirt and opened it, lightly coaxing the tiny occupant of the box out to a new hiding place under the collar.  
  
"This should take care of her interfering, once and for all," she said, closing the locker.  
  
She began to cackle madly as she made her escape, twirling her ribbon and scattering black rose petals behind her.  
  
*****  
  
"Who made this mess?" Yuka wondered as she changed for gym class. There were black rose petals everywhere.  
  
Akane was still lost in thought, questions about what Ranma had been doing while he was away running through her mind along with inane thoughts about what she still thought of as their first kiss. So lost, in fact, that not only did she not hear Yuka's question, she didn't even really notice the black rose petals.  
  
If she had, she might have been a little bit more careful when she pulled out her gym shirt. As it was she didn't even notice the tiny black creature with a splash of red on its belly that had claimed her shirt as its own and stood ready to defend its newfound lair.  
  
"Ow!" she uttered when she felt a sharp stab in her hand, which caused her to drop her shirt.  
  
"What's wrong Akane?" Sayuri asked, looking over.  
  
"Something just bit me," Akane said. She looked down at her hand, feeling the pain intensify and spread.  
  
The creature skittered across the floor.  
  
"AHH!" Yuka cried, "A SPIDER!"  
  
The locker room was filled with the panicked screams of girls as the spider ran for cover and safety.  
  
Akane was meanwhile dizzy due to the intense pain the spider's neurotoxin was inflicting upon her. She fell to her knees, her breaths coming in labored gasps.  
  
"Akane?" There was clearly concern in Sayuri's voice, "are you all right?"  
  
"I... I can't..." Akane gasped, "I can't breathe..."  
  
Then she collapsed.  
  
"Akane!"  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
*****  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1) Yes, I know poisonous spiders aren't Kodachi's normal MO, but I just thought I'd do something special for one of my faithful readers.  
  
(call me Joey-bear will she... Kitten, you are getting SO many spiders for Valentine's Day...)  
  
2) The effects of the spider's toxin (and it is a neurotoxin) were drawn from two seperate sources, however neither was particularly detailed and gave no information on the speed of toxin. It could very well be that it wouldn't have affected Akane that quickly (or that severely, though it can be life threatening), though I hope nobody will hold it against me.  
  
3) As should be readily apparent, I haven't forgotten about Kasumi and Tofu. However, I do believe I will be folding the remaining portions of the Iminent Coitus storyline into this one. This promises to make this particular set of chapters pretty chaotic (seeing as how I've got them, Kodachi/Taro, Ranma/Akane, plus the lead in to the revisits of Ryoga/Ukyo and Nabiki/Kuno to cover... yup this is going to be a mess). Hope you can keep up!  
  
4) Yes, I had to cure Ranma. It's kinda important for some planned parts of the story.  
  
5) And a final note: With how well(?) things are going between Ranma and Akane, some of you might be wondering about Gendo's little prediction back in 7-3. Rest assured that it will come to pass. Shampoo will have her pigtailed boy, it won't be Mousse with a new hairdo (The Shampoo/Mousse pairing is complete), and there will be a girl in the grave before it happens.  
  
On that happy thought, see you next time! 


	12. Wars of The Heart Part Two: Dr StrangeAx...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
-------------------- NonStandard Issue Disclaimer:  
  
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!  
  
All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to real people, living, dead, or wrastling crocks, is entirely coincidental. No, really.  
  
Few kittens were harmed during the writing of this chapter. --------------------  
  
CASE 9: Various, OR Wars of the Heart  
  
Part Two: Doctor Strangeaxe  
  
(or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Kasumi)  
  
--------------------  
  
"Doc, she's starting to wake up!"  
  
Akane stirred into wakefulness to find herself in a bed in the nurse's office.  
  
"Well," Dr Tofu asked as he looked over to her, "how are you feeling Akane?"  
  
Ranma sat by her bedside, holding her hand. He had a look of genuine fear in his eyes.  
  
Akane slowly sat up, feeling a slight wave of dizziness as she did, and glanced down at her hand, at his hand holding hers protectively, as though he was afraid she'd vanish if he let go. Then she looked up to Ranma.  
  
"My arm still hurts," she told Tofu, not really paying any attention to the doctor.  
  
"It'll probably keep hurting for a couple of days," Tofu said. "Any shortness of breath?"  
  
She looked into Ranma's eyes. "A little," she said softly.  
  
"I have a feeling that will be a problem for some time," Tofu said with a slight smile. He was obviously pleased to see these two getting along so well. "Well, the good news is that you are out of danger, but I'm going to have to insist that you take things easy for a few days so your system has a chance to get rid of the rest of the toxin."  
  
Akane finally looked away from Ranma. "What happened, Doctor?"  
  
Doctor Tofu walked over to the table and picked up a sealed jar, which he showed to Akane and Ranma.  
  
"This is a rare Japanese offshoot of the American Black Widow spider," Tofu explained, referring to the creature contained in the jar, "the Latrodectus Mactans Japanis Contrivicus."  
  
There was a weird crackling sound out in the hallway as someone who was listening in made a snide comment and was struck by lighting for it, but nobody in the room paid it any heed.  
  
"Somehow," Tofu continued, "this nasty little spider found its way into your locker."  
  
"Somehow indeed," Nabiki said as she came in, coughing a little smoke on the way. Sasuke followed close behind her, but then he had been her semi- faithful follower since the engagement. "It must have blown in with all those black rose petals, right?"  
  
The implication of that was obvious. Kodachi must have put the spider in her locker specifically so she would get bitten by it. Akane felt Ranma's grip tighten ever so slightly, but he said nothing.  
  
"Ranma Saotome," Sasuke said as way of establishing a dramatic tenor, "I come bearing a message from mistress Kodachi! She desires your attendance on the roof of the school as soon as possible."  
  
"He'll do no such thing!" Akane snapped. This was unbelievable. To think that she would expect him to come running after...  
  
"Okay," Ranma said.  
  
"Ranma!" Akane exclaimed, fixing her fiance with an incredulous stare.  
  
She shuddered when she saw his eyes. The look in Ranma's eyes was... well, quite frankly it scared her.  
  
He gave her hand a squeeze before letting go. "I'll be right back," he said as he left the room.  
  
"Ranma, wait!" Akane called, but Ranma didn't stop.  
  
"That is not a happy guy," Nabiki pointed out.  
  
"You think so?" Sasuke asked. That idea had apparently not crossed his mind. "I wonder if delivering mistress Kodachi's message was a bad idea..."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about it," Nabiki said. "Why don't you get Akane and me something to drink?"  
  
"Yes, mistress Nabiki!" Sasuke bounded away.  
  
"What..." Akane said hesitantly, "What's Ranma going to do?"  
  
"How would I know?" Nabiki replied. "You know, he was worried sick about you. When he first heard what had happened he was sure you had died. When he got here, he wouldn't leave your side for anything."  
  
"Ranma was that worried about me?" Akane asked in wonder. "How long was I out?"  
  
"A few hours," Nabiki said. Her tone got a little more grave. "Kodachi's crossed a line here, Akane. Whatever happens now, she brought it upon herself."  
  
*****  
  
Damn her, damn that witch!  
  
Some part of Ranma's mind kept telling him that Akane was fine as he went up the stairs leading to the roof, that he needed to calm down, but he pushed it aside.  
  
It was too soon, too soon after he had seen that girl die...  
  
This was unforgivable.  
  
He kicked open the door to the roof. Kodachi was waiting for him, leaning against the rail around the roof's edge.  
  
"Ranma, darling," she said smugly. "I was so horrified to hear what happened to Akane..."  
  
Too fast for her to react, Ranma had covered the distance between them and wrapped a hand around her neck. He began to constrict his grip as he pushed her halfway over the rail.  
  
"If you ever come near Akane again," he said, his voice full of hate, "if you do anything to Akane, if I even think you did something, if she so much as gets a cold, I'll kill you."  
  
The only reply Kodachi could muster was a choked gurgle as she struggled for oxygen.  
  
For the briefest of moments Ranma seriously considered pushing her the rest of the way over, or continuing to close his grip until he felt her neck break. Instead, he let go of her neck and let her drop to the roof. With his message delivered in no uncertain terms, he walked away.  
  
*****  
  
Akane didn't know what it meant when Ranma came back with such a cheerful look on his face. She didn't dare ask what had happened between him and Kodachi, terrified at what his answer might be. The pure hate for Kodachi she had seen in his eyes...  
  
"So," Nabiki said casually, "is Kodachi still breathing?"  
  
Ranma's expression got a little more guarded. "We just talked, that's all. I told her that she couldn't be doin this stuff no more."  
  
"I doubt she'll listen," Nabiki said, "No matter how..." she paused as though searching for the proper word, "...convincing you were."  
  
Ranma shrugged. "I'll worry about that later," he said, then he looked over to Akane. "How are you feeling," he asked.  
  
Akane was still trying to figure out how she felt about this. On the one hand, she was alarmed by the... predatory anger? that Ranma had shown regarding Kodachi. On the other hand the thought that he was so worried about her was making her feel a little lightheaded.  
  
"I'm fine," she said finally. "I'm sorry I worried you so much."  
  
"Me, worried?" Ranma replied, trying his best to sidestep any such thought. "You've eaten your own cooking, right? It's got to be at least twice as toxic as any ole spider venom. If you can survive that..."  
  
Both concern and affection were quickly replaced in Akane's mind by anger. "I can't believe you!" she shouted as she threw a pillow at him. Ranma quickly retreated from the room as Akane grabbed the jar containing the Japanese black widow and took aim.  
  
"Umm... please don't throw the poisonous spider," Tofu requested gently.  
  
Akane set the jar back down, but she was still fuming. Would it kill him to be just a little nice once in a while?  
  
"He really was worried about you, Akane," Tofu said.  
  
Akane sighed, thinking back to when she woke up with him holding her hand protectively. "I know. I just wish he wasn't so frustrating all the time."  
  
"It's all that pride of his at work," Nabiki pointed out. "He doesn't want to show weakness, especially not to you."  
  
Akane thought about that for a moment. Ranma HAD stayed by her bedside the whole time she was unconscious. No matter how he acted now, he was worried about her. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that that was how he always was.  
  
Maybe she shouldn't take his words so seriously...  
  
"Why don't you head home Akane," Dr. Tofu suggested. "School's been over for a while now."  
  
Akane nodded and slowly got out of bed. When no wave of dizziness struck her, she figured she would be fine. "Thank you for staying, Doctor," she said. "I'm sure you have other things you want to be doing."  
  
"It... it was no problem, Akane," Tofu said, a strange tremor briefly appearing in his voice. "Now remember what I told you. Take it easy for a few days."  
  
"I will." She walked out of the office. Odly enough, she wasn't surprised to see Ranma waiting for her.  
  
She wasn't exactly displeased by it, either.  
  
"It was a joke, you know," he said.  
  
"I know, Ranma," Akane replied. Inexplicably, she found herself caught by a sudden feeling of daring. She leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I am sorry I worried you," she added when she pulled away and looked into his eyes.  
  
"That's... that's okay," Ranma said softly, almost as though he were in a daze.  
  
She felt him take her hand as they started walking. "I won't ever let anything happen to you," he said.  
  
Akane marveled at how easy it was. This is the same feeling she had been seeking before when they made love. This was the contentment, the peace. Was this really what she had been missing all this time? Was this the secret?  
  
Just stop worrying and love him?  
  
"I know that too."  
  
*****  
  
Doctor Tofu smiled to himself after Akane left. "It looks like they are finally starting to sort things out," he said. He'd always had something of a fatherly (or older brotherly) affection for Akane, and he'd hoped that things would work out between her and Ranma. They both deserved all the happiness they could get.  
  
"A thousand yen says they start fighting again before they get home," Nabiki said.  
  
Tofu chuckled. "I know better than to gamble against you, Nabiki," he said. More to the point, he knew Akane too well. Getting angry was part of her nature. No amount of romantic euphoria was going to change that.  
  
Actually, very little had really changed at all. He'd been watching Ranma and Akane's relationship grow and develop from the beginning, and he knew that even before that whole mess with the kontoraibansu powder they were as devoted to each other as any couple could be. The only difference now was that things were now somewhat out in the open.  
  
(that and they had discovered the physical aspects of human relationships)  
  
It wasn't quite wedding bells yet, and that was a good thing. He hadn't told Akane this (mostly because he'd been spending a great deal of time fleeing for his... erm... virtue, but also because he knew Akane would take it wrong) but Ranma had probably done the right thing ducking out on their wedding (though he could have handled it better). They were both far too young to have any idea what married life really meant. They were too far away from the adult world to be playing adult games.  
  
But then the same could be said about Nabiki, or could it?  
  
"And how is everything with you, Nabiki?" he asked. "I hear you've recently gotten engaged."  
  
"Yes," she said, "he's quite a catch."  
  
"I'm sure," Tofu said understandingly. He didn't know Nabiki's fiance that well, but he knew enough about him to know that when she called him a catch she probably wasn't referring to his personality. Somehow he'd always imagined Nabiki would end up like this. Oh well, whatever makes a person happy.  
  
"Well doctor," Nabiki said, "I must be going."  
  
"I need to get going too," Tofu said, grabbing the jar containing the spider. "I'll walk with you."  
  
They left the nurse's office together, and Tofu's first warning of the danger he was now in was the tranquilizer dart that embedded itself in the doorjamb behind him.  
  
"And there it is," an Australian said into the camera carried by his cameraman, "the elusive Axe of the East Wind. Let's see if we can bring him down without too much effort."  
  
Next to the Australian, Kasumi worked the bolt on her tranq rifle.  
  
Now instantly in panic mode (Kasumi wants to.. to... to...) Tofu looked to the other side of the hall, searching for an escape rout.  
  
"No way out this time," Happosai said as he, Chingensai, and Lukkosai closed in from that direction. "Just give up and take the blessed gift you've been offered."  
  
Kasumi took aim and fired.  
  
Entirely on instinct, Tofu batted aside the tranq dart, knocking it into the neck of the cameraman. He then charged the Australian, flashing past him in an instant.  
  
"Krikey!" the Australian uttered, having been paralyzed by a flurry of blows to his pressure points.  
  
Tofu didn't wait to see the results of his work. He just kept running.  
  
*****  
  
Kasumi worked the bolt on her rifle again and launched another dart at the fleeing doctor. Unfortunately she missed yet again.  
  
Nabiki, meanwhile, tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.  
  
Okay, she'd known that something was going on between Kasumi and Doctor Tofu. Kasumi had told her that she was having trouble sleeping and that Doctor Tofu was going to help her. But this?  
  
"Oh dear," Kasumi said in her normal unflappable tone, "it seems that he has gotten away again."  
  
Her knuckles were white as she gripped the rifle in her hands.  
  
Nabiki started to wonder how much of that cheerfulness was feigned.  
  
"I suppose we will just have to keep after him," Kasumi said. She and the remaining members of her hunting party started off in pursuit.  
  
Nabiki watched them go, running the events she had just witnessed through her mind.  
  
Sasuke returned carrying two cans of soda.  
  
"Mistress Nabiki," he called, "I have the drinks you requested." He stopped to stare surprised at the paralyzed Aussie and the unconscious cameraman. "What on earth happened here?"  
  
"I think this might be my older sister's way of telling everyone that she needs a break from being the homemaker," Nabiki said. "The drinks are yours Sasuke, now you run along. I have some things to think about."  
  
"Yes, mistress Nabiki!" Sasuke said, surprised and pleased to be the subject of such generosity. "Thank you!"  
  
He departed in a flash through an air duct, and Nabiki decided it was time to leave, scheming and planning as she left the Aussie and his cameraman to sort themselves out.  
  
Things were getting a little complex, and Nabiki had a feeling that she had a lot of work ahead of her.  
  
*****  
  
The hunting party searched the halls of Furinkan high for another ten minutes before deciding that they had lost Tofu yet again.  
  
"I suppose I should go home and start dinner for everybody," Kasumi said. Though her voice was pretty much the same as always, there was, just below the surface, something else. Was it... frustration? "I guess we will have to put this off for now."  
  
Happosai nodded in agreement. But then, he had his own reasons for that. What would be said here shortly was not for her ears.  
  
"Me and the boys will be staying out here for a while," he told her. "Don't worry about us. We'll pick up something on the way home."  
  
Kasumi nodded her understanding. "All right then," she said. Then she departed.  
  
Once she was well away, Happosai nodded to Chingensai. The bearded member of the trinity of absolute evil almost casually walked over to the window and slid it open. He then hopped up to the edge, reached over, and pulled Tofu into the hall.  
  
Happosai smiled a smile of satisfaction. He'd been sure that Tofu couldn't have gone far.  
  
"You didn't think you could hide forever," Lukkosai said, "did you?"  
  
Tofu looked around fearfully. "Where's Kasumi."  
  
"She went home," Happosai said. "I think we need to have a long talk."  
  
"A long talk," Tofu repeated. He calmed down considerably once it was apparent that Kasumi wasn't around. "You're not going to convince me to... to..."  
  
"My boy," Happosai said, "I would never dream of trying to force you to do something you don't want to do."  
  
"But what about the tranquilizer rifle and the Australian?" Tofu asked.  
  
"The rifle was Kasumi's idea," Happosai said. "As for the Australian, he owed me a favor, since I introduced him to his wife. Anyhow, to the business at hand..."  
  
Tofu waited while Happosai gathered his thoughts. Then the ancient master of the Anything Goes School started speaking.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" he demanded. "A beautiful girl who you've been obsessed with for years says she wants to use you as her dirty little scratching post and you run away! What is going on in that skull of yours!"  
  
Tofu didn't respond. There just wasn't any way for him to be able to discuss this particular topic in anything resembling a coherent manner.  
  
"That hot little number is raring to go," Chingensai said. "I just don't see what the problem is."  
  
"But this isn't how I wanted it..." Tofu said quietly.  
  
Happosai rolled his eyes in frustration. "Oh don't pull that sad little hopeless romantic crap with me," he said. "You and Akane both need to learn to take what you can get. So what if things between you and Kasumi didn't go all hearts and flowers? Are you going to blow your chance now just because you didn't get your fairy tale romance?"  
  
"Your missing the point," Tofu said, his voice a bit more resolute. "She... she doesn't want ME. She just wants me to... to..."  
  
"AND WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT!" Lukkosai snapped angrily. "ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING!"  
  
"This isn't right I tell you!" Tofu shouted back.  
  
Chingensai tried to calm Lukkosai down while Happosai concentrated on Tofu.  
  
"My friend," he said, "think long and hard about this. You love Kasumi, right?"  
  
Tofu hesitated, but eventually he nodded.  
  
"You don't want her to suffer, do you?"  
  
Another nod.  
  
"There is nothing more terrible in this world than sleep deprivation!" Happosai declared. Yes, this was definitely the way to go. "Right now that poor girl is suffering more than you can imagine. It is your duty as a doctor to do whatever you have to, as often as you have to, in as many positions as you have to, for the good of your patient! My god man! Think about your Hypocritic oath! This isn't about a man taking advantage of a pure maiden, this is about your duty as a man of medicine!"  
  
"My duty as a... man of medicine?" Tofu repeated thoughtfully. "But, that isn't..."  
  
"That's right," Happosai said, "a man of medicine. This is what you've trained for all those years!"  
  
"But... but..." Tofu sputtered.  
  
"Never mind the meaningless moral implications!" Happosai continued as Chingensai pulled out an instrument and started playing the National Anthem. "The very future of Japan is built on young men and women doing WHATEVER must be done in the name of a good night's sleep!"  
  
"The very future of Japan," Tofu said in wonder. You could tell that he was starting to warm to this line of thought.  
  
"So get in there and do your duty, for your oath, for Hippocrates, indeed for the good of your nation!"  
  
"My duty," Tofu repeated. One could almost see the spine developing in him. "For my nation..."  
  
"For the glory of Japan, man," Lukkosai prodded, "for the glory of Japan!"  
  
"By god you're right!" Tofu declared excitedly. "For the good of the nation, for the children! My god man, for the children!"  
  
"We can't forget the children!" Happosai agreed.  
  
"For everyone...!" Tofu cried.  
  
"And because you aren't going to get any any other way!" Lukkosai added.  
  
"Yeah... erm... And because the nation depends on it!" Tofu declared, "I will follow through! I will surge ahead! I will hunker down, press onward, I will be a man! I will be Kasumi's man!"  
  
"Then lets go!" Happosai cried. He and Tofu marched off to their destiny.  
  
"It's like I always say," Chingensai said as he watched the pair depart and lit up his pipe, "Everyone's a pervert, it's just that some of us need a half-assed excuse."  
  
*****  
  
"There's no way around it," Nabiki said. "Kasumi's loosing it."  
  
The residents of the Tendo house (sans Kasumi and Happosai) were gathered for a meeting. Ranma and Akane were making a big effort of not talking to each other, having gotten into another fight before they even got home. Soun was trying to wave off concerns that his eldest daughter was starting to go batty.  
  
Nodoka was still grieving for her dear departed husband.  
  
"Nabiki, you're exaggerating," Soun said. "Kasumi has always been solid and stable."  
  
"I know what I saw," Nabiki said. "What part of stable is running around a high school with a tranquilizer rifle and a gang of perverts?"  
  
"Well..." Soun thought long and hard about that. "I suppose that's just one of those things..."  
  
"Kasumi has been so good to all of us all these years," Akane pointed out. She'd seen much the same thing as Nabiki, and when she wasn't caught up in her rather stormy relationship with Ranma, she was just as concerned. "Maybe we could help her out more. I could help her cook..."  
  
"I thought you said you wanted to help," Ranma said. Akane harumphed.  
  
The front door slid open, and Kasumi announced her return. She entered the main room, leaving her tranquilizer rifle leaning against the wall.  
  
"My my," she said sweetly, "what is everybody doing in here looking so serious?"  
  
Nobody spoke for a moment, unwilling to really say that they were talking about her apparent breakdown.  
  
Nodoka was the one who finally spoke up.  
  
"Kasumi," she said. "I wonder if I might ask you something."  
  
"How can I be of help, Mrs. Saotome?" Kasumi asked as she sat down at the table.  
  
"I was wondering if you would mind if I started taking care of the housekeeping from here on," Nodoka said. "You have all been so good to me, my son, and my dear departed husband..."  
  
Ranma looked like he had something to say about that last part, but an elbow in the gut from Akane kept him quiet.  
  
"...I have begun to think of all of you as family," Nodoka continued, "and I want to do something to be helpful for you all. Would you allow me this honor?"  
  
Kasumi said nothing for a moment, a blank look on her face. Everyone else was briefly surprised at Nodoka's request, but they quickly started wondering why it hadn't happened sooner.  
  
Nobody knew what would happen next. Being the homemaker had been the sum total of Kasumi's existence for over a decade, and she was, quite frankly, a complex individual. It was entirely possible that she considered the household (and the care thereof) as her sacred domain, and she might react poorly to any efforts to take that domain from her.  
  
On the other hand, she might react with the same politeness to which she reacted to everything. She might just be as saccharine as she seemed.  
  
Either way, this would likely be hard for her.  
  
Or not...  
  
"I'M OUT CLEAN!" Kasumi shot to her feet, ripping her apron off with one fluid motion, then twirling it around above her head triumphantly before tossing it aside. "NO MORE VACUUMING! NO MORE COOKING! NO MORE LAUNDRY! I CAN FINALY HAVE A GODDAMN LIFE NOW!"  
  
Suffice it to say, everyone (except possibly Nabiki) was stunned by Kasumi's outburst.  
  
Kasumi suddenly realized what she was doing and sat back down, blushing ever so slightly. "Oh my, I'm sorry."  
  
Silence reigned for a long moment. Nobody was sure exactly how they were supposed to respond.  
  
Fortunately Happosai bounded happily into the room.  
  
"Oh Kasumi," he said, "you've got someone here to see you."  
  
*****  
  
Calm, Tofu told himself as he nervously waited outside the Tendo house. Casual. You're a doctor here to treat a patient, that's all. This is purely professional, no ulterior motives, really.  
  
Kasumi stepped through the door.  
  
"Why hello Dr Tofu," she said. "It is so nice to see you."  
  
"You... you... you too Ka... Kasumi..." Tofu stuttered.  
  
"What can I do for you?" Kasumi asked.  
  
"Well... it... it's ab... about your... troub... trouble... sleeping," Tofu managed. "I'd... that is... I'd be... willing to... help... help you treat... treat it, if... if you are still... inter... interested."  
  
For a moment Kasumi said nothing, giving Tofu little more than a blank stare.  
  
"Oh dear," she finally said. "That won't be necessary Doctor."  
  
Tofu was struck dumb.  
  
"You see, Mrs. Saotome has graciously offered to take over the housekeeping duties," Kasumi explained, "This means that I can sleep in from now on. I do appreciate your offer to help, however." She smiled brightly. "I'm afraid that it will be time to start dinner soon. You are welcomed to join us if you would like."  
  
Still in a daze, Tofu shook his head slightly.  
  
Kasumi went back into the house. Happosai in the meanwhile popped up next to Tofu.  
  
"That could have gone better," he said, puffing on his pipe.  
  
Tofu finally found his voice. "You're... fucking... KIDDING ME!"  
  
"Kasumi's certainly a tough one to figure out," Happosai said. "I don't know if she's lost in her own little world or if she's playing us all for suckers."  
  
"Does she really think I'm done?" Tofu suddenly said, his voice low, menacing, different. "She's wrong. I haven't begun. She won't shut me out this easy."  
  
"You hear me Kasumi!?" he cried at the door to the house. "THIS ISN'T OVER!"  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED! 


	13. Wars of The Heart Part Three: The Others

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
All non original concepts are not mine to do with as I please. they belongs to their respective owners. Please don't sue me!  
  
This one might get a little weird in spots. I really shouldn't try typing at three or four a.m.!  
  
--------------------  
  
CASE 9: Various, OR Wars of the Heart  
  
Part Three: The Others  
  
--------------------  
  
And the evening and the morning were the second day.  
  
(or something like that)  
  
Furinkan high school was once again abuzz with gossip as Ukyo entered the grounds.  
  
Ranma had returned to Furinkan yesterday, and, suffice it to say things were eventful. As she heard the gossip about monsters, flying mitsubishis, and poisonous spiders, Ukyo almost regretted missing it, having had a doctor's appointment.  
  
She felt resistance on the chain she held in her hand, and she tugged on it in frustration. "Move it, pig slave," she said. "You're not making me late for class."  
  
"Yes Ukyo," Ryoga said, feeling uncomfortable and shamed with the heavy metal collar Ukyo had fastened to his neck, not to mention the leash he was now on. "Are you sure this is necessary?"  
  
"Stop asking stupid questions," Ukyo said sharply. She'd come up with the leash after Ryoga had managed to disappear for a full day. The pig boy wasn't going to get away that easily. If it shamed and humiliated him to be on a leash in public like a dog, all the better. It was only what he deserved for what he did to her...  
  
Besides, it wasn't like she could leave him home. Konatsu, her crossdressing ninja waiter, didn't exactly get along with Ryoga all that well since the engagement. If Ukyo left the pig boy home, she might come home one day and find him dead in the trash. She couldn't have that, oh no...  
  
She wasn't done making him suffer.  
  
"What are those things?" Ryoga said, pointing at one of the trees.  
  
Ukyo looked and saw what Ryoga meant. There was a small straw doll complete with a little pigtail nailed to the tree.  
  
Actually, to every tree.  
  
"I guess Gosunkugi knows what's going on," Ukyo said. "I wonder what he's going to do about it."  
  
The first bell rang. "Well, let's go, pig boy," Ukyo said, tugging Ryoga along.  
  
Odd, she didn't see either Ranma or Akane anywhere. That was probably a good thing. She didn't know if she could face them just yet.  
  
*****  
  
Ranma and Akane showed up about a minute late to class and looking... well... quite the fright.  
  
Ms. Hinako was unsympathetic. "Stand in the hall."  
  
Ukyo studied their disheveled appearance. Their messed up hair, the way Ranma's shirt wasn't quite buttoned properly, that sort of transcended look he had in his eyes... It seemed that they had overslept...  
  
The implication hit her right in the heart like a sharp blade.  
  
"I guess they've worked out their differences," Ryoga, who was sitting on the floor next to her seat, said softly. "That's... that's wonderful..."  
  
And to illustrate how wonderful he found it, Ryoga started weeping.  
  
"What's so wonderful about it!" Ukyo snapped.  
  
"You can join Mr. Saotome and Ms. Tendo in the hall, Ms. Kuonji," Ms Hinako said.  
  
*****  
  
It was, to be sure, a quiet bit of punishment. The four of them stood there, Ryoga holding Ukyo's water buckets (that's what pig-slaves do), a stony silence reigning among them.  
  
Ukyo finally decided to break that silence. "You two had a long night I see," she said bitterly.  
  
Both Ranma and Akane blushed furiously, which confirmed Ukyo's preconceived assumptions.  
  
"It's not like that!" Akane blurted out.  
  
"Like what?" Ukyo asked innocently.  
  
"Nothing," Akane replied sheepishly.  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Listen Ranma," she said. "I... it hurts, but I don't hold what you and Akane did against you. We all have our little indiscretions, and I'm sure you regret what happened as much as I regret letting Ryoga take advantage of me..."  
  
"Regret what happened!" Akane snapped angrily.  
  
"Taking advantage of you!" Ryoga barked an instant later (pig slave though he was now, he still had his pride. Ukyo was the one who got him drunk after all).  
  
"We can still work things out," Ukyo continued. "We can just put it all behind us."  
  
Ranma, by the way, was feeling exceedingly nervous. NOTHING good would come from this, no sir.  
  
"Just what do you mean?" he asked.  
  
"Ranma!" Akane cried, taking his statement to mean he was considering Ukyo's words.  
  
Ukyo looked at Ranma with a look of absolute, agonizing love. She was going for broke here.  
  
"I want you to marry me and help me raise my child," she said, her eyes dewy and sparkling. "He could be our child."  
  
Ranma gulped.  
  
Akane fumed.  
  
Ryoga said nothing. He just sighed a little sigh.  
  
"Well, umm, I'm sorry Ukyo," Ranma stumbled. "I... that is... I'm not ready to be gettin married right now."  
  
"Not right now?" Ukyo said, seizing on his wishy washy attempt not to hurt her feelings. "But in time...? Are you saying you want to marry me one day?"  
  
Akane positively glowed with anger. "I'd like to know what you meant by that too," she said sternly.  
  
Ranma glanced at Akane, then at Ukyo, then back to Akane, then back to Ukyo. Then he just threw his head back in exasperation.  
  
"Ranma-honey?" Ukyo said sweetly.  
  
"Well Ranma?" Akane demanded.  
  
Fortunately, he would be spared having to give an answer just yet.  
  
"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
Kuno came charging down the hall with bokken upraised.  
  
"Lowely wretch!" he cried. "For what you have done to Akane and the pig tailed girl there can be no forgiveness!"  
  
"Oh man," Ranma said. "I'm not sticking around for this!" He started running, first tossing his water bucket at Kuno in order to slow him down a little.  
  
"Get back here Ranma!" Akane yelled as she followed. "You're not worming your way out of this one!"  
  
"Ranma-honey," Ukyo pled as she too went on the chase, "if I don't have a husband, my entire family name will be shamed! You can't leave me with Ryoga!"  
  
"Ow, ow, leggo!" Ryoga pled as he was dragged along by his leash.  
  
"Incubus!" Kuno spat as he followed the rest. "You will not escape the wrath of the Blue Thunder!"  
  
The classroom window slid open and Hiroshi and Daisuke leaned out to watch the quickly receding mob.  
  
"The more things change," Hiroshi said.  
  
"The more they stay the same," Daisuke finished.  
  
*****  
  
"That fool Saotome, he won't escape me."  
  
Hikaru Gosunkugi had found a quiet corner of the school grounds to conduct his work. The ink he was mixing reeked noxiously, and he didn't dare let anyone, especially Saotome, know what he was planning until it was too late.  
  
"I've just been toying with you before, Saotome. Now I start to get serious."  
  
He took a brush and started sketching on a sheet of paper.  
  
Like everyone else, he'd heard about Ranma and Akane's love affair early on. Unlike most everyone else, he went catatonic for a couple of days afterwards.  
  
But he was better now. And weeks of research had finally given him the tool he needed to eliminate Saotome once and for all.  
  
The ink he had mixed was an ancient recipe first devised during Japan's Sengoku era, the recipe called for old fashioned charcoal ink mixed with blood and liver of humans, as well as a sacred jewel dissolved in the concoction.  
  
Of course, he had to improvise a little. Pig's blood and liver from the local butcher replaced the human element, but it would work just as well, right? The sacred jewel was fairly genuine, or at least that was what the old shrine priest that had sold it to him had claimed.  
  
"Soon Saotome will cower at the power of my new magic," he said giddily as he kept sketching.  
  
"Is that so?" another voice asked, making Gosunkugi jump. He turned to see Nabiki Tendo standing over him. "So, what you got there?"  
  
Gosunkugi frantically tried to cover his work, "it's nothing, nothing at all!" he claimed.  
  
"Interesting little doodle," Nabiki said.  
  
On the paper, said doodle started to move.  
  
"Well, look at that," Nabiki said, obviously impressed.  
  
Gosunkugi looked back to the paper, and he felt an insane smile spread across his face. "It's working!" he cried. "Ahahahahaha! Saotome, now you will feel my vengeance!"  
  
The doodle in the meanwhile had pulled itself off of the paper. The Hell Demon was free to bring terror to the hated Saotome!  
  
"Fear me!" it demanded in a tiny little voice as it shambled towards Nabiki's shoe.  
  
Gosunkugi felt his hopes collapse. His demon of hell had manifested, but...  
  
"Blood, liver, truffles," it growled as it started gnawing ineffectually on Nabiki's shoe.  
  
It was so small!  
  
Slightly annoyed (it was scuffing her shoe), Nabiki lifted her foot and brought it down on the hell demon. The hellspawned creature expired in a small splash of ink.  
  
"I sure hope you didn't need him," Nabiki said in a rough approximation of an appologetic voice.  
  
Gosunkugi reached into his pocket and took out the keychain his sacred jewel had been attached to. It read "sunset shrine".  
  
"Curse you you old fraud!" he raged impotently. He tossed the keychain to the ground and took out his hammer and nail. "Selling me a worthless jewel!"  
  
He began driving the nail into the keychain (which actually didn't work all that well). After a few moments of impotently trying to drive metal into metal, he gave up and threw his tools to the ground.  
  
"What am I going to do?" he wailed. "How can I defeat Saotome?"  
  
"Why don't you forget about that?" Nabiki asked. "Listen, I've been looking for someone to come work for me, and I think you'd be perfect for the job."  
  
Gosunkugi was certainly surprised. "You want me to work for you, Ms Tendo?" he asked. It was like a light at the end of the long dark tunnel! Working for Nabiki Tendo would let him be close to Akane!  
  
"That's right," Nabiki said. "You'll do certain odd jobs for me. It'll pay pretty well."  
  
Gosunkugi was still caught up in the euphoria of possibly being close to Akane on a regular basis, but... "What do you mean, odd jobs?"  
  
Nabiki didn't respond at once, and Sasuke's arrival forestalled any further explanations.  
  
"Mistress Nabiki," he said. "There you are. Master Kuno was worried that you seemed to be absent. If I may ask, is anything the matter?"  
  
Gosunkugi just stood there, as though turned to stone, just staring at the little ninja.  
  
"Everything is fine, Sasuke," Nabiki said. "Why don't you run along now?"  
  
"Certainly there is something I can help you with..."  
  
"No," Nabiki said shortly, as though her patience was wearing thin. "I'll be along soon."  
  
"Very well, Mistress Nabiki," Sasuke said. He departed in a flash, though Nabiki suspected he would remain close by to keep an eye on her.  
  
Gosunkugi finally found a voice. All thoughts about defeating Ranma or being close to Akane were gone. Now all his thoughts were on that little ninja. It was unreal, unnatural, unexplainable, senseless, but it was true! It was like it was kismet, fate, destiny that they should meet and he should feel what he was feeling now...  
  
It was... hate at first sight.  
  
Deep, dark, fiery passionate hatred.  
  
"I don't like him," he said. He couldn't explain it, but this... Sasuke was now his enemy. He knew that, to borrow the old cliche, this world wasn't big enough for the two of them.  
  
"He'll be your first assignment," Nabiki said. "Deal with him however you would like. Just keep him out of the way for a while."  
  
Gosunkugi nodded. "I'll do it."  
  
*****  
  
"Come back here Ranma!"  
  
"Ranma-honey, wait!"  
  
"Leggo, come on, leggo!"  
  
"Saotome, stand and fight you coward!"  
  
Needless to say, the chase was still ongoing, having moved from the halls of the school to the fields outside. Ranma had never thought he'd want to actually thank Kuno for something, but getting him out of that little situation back there...  
  
Then again he'd kind of whimsically hoped that, seeing as how he and Akane were... umm... well... closer than before, the others would back down and leave them alone.  
  
Boy was that wishful thinking! In some cases it had only seemed to make things worse. Kodachi... damn her! ...had tried to murder Akane, and Ranma was pretty sure that her brother was looking to do the same thing to him right now.  
  
He had to find a way to stop all of this. It couldn't go on anymore. Not if he ever wanted a normal life for him and his future family...  
  
He stumbled and fell when he realized what he had just thought. Family? FAMILY?!  
  
He looked back to the small mob pursuing him, or more specifically to one angry uncute member of that mob. He'd been trying hard not to think about it for so long, but it had just popped into his head! He wanted a... he was having trouble wrapping his mind around it... a family.  
  
Whoah, too much to grasp at once.  
  
Okay, start small. He... loved Akane.  
  
Got it. Let's work up from there.  
  
People in love spend their lives together.  
  
Okay. Little unsettling, but not too bad anymore.  
  
They get married.  
  
Tremble of fear there.  
  
Married couples have... children...  
  
Stark terror.  
  
Akane wanted children. He remembered that distinctly. Not right away, but she wanted a big fam... family. She wanted to get married and bear his children...  
  
...and he... he wanted that too...  
  
Oh man was he in over his head!  
  
By the way, while he was lost trying to sort this out, the mob had closed in on him. Kuno leapt into the air, bokken upraised for the killing stroke.  
  
"Ranma!" Akane cried, realizing that Ranma was about to die because for some reason he wasn't paying attention.  
  
Fortunately, Ranma would be saved as a new arrival leapt into the fray, knocking Kuno down with a flying kick.  
  
"I'm afraid I can't let you hurt the boy," the pretty, mysterious teenage girl said as she landed with remarkable grace and took up a combat stance. The mysterious fighter had long blue hair and wore cutoffs and a white tee- shirt (which was tight in all the right places) with the phrase Bad Girl in kanji on the front. Nobody recognized her.  
  
Kuno fell to the ground with a resounding thump, but quickly recovered and got back to his feet. "And who are you?" he demanded. "Why do you defend this vile despoiler?"  
  
Ranma finally remembered where he was. He looked at the girl that had just come to his aid. Somehow, somewhere, he knew, he KNEW that he had seen her before...  
  
"That is no concern of yours," the girl said. Then she went on the attack with frightening speed. Kuno did his best to ward her off, but his bokken suddenly exploded into a cloud of splinters with a flurry of light strikes of the girl's finger.  
  
"The breaking point?" Ryoga uttered, stunned. "No, it isn't... but I've seen this before..."  
  
Kuno didn't have time to be stunned, however, as the girl followed up with hundreds of punches in a matter of a second. He fell to the ground once again, unconscious.  
  
"I'd almost forgotten how much fun this was," the girl said as she turned to face Ryoga and Ukyo. "I'm afraid I can't let you have him either," she said. "I've got my own business with the boy."  
  
"Trying to steal Ranma, are you?" Ukyo asked, reaching for her spatula. "You won't get away with it!"  
  
Ryoga stepped forward to block Ukyo's way. "Wait, Ukyo," he said.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" Ukyo demanded.  
  
"You can't fight in your condition," Ryoga said. "She's an amazon, a powerful one." That conclusion was inescapable. The chestnut fist, that technique he'd seen Cologne once use to split logs into toothpicks... "Let me take care of her."  
  
Ukyo hated the implication, but Ryoga was right. "Don't screw this up, pig boy," she said as she disconnected his leash.  
  
"What did you do this time, Ranma?" Ryoga demanded before stepping forward to face his opponent.  
  
"Don't ask me what's going on," Ranma protested. "I don't know what she wants!"  
  
"Are you sure Ranma?" Akane asked with an edge in her voice. "You didn't go and get engaged again, did you?"  
  
The girl laughed. "Are we going to fight or not?" she asked. "I'm in a hurry."  
  
Ryoga laughed as well, though his has a much more grim tone. "You shouldn't be so anxious to fight me right now," he said. "It's been a lousy couple of months."  
  
"Oh?" the girl asked inquisitively.  
  
Ryoga crossed his arms and concentrated on his depression.  
  
"Shishi hokodan!"  
  
Ryoga's blast missed the girl entirely, blasting a tree to splinters.  
  
"Is that it?" the girl asked. "Seems like you're holding back."  
  
"That was just a warning shot," Ryoga said. It wasn't like he actually wanted to fight a girl. If he could get her to back down without actually fighting... "I'm sure you know how powerful that technique could be..."  
  
The girl didn't give him a chance to finish that statement, she charged forward. In an eyeblink she had slipped behind him and tapped a pressure point on the back of his neck, sending him into slumber.  
  
"I do hate it when they just talk rather than fight," the girl said.  
  
"Did I say you could go to sleep?" Ukyo yelled at Ryoga. "Wake up and beat her up you jackass!"  
  
"Save your breath, dear," the girl said. "He'll be out for a while. Besides, he doesn't really want to fight me at all." She turned her attention to Ranma. "So, son-in-law, shall we get to the business at hand?"  
  
Ranma was overcome with stunned shock. Son-in-law?! This girl just called him son-in-law? All the sudden it came to him, he knew where he had met this girl before! Happosai's magic mirror, time traveling to the distant past, and meeting... "Old ghoul?!"  
  
The girl laughed. "Don't look so surprised son-in-law," she said. "It's simply amazing what you can do with the right mushroom nowadays. It feels so good to be sixteen again."  
  
"You mean, this..." Ukyo said, trying to get a grasp on the situation, "...this is Shampoo's great grandmother?"  
  
Akane seemed to be the only one who understood. "So you got ahold of some of those magic mushrooms?"  
  
"That's right, dear," Cologne acknowledged. "I was thinking of selling them. You have no idea how much some people will pay to have their youth back."  
  
Ranma shuddered as he recalled his own experiences with the mushrooms in question. Being a toddler all over again was not something he wanted to remember. "So what do you want..." he stalled for a moment trying to think of something to call her. Old ghoul didn't quite apply anymore. After a moment he just gave up. "Ma'am."  
  
"I was just wondering when you would want the wedding to take place," Cologne said.  
  
Ranma felt a chill. "Wed...wedding?"  
  
"That's right," Cologne said. "You didn't think I wouldn't find out, did you?"  
  
"What is she talking about, Ranma?" Akane demanded.  
  
"I don't know," Ranma protested. "You'd better start making sense!" he demanded of Cologne.  
  
"Shampoo is pregnant, son-in-law," Cologne said with a smile. "You aren't going to leave her an unwed mother, are you?"  
  
Ranma and both his fiancees were paralyzed with shock.  
  
Colonge decided to up the ante. "It seems she conceived at about the time she went to go looking for you," she said.  
  
Ranma knew exactly how that sounded. "Whoa, wait, I had nothing to..."  
  
"YOU JERK!" Akane screamed, slapping him with all her strength. Ranma was flung face first into the ground.  
  
"Hey," he protested as he rolled over to face her, "I'm telling you I had nothing..." he stopped when he saw her face. Tears were streaming down Akane's cheeks. She had a look of absolute anguish, as though the world was ending.  
  
"Is that why you wouldn't tell me what happened?" she asked softly.  
  
"Nothing happened," Ranma said weakly.  
  
"YOU LIAR!" Akane screamed. "I HATE YOU!"  
  
Then she started running, and Ranma knew there was nothing he could say to bring her back.  
  
"OLD GHOUL!" he raged, turning on the once ancient Amazon Matriarch, grabbing her roughly by the shirt. "You know I had nothing to do with Shampoo being pregnant, don't you!"  
  
"Of course I do," Cologne said. "Shampoo told me the whole sad story."  
  
"THEN TELL IT TO AKANE!"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Ranma," Cologne replied. Ranma didn't catch her subtle change of adress.  
  
Ranma looked to Ukyo. "Ucchan," he said. "You can tell Akane what she just said."  
  
"She's not going to do that, Ranma," Cologne said. "This could be her big chance." She looked to Ukyo. "I'm going to make him forget this whole thing ever happened, and Akane. If you want an even chance, keep what was said here to yourself. All right, Ukyo?"  
  
Ukyo looked positively stricken. If she just went along with it, Cologne would... she would give her the best chance she could ever have... But... could she forgive herself?  
  
"I... I'm sorry Ranma," she said softly, "but I... I can't. I can't help you."  
  
"Why are you doing this!" Ranma demanded.  
  
"Because there are some fates too terrible to comprehend," Cologne said, "and I'm running out of time."  
  
Ranma didn't understand, he couldn't understand. And he would get no explanation either, as Cologne's suddenly wandering hands left him frozen in stark terror and shock.  
  
"Wo da ailen," she said with a predatory grin.  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
*****  
  
Author's notes:  
  
1) A now sixteen year old Cologne in cutoffs and a bad girl tee shirt. I think that speaks for itself, don't you?  
  
2) Special bonus points if you can guess where that ink recipe Gosunkugi was using came from.  
  
3) Why does Gosunkugi hate Sasuke? Well there's a whole speech about dual continuity, many universes, the Copenhagen interpretation, and reality paradoxes I could go into, but instead I'll just say he doesn't like his eyes ;) 


	14. Little Death Before Dishonor Part One: R...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
All non original concepts are not mine to do with as I please. They belongs to their respective owners, so please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
SPECIAL CASES: Cologne and... wait for it, OR Little Death Before Dishonor  
  
Part One: Regret  
  
--------------------  
  
Akane's world had come to an end, or at least that's what it felt like as she ran.  
  
Everything had fallen into place. Why Ranma refused to talk about what happened while he was away had become painfully, agonizingly clear.  
  
Shampoo was pregnant.  
  
How could he? How dare he!  
  
She felt her heart ache as she remembered the warmth they had shared only yesterday. She thought about how happy she had been, how bright their future had seemed...  
  
And now it was all falling apart. He'd... he'd betrayed her...  
  
That was the only conclusion she could come to. After all, why else would he refuse to tell her what he had been doing?  
  
What would she do?  
  
What could she do?  
  
Was this the end?  
  
"Akane?"  
  
Akane stopped running and turned to see who had spoken to her, half a dozen conflicting emotions running through her mind. She knew that voice all too well.  
  
"What wrong Akane?" Shampoo asked. She was with someone Akane didn't recognize, an old woman.  
  
For an instant Akane wanted desperately to kill Shampoo. Just let loose all her anger and hurt in one massive blast of energy and wipe Shampoo from the face of existence.  
  
But only for an instant. It... it wouldn't change anything. The betrayal couldn't be erased. She turned away, unable to bare the sight of the amazon.  
  
"I heard about the baby," she said softly, bitterly. "I hope you and Ranma are very happy."  
  
Akane couldn't see it, but Shampoo was stunned. "Akane, you think...?"  
  
Akane didn't reply.  
  
Shampoo sighed. "WHAT YOU, STUPID!?" she suddenly exploded.  
  
The shear volume of Shampoo's angry exclamation was enough to make Akane look back.  
  
"YOU THINK I GET THIS BABY FROM RANMA!?" Shampoo screamed. "STUPID STUPID STUPID...!"  
  
"Now now, child," the old woman soothed (or tried to), "you shouldn't be getting so excited. It isn't good for the baby."  
  
Shampoo did her best to calm down. "This is stupid girl Ranma choose over me," she said bitterly. "Too stupid to see truth if right in front of face!"  
  
Still Akane didn't reply. It didn't matter if Shampoo tried to deny it. Akane knew... she KNEW that they had met. Who else could be the father of Shampoo's baby?  
  
"Stupid girl want know what happened when Shampoo see Ranma?" Shampoo wanted to know.  
  
"I'm not interested in your lies, Shampoo," Akane said bitterly. "I know you're carrying Ranma's..."  
  
"SHAMPOO CARRYING MOUSSE'S CHILD, STUPID!" Shampoo shouted.  
  
Akane suddenly realized there were tears in Shampoo's eyes. Shampoo was... was close to bawling.  
  
Was she telling the truth?  
  
"Shampoo tell you what happened," the amazon said.  
  
*****  
  
A trip to the past, to a long neglected cliffhanger.  
  
"Nihao Ranma," Shampoo said. They had met entirely by accident in a quaint village inn in an equally quaint village in the depths of Japan's wilderness.  
  
(on the edge of the Higo forest where forgetful janitors, giant platypi, and eight headed girl eating alcoholic dragons live, but that was beside the point)  
  
"I don't have time for this," Ranma said. He looked like he hadn't slept for some time. He paid no heed to her and walked over to the pay phone at one end of the bar.  
  
Shampoo was surprised to see Kuno come down the stairs next.  
  
"Infant... err... Saotome," he said. "We have not time to dally. Make haste man, lives far more important than your own depend on our efforts."  
  
"Just a second, okay?" Ranma said, "I just gotta take care of something."  
  
He fed the pay phone an assortment of coins and started dialing.  
  
"Hello," he said into the receiver once he got a connection. "It's Ranma. Listen, old man, I don't have a lot of time, so I need you to deliver a message to Akane... I mean to everyone. I'm sorry... for everything. Tell them I'm coming back. Not right away, I have something I have to take care of and I don't know how long it will take, but I am coming back. I just needed to... to think. You got that old freak? Good. Tell Akane... tell her I think I'm ready to..." a pause as he thought for a moment. "No, forget that part. That's all. Don't you forget old man."  
  
He hung up and turned to Kuno. "Okay, let's go."  
  
That was it, he was just leaving. He had barely acknowledged her presence at all!  
  
Shampoo knew her mission here was done. She'd come out here to bring Ranma back to Akane (or at least that was what she had told herself), and if that phone call was any indication, he was going to go back to her. What he said, what he had almost said...  
  
She was done here. She should just leave, right?  
  
"She never forgive you," she said. It was like someone else had taken over, like it wasn't really her saying it, but it was. "She never forgive for leaving at altar. Ranma better off staying away."  
  
It was a lie, all a lie. If Ranma returned to her, Akane would forgive him without question.  
  
What was she doing, saying these lies? What was she thinking?  
  
Ranma looked at her, and in those utterly exhausted eyes of his, she saw... pity.  
  
"Go home, Shampoo," he said.  
  
"She never take you back," Shampoo said almost in a whisper.  
  
Ranma walked past her. "That doesn't matter," he said. "I'll stay with her no matter what."  
  
*****  
  
Akane was crying, but she didn't know why anymore.  
  
"Shampoo did lots stupid things," Shampoo said after she finished recounting the event. "One was Mousse. That where baby come from. Ranma no know how to betray you."  
  
Was she crying tears of joy, depression, or guilt? Akane just didn't know. "I'm such a fool."  
  
"Shampoo tell you that already," Shampoo said.  
  
"But why?" Akane wanted to know, "why did Cologne tell me..."  
  
Shampoo scowled. "Great Grandmother tell you this?" she asked.  
  
Akane nodded. Shampoo uttered something in her native tongue that Akane didn't think was all that complementary.  
  
"Ranma in trouble," Shampoo said. "Great Grandmother trying to get out of fix using Ranma. We got go help him, which way are they?"  
  
Akane thought for a moment, then realized she had no idea which way she was running when she had fled Ranma. She'd just been running.  
  
"I don't know," she said sheepishly. "Somewhere on school grounds I guess."  
  
Shampoo let loose a string of Chinese curses. "We go look," she said. "Must find Ranma before too late."  
  
*****  
  
"Get offa me!" Ranma shouted, throwing Cologne off of him.  
  
Cologne smiled mischievously. "Oh relax Ranma, It's just a formality. You won't remember it much longer."  
  
With a flick of her wrists, Cologne produced a bottle of shampoo and a comb.  
  
"Prepare yourself, Ranma," she said.  
  
Xi Fa Xiang Gao Shiatsu! She was going to try to erase his memories!  
  
"You still haven't told me why you're doing this!" Ranma snapped.  
  
"Given the options I have," Cologne said, "I have no choice!" Then she attacked.  
  
Fighting the old ghoul was tough on the best of days, but her rediscovered youth seemed to only make things worse. She was just so fast... Ranma could barely keep up with her as he warded off blow after blow.  
  
(Ranma didn't know it, but it wasn't just youth that was making Cologne so fast, it was also a dose of shear desperation. If she lost this fight...)  
  
Strike, block, block, strike, block, dodge, dodge, block... He couldn't keep up with her forever (it didn't help that he was still a mess from before). She was wearing him down. Wearing him down fast!  
  
He leapt away, hoping to put some distance between them.  
  
But Cologne kept after him.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of her closing in behind him, and almost on reflex he snapped a spinning kick at her.  
  
The kick passed clean through her without contacting anything. An illusion!  
  
She was behind him! Another kick, another illusion.  
  
To the left! Same result.  
  
His senses warned of danger, too late! She was on him!  
  
Darkness.  
  
*****  
  
"What is this all about?" Akane asked as they ran, searching for Ranma.  
  
"Amazon tribal laws say any warrior defeated by outsider man must marry outsider," Shampoo said.  
  
"I know that," Akane said.  
  
"Law is to ensure many strong childrens," Shampoo continued, "so is not applied when old people who no can have children lose, most of time. Since tribal elders learn of new magic mushroom that can make young again, they apply law to all womens. Great grandmother included."  
  
The implications were clear. "You mean she has to marry Ranma?!" Akane exclaimed in shock.  
  
"No has to," Shampoo said. "Ranma never clearly beat Great-Grandmother, but is lesser of two evils. She take Ranma as husband to get out of taking other choice."  
  
"Who's the other choice?" Akane asked. She thought for a moment, thinking back to every fight she had seen Cologne in. Suddenly it hit her. "You don't mean..."  
  
Shampoo didn't answer. "Great-Grandmother is trying to eliminate competition. That why she say Shampoo get baby from Ranma."  
  
So that was it. Cologne had been trying to drive her away from Ranma. Akane felt a tear run down her cheek. How could she have been so stupid to fall for it? It had just been so easy for her to think Ranma was cheating...  
  
"There Ukyo," Shampoo said, pointing.  
  
She was right. Ukyo stood a few yards away, looking down at the unconscious Ryoga and Kuno.  
  
"Where's Ranma?" Akane called as they closed the distance.  
  
Ukyo looked up, not looking particularly pleased to see Akane or Shampoo. "He's gone," she said. "Shampoo's great grandmother knocked him out with... some kind of attack, then she ran off with him flung over her shoulder."  
  
Something just snapped inside Akane. She fell to her knees, sobbing. She was a fool! He was gone and she didn't... she didn't get the chance to... to tell him how sorry she was...  
  
"Akane," Ukyo said, "I'm sorry about what happened. What Ranma did hurts me too..."  
  
Shampoo glared at the okonomiyaki chef. "Ranma do nothing," she said.  
  
Ukyo looked surprised at Shampoo's statement. "He... he didn't?" she stumbled. "Well... that... that's wonderful. Isn't it Akane?"  
  
Akane got back to her feet. Her eyes burned and her face was wet with tears. "I have to find him," she said. "I have to find Ranma."  
  
This was all her fault, she decided. If she had just trusted Ranma in the first place, she would have been there and she could have done something to keep Cologne from taking him...  
  
(her guilt didn't allow for the idea that even if she had been there, she wouldn't have been a match for the amazon matriarch and probably couldn't have stopped her anyway)  
  
"Shampoo come with you," Shampoo said.  
  
"Me too," Ukyo added. "So'll Ryoga."  
  
"As shall I," Kuno said as he opened his eyes and sat up. "Saotome and I still have our battle to resolve. I shall not allow him to duck out on a duel between men."  
  
"I shall accompany you as well," the old woman that had been with Shampoo earlier said. Everyone was quite surprised to see her just sort of pop in the middle of them.  
  
"This tribal elder," Shampoo said. "Very important person in tribe second only to great-grandmother."  
  
The elder bowed respectfully. "Hello," she said to everyone. "Shampoo, I suggest bringing one other along with us. If we are to succeed, we will need him."  
  
Shampoo winced. "Shampoo think you probably right."  
  
*****  
  
"Where has your lover gone, most beautiful of women?"  
  
"Which way did your lover turn, that we may look for him with you?"  
  
(Song of Songs 6:1)  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1) hmm... kinda short this time around. Still, it's a natural stopping point, so I don't feel too bad.  
  
2) wow, four distinct clues to the future in one chapter, that's got to be a record or something (no I'm not going to tell you where they are, but I will say that most of them are pretty obscure).  
  
3) I admit it, I enjoy making Akane suffer. 


	15. Little Death Before Dishonor Part Two: M...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
All non original concepts are not mine to do with as I please. They belongs to their respective owners, so please don't sue me!  
  
--------------------  
  
SPECIAL CASES: Cologne and... (not yet), OR Little Death Before Dishonor  
  
Part Two: Motives  
  
--------------------  
  
This was a matter for steel.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno took the Kuno family sword down from its place of honor on the wall. Yes, this time no mere wooden sword would be sufficient.  
  
The time for his final confrontation with Ranma Saotome drew near.  
  
"Is the packing complete, Sasuke?" he asked of his servant.  
  
"Yes, master Kuno," Sasuke said, pointing to the full pack. "Are you certain you want me to stay behind?"  
  
Kuno drew the blade partway out of its sheath. Nabiki had nearly slit her wrists with this very sword. "I am certain. I require you to keep watch over my fiancee while I am away. She is a cunning and dangerous woman, and there is no telling what plans she will hatch in my absence."  
  
Nabiki had played her game cleverly indeed, trapping him in her web before he even realized what was happening. To think, for a moment he had actually believed her! The very idea that he could bring such violence to a woman was laughable, of course, but in that terrifying moment it had seemed real. In a moment of panic he had foolishly given his pledge to her. Now honor demanded he keep it.  
  
Nabiki's insane love for him had led her to this, led her to work this stratagem against him. But if she believed that her victory was total, she would soon learn otherwise!  
  
But first there was the matter at hand. First he must bring an end to the vile Saotome.  
  
He gazed into the reflection in the blade. "Nabiki has foiled my pure intentions for Akane and the pig tailed girl. I shall never take either's hand in marriage. But Saotome, enslaver of women, I will not forgive your crimes. I will bring you to the justice you deserve, and I shall free them from your terrible grasp. This I swear!"  
  
"Such a noble sentiment, brother dear," he heard a voice say. He turned to see Kodachi enter the room, followed by that man that had been staying in the household at her request. What was his name? Taro.  
  
"Is not the weather too warm for a scarf?" Kuno asked. Kodachi wore a satin scarf around her neck.  
  
"I have found the day quite chilly," Kodachi said a little defensively. "I hope you don't expect to travel alone on such a perilous journey."  
  
"I shall travel in the company of Akane Tendo and several others," Kuno replied. "Though I shant need their assistance to settle matters with Ranma Saotome."  
  
"You will travel with me, as well, dear brother," Kodachi said. "I have my own interest in this matter."  
  
Kuno frowned. "I see," he said. Having Kodachi along was the last thing he wanted. His twisted sister still harbored feelings of affection for Ranma Saotome, and she might prove troublesome when it came time to destroy him. Still, there was little he could do about it. Kodachi was impossible to talk out of something she had set her mind to. "Will you be bringing along your new servant?" he asked.  
  
Taro just crossed his arms and smirked.  
  
"Taro shall accompany us, yes," Kodachi said.  
  
"Very well," Kuno said. "We leave at first light."  
  
*****  
  
"What are you trying to pull here, Shampoo?" Ukyo asked.  
  
They were in the Tendo training hall. Her and Shampoo (and the amazon elder) were sitting on the sidelines watching as Akane trained against Ryoga.  
  
"Shampoo no try pull anything," Shampoo said. "Shampoo just here help Akane against great-grandmother."  
  
"And she'll need all the help she can get," the elder said as she observed Akane fight. "The girl has a great deal of potential, but she is centuries away from being able to defeat the matriarch. Too emotional, too awkward, too inexperienced. Cologne will have no trouble dispatching her."  
  
"She no need to beat great-grandmother," Shampoo pointed out. "She need only get Ranma away from her."  
  
"That will not be as easy as it seems, child," the elder said. "The matriarch is not likely to give up her prize without a fight. And you will be of no help in your condition. Do you believe this misfit gang of outsiders you have assembled can defeat the greatest of our tribe?"  
  
"Shampoo no worried," Shampoo said.  
  
"You'd be surprised what us outsiders are capable of," Ukyo agreed. "I'm just not sure how we're going to find Cologne now."  
  
"Shampoo know of some places in mountains where great-grandmother go for training," Shampoo said. "Is somewhere to start at least."  
  
Ukyo was silent for a moment. "And when we find them again," she finally said, "it's every girl for herself, right?"  
  
Shampoo looked at Ukyo, surprised. "What you mean?"  
  
"You know what I mean, Shampoo," Ukyo said. "We both want the same thing."  
  
Shampoo smiled. "Ukyo," she said. "You think maybe we waste whole bunch of life on stupid thing?"  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Ukyo wanted to know.  
  
"Shampoo have revelation little while ago. No can convince Ranma to love Shampoo. Boy is too stupid to know what good for him. Ranma love Akane and nothing we can do about it. Is stupid and waste time to try."  
  
"You can't be serious," Ukyo said, disbelieving.  
  
"It hurt little bit inside, but is true," Shampoo continued. "Shampoo come to understand there is many fish in sea. Maybe time Shampoo get on with life, look for other kind happiness. Who need Ranma?"  
  
Ukyo didn't answer.  
  
"Ranma is no good anyway," Shampoo continued. "Is sneaky and spineless. He no appreciate what he has. He no even make good husband. Ranma and violent Akane deserve each other."  
  
"You know," Ukyo said quietly, "you might be right."  
  
Shampoo nodded.  
  
"Maybe I should think about moving on with my life too," Ukyo continued. "Ran-chan's so weak willed and wishy washy, maybe he's no good for me either. If he were any real man he would have just picked a fiancee and been done with it, right? Maybe I need something else in my life."  
  
"Knowing when give up is part of growing up," Shampoo said in agreement.  
  
"LIKE I'D REALLY FALL FOR THAT!" Ukyo snapped suddenly. "Nice try, Shampoo, but did you really think you could talk me into giving up Ran-chan? Do you really think I'm just going to turn aside and let you snatch him out from under me?"  
  
"That really not what Shampoo have in mind," Shampoo said.  
  
"I know exactly what you have in mind Shampoo," Ukyo said. "It isn't going to work. Ran-chan is mine, you understand?"  
  
Shampoo didn't respond right away. Instead she got to her feet.  
  
"Shampoo have things to do," she said. "No have time for this."  
  
And with that she walked out.  
  
"You won't beat me, Shampoo," Ukyo said as she watched her go. "Not you, not your grandmother, and not Akane. This time I've got the edge."  
  
*****  
  
"I think we can stop now, Akane," Ryoga said. "You've improved a great deal."  
  
"Thank you," Akane said. "Ranma has been training me."  
  
Ryoga felt something squeeze his heart. He should have known.  
  
"So... things are going well between you two?" he asked. What was he doing here? What the hell was he thinking?  
  
"I... I guess so," Akane said.  
  
"I'm happy for you," Ryoga said. Yeah, happy, that was it. He was a whole dark endless abyss of happiness.  
  
"I've been such a fool," Akane said, more to herself. "All those times I was angry with him, all those hurtful things I said... I may never get a chance to tell him how sorry I am..."  
  
She looked like she was about to cry.  
  
"We'll find him, Akane," Ryoga said. Oh god what was he doing here?! What part in this did he have? This wasn't his fight, why should he care if Ranma never came back at all?  
  
"I hope so," Akane said. "I... I don't think I could bear it if I lost him..."  
  
Damnit damnit damnit! What seemed like an eternity ago, Ryoga had told himself that he understood that Akane would never love him, that he would be nothing more than just a friend, or worse, a pet, to her. He told himself he could learn to accept that, that he could get on with his life.  
  
He was learning now that moving on wasn't as easy as he thought. Try as he might he couldn't banish what he was feeling. Part of him was happy that Ranma was gone. Part of him hated Akane right now because she would never love him the way he loved her.  
  
It sickened him.  
  
Why couldn't he just leave? Why couldn't he just put it all behind him? Why had he agreed to help her at all?  
  
Because she needed his help.  
  
Because, in the end, no matter what he'd be there for her. He'd do whatever he could to help her, even though being next to her was tearing him up inside. It was all he could do.  
  
*****  
  
"So you're not ready to give up on him yet," Taro asked as he set his bag down next to hers. They had finished packing and were now ready to leave.  
  
He smiled ever so slightly as Kodachi's hand almost unconsciously moved up to her throat. He knew that the scarf she wore hid the bruises Ranma had left on her neck.  
  
"All of this is her fault," Kodachi said. "We have a long and dangerous trip ahead of us, and accidents do happen..."  
  
"Didn't Ranma promise to kill you if anything happened to Akane?" Taro asked.  
  
"He cannot hold me responsible if she were to suffer an accident," Kodachi said. "It would be tragic, of course, but I would be blameless."  
  
"I'm sure," Taro said. "And I'm sure Ranma will be happy to take your word for it. Just like he did with that unfortunate spider incident."  
  
Kodachi gave him a dark look, and his smile grew.  
  
They'd met not too long ago. Taro had come back to Nerima to once again try to force Happosai to change his name. But instead, he had met Kodachi.  
  
It was love at first sight.  
  
He hadn't been subtle about it. He'd told her straight away how he felt. She'd rejected him, of course, but he knew she was holding something back. With every day they spent in each other's company, a little more of her guard was lost. Every day he was more and more sure that she felt the same feelings for him that he felt for her.  
  
One night she had offered him his chance. She told him that she would not follow her brother's example by pining away for two loves. If Taro wanted her heart, he would have to fight for it. He must prove himself more worthy of her love than Ranma. If he could do that, then she would accept his offer of love.  
  
Of course it wouldn't be easy. He was no fool. He saw the kind of power Saotome had over her, and he knew very well what kind of person he was dealing with. Overcoming what he had to overcome was going to take some very hard, very careful work.  
  
No matter. He wasn't about to give up yet.  
  
*****  
  
"You help Shampoo?" Shampoo asked. "It be worth your while."  
  
Happosai looked up from his ironing. "What do you mean?" he asked. Shampoo had come into his room and asked for his help in rescuing Ranma. He wasn't completely without a heart (no, really), but since Ranma apparently didn't change into a girl anymore, his interest in helping the boy had waned considerably. "What's in it for me?"  
  
What was Shampoo going to offer him, he wondered. Free lunches at the cafe? She couldn't do that, the Cat Cafe didn't exist anymore.  
  
Shampoo smiled in a way that made Happosai excited. No... she couldn't possibly offer...  
  
She leaned over and whispered in his ear.  
  
Happosai went into system overload as she explained. No, she wasn't offering lingerie! She was offering... she was offering... she was offering so much more!  
  
"You mean it?" he demanded in a fearful, hopeful whisper.  
  
"Shampoo mean every word," Shampoo said with a smile. "Is amazon law after all."  
  
"I'll do it!" he cried. "For this I'll storm the gates of hell itself!"  
  
*****  
  
It was done. Nine had gathered to embark on the perilous journey to find Ranma Saotome. All with the singular purpose of...  
  
Okay, forget that part. Most everyone was out for themselves. What else is new?  
  
But just what had happened to Ranma? Where was he? What was he doing?  
  
*****  
  
He was running, a canteen of water in his hand, a swordsman and someone... else running next to him.  
  
He had to hurry. He had to bring her the water before it was too late.  
  
He ran and ran, but the house was so far away... It didn't seem like he'd ever get there...  
  
Still he ran. He had to get there. He had to get there quickly. She'll die without the water.  
  
There it was, the house! It was in sight, so close!  
  
He kept running.  
  
He burst through the door.  
  
She lay there on her bed, her eyes half closed, her skin pale. As he ran to her, her eyes closed and she went limp.  
  
No, no, NO! He poured the water of life from the canteen into her mouth, but it didn't help. It couldn't help. He was too late. She was gone.  
  
The other held her in his arms, crying out her name and pleading for her to come back, crying to the heavens to bring her back to him. But the heavens did not respond.  
  
And Ranma felt pain, and anguish, because the girl he loved was dead.  
  
*****  
  
Ranma awoke with a start, drenched with sweat.  
  
"Oh man," he said. "What the heck was that?"  
  
He looked around at the unfamiliar tent he was in. A better question, he realized, might be where the heck was he?  
  
He tried to think back. The last thing he remembered he was in China. He and pops were on their way to some kind of martial arts training ground. How did he end up here?  
  
He tried to scratch his head and realized his left arm was in a cast. How did that happen?  
  
Just what was going on here?  
  
Images from the dream flashed through his mind.  
  
Who was that girl, he wondered. Something about that thought shot a sharp pain through his skull, so he tried not to think about her.  
  
What was he doing here? That seemed to be a less painful question. Where was pops?  
  
Where was here?  
  
What was going on here?  
  
*****  
  
Author's notes:  
  
Disappointed by another kinda short chapter? Well...  
  
The next chapter is the big one, we're talking climax of the story here. The epic battle between Cologne and the gang from Nerima. It's gonna be great (I promise ;) ) so don't miss it!  
  
Now, in response to questions of readers  
  
1) Ex-Akane fan? Nope. I am a fan of all of the main characters, and Akane in particular holds a special place in my heart (I find her the easiest character to relate to). I do enjoy it when she suffers, but the reasons for that are not what you might expect. And that's all I'm gonna say about that for now.  
  
2) I meant to answer this one a long time ago, but somehow I just forgot about it. Shampoo and Mousse's chapter (chapter six... I think... for those keeping score) was not consciously inspired by Buffy and Spike's relationship in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Actually, it wasn't until after I wrote it that I noticed the similarity. I call it a coincidence. 


	16. Little Death Before Dishonor Part Three:...

Couple's Therapy  
  
Pointless tales of pairing off  
  
--------------------  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
All non original concepts are not mine to do with as I please, et cetera.  
  
The middle section of this chapter has been infected with musical theater. On behalf of the editorial staff, we apologize for any inconvenience and also lay all the blame on bunnies (I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...)  
  
--------------------  
  
SPECIAL CASES: Cologne and... (almost there), OR Little Death Before Dishonor  
  
Part Three: Gordian Knot  
  
--------------------  
  
What would she do?  
  
How could she defeat Cologne?  
  
Would she ever see Ranma again?  
  
Akane tried not to think about him as she practiced. She tried to keep her mind on what she was doing, to focus, but it just wasn't working.  
  
Would she ever see him again?  
  
The dojo was oppressively quiet, everyone having already turned in for the night. Akane had been in the dojo alone before, of course, but right now it seemed different. The massive hollow emptiness of it all just seemed to resonate with how she was feeling right now.  
  
She didn't know what would happen now, she couldn't. All she had was fear and doubt. Ranma would, literally WOULD move heaven and earth for her, but she...  
  
She'd do everything she could to get him back, but what could she do? Ranma was so far beyond her in martial arts skill, so far beyond any of them, and even he had trouble against Cologne. How was she supposed to beat the Amazon matriarch?  
  
And if she couldn't beat Cologne, how would she get Ranma back from her?  
  
What was she going to do? Would she ever see him again?  
  
Suddenly there was a brilliant flash outside, which briefly flooded the dojo with light. Akane ran to the window, wondering what new catastrophe had fallen upon them now.  
  
The garden was filled with light, radiating from a lone, silhouetted figure. The figure began approaching the dojo as the light faded.  
  
"It can't be," Akane said in a whisper as she hustled out of the dojo to greet the figure. "Princess Ori..."  
  
But it was. When she arrived outside she was greeted by a girl with a celestial bearing.  
  
"Hello Akane," Princess Ori said.  
  
"This has to be a dream," Akane said, in awe at once again being in the presence of the daughter of the Emperor of the Heavens.  
  
"It is," the weaving princess confirmed. "I've been watching you Akane. I know your heart is filled with uncertainty now, but I came to tell you that you have nothing to fear."  
  
"Nothing to fear?" Akane repeated.  
  
"You and your fiance are bound together by fate," Ori elaborated. "Nobody can take that from you. Just remember that, Akane."  
  
"Because of the spell you cast," Akane said. "You said it was..."  
  
"Oh, that?" Ori asked, "That was just a little light show," she said with a mischievous smile. "I thought you two might work out your differences more easily if you thought you had divine fate on your side."  
  
Akane was shocked. "It was all just some kind of trick?" she cried, "But you just said that we were bound by fate!"  
  
"I didn't mean that," Ori said. "I wouldn't use magic to try to force you together. No, you're bound together because it is what you both wanted."  
  
She held out her hands and a shimmering stalk of bamboo appeared between them. Two slips of paper, each of which bore a name, hung from the leaves.  
  
"I heard your wish Akane," Ori said. "How could I not grant it?"  
  
Akane remembered it clearly, though she hadn't thought about it in some time. The night before the Tanabata festival, that stalk of supposedly magic bamboo. Their parents forcing them to write their names and place them together on the stalk. "But that was our parent's idea, not us," she protested.  
  
"It doesn't matter who's idea it was," Ori said. "I could tell that in your hearts this was what you wanted. Are you going to deny it?"  
  
Akane thought back to that night. She thought about all that had happened, about the brief feeling of absolute terror she had felt when she thought Ranma had destroyed his paper...  
  
"Ranma is such a jerk," she said. Still, she couldn't deny... After it was all said and done, the idea that her and Ranma might one day be married had been... nice to think about.  
  
"But it was such a little thing," she said. "How could this bamboo leaf bind us together?"  
  
"The leaf was just a formality, Akane," Ori said as she began to glow. "Destiny is not as important as you might think. What ultimately bound you two together was the feelings you share. As long as you remember that, you'll do just fine."  
  
Ori continued to radiate light, brighter and brighter, until she was shining so bright that Akane had to close her eyes.  
  
*****  
  
When she opened her eyes again, she was in her bed. Sunlight was leaking through her window shades.  
  
"Was it all just a dream?" she wondered. It was so vivid, so real...  
  
Her and Ranma were... bound together by fate. The thought was actually quite heartwarming. Maybe she didn't need to worry... Maybe in the end everything would work out.  
  
Her door opened and Kasumi poked her head in. "Good morning Akane," she said. "You had better hurry up. You don't want to keep the others waiting."  
  
That's right, Akane remembered, they were leaving today. "I'll be down in a little bit, Kasumi," she said.  
  
"All right then," Kasumi replied.  
  
*****  
  
Well that was about as subtle as a wrecking ball, wasn't it?  
  
Anyhow...  
  
*****  
  
What the heck is going on here, Ranma wondered to himself as he sat on a rock and watched the sunrise. Where is pop?  
  
What was that dream about?  
  
He was in the mountains, somewhere. Some girl who called herself... what was it again? He couldn't remember her name, but she'd told him she'd found him lying in the road somewhere and had brought him to her camp. She hadn't seen his father anywhere.  
  
"What did the old man do this time?" he wondered aloud.  
  
And what was up with that dream? Who was that girl in the dream? He couldn't put a name to her face, but somehow in the dream her death... it... it was terrible. Seeing her die had been... it was like her death was the end of the world.  
  
But damnit he didn't even know who she was!  
  
Could she have something to do with all this? With pop's disappearance?  
  
He just plain didn't have the answer to that. All he was left with was more questions.  
  
*****  
  
Cologne watched Ranma sit and think, and wondered what would come of her plan.  
  
It was apparent that the memory altering shiatsu hadn't been entirely effective, which in itself wasn't much of a surprise. Trying to blot out nearly a year of someone's memory was... to say the least, not all that easy. Completely blocking that much information in a person's mind was actually simply impossible. The most vivid memories and strongest emotions would still tend to slip through the cracks, from time to time.  
  
But she hadn't expected this. She knew all about Ranma's dream. She'd heard him sobbing in his sleep and later after introductions were made, she'd gotten him to tell her about it. It was clear to her that the dream had been about Akane. But rather than some fragments of forgotten memories, which she would have expected, the dream had been very specific and very explicit. Ranma had seen Akane die.  
  
What did it mean? It couldn't be a memory resurfacing. That would be impossible, wouldn't it?  
  
Unbidden, thoughts of her recent encounter with a fortune teller came to mind. Someone will die before this matter is resolved. Someone dear to one of the involved parties...  
  
The thought sent a chill down Cologne's spine. What if... what if something more supernatural was at work here? What if the dream had nothing to do with the past at all?  
  
*****  
  
Breakfast was waiting for her when Akane came down the stairs. And that apparently wasn't the only thing.  
  
"Kuno?"  
  
Kuno sat at the table next to Nabiki. His expression was... perhaps less than ecstatic. Akane couldn't quite understand why, but he seemed genuinely uncomfortable here.  
  
"Tate-chan has decided to join us for breakfast," Nabiki said.  
  
"Yes," Kuno said, wincing at Nabiki's pet name for him. "Regrettably Sasuke seems indisposed presently. Therefore I have accepted the invitation of... of my fiancee..." the term did not seem to come easily to him, "...to dine here. I hope I am not imposing."  
  
*****  
  
Meanwhile Sasuke ran screaming through the streets, covered in pint sized demons of hell that endlessly gnawed at him. They were really little more than a nuisance and it wasn't like they were actually hurting him or anything, but hey, you wake up covered with the legions of the infernal realms and try to tell me you wouldn't be just a little freaked.  
  
"GET THEM OFF!" he screamed as he ran, "GET THEM OFF!"  
  
In the shadows, his tormenter watched him running in terror, and smiled. This was only the beginning.  
  
*****  
  
"Oh not at all," Soun said from his place at the table. "After all, you will soon be part of the family."  
  
Another wince from Kuno, and Akane began to puzzle things out. She didn't know exactly what Nabiki had done to get a marriage proposal from Kuno, but she had assumed that there was love in there somewhere, at least on his end. Now she was starting to seriously doubt that. Nabiki had entrapped him, that much was obvious. What was surprising was that he apparently knew it.  
  
In any case, that wasn't important right now. Ironically, for once she was happy to see Kuno here. He knew something about what had happened Ranma while he was away. He had to, he was there!  
  
"Kuno," she said, "can I talk to you in the garden?"  
  
For a moment Kuno's eyes gleamed at the thought, but just as quickly they turned to despair. "It... It would be unseemly," he said. "For former lovers to converse privately in such a manner..."  
  
"Hey!" Akane protested. "We were never lovers!"  
  
"Oh don't worry Tate-chan," Nabiki said with a very considerate voice. "I trust you to spend time alone with my little sister."  
  
Kuno was surprised at Nabiki's statement. "Nabiki Ten... Nabiki, I... I am grateful for your understanding."  
  
Nabiki beamed with appreciation that Akane thought was probably feigned. "Oh, and Akane," she said.  
  
"Yes Nabiki?"  
  
"I certainly hope you won't try to take advantage of this little courtesy," Nabiki said with a mischievous grin. "Don't go stealing my fiance, now."  
  
"Nabiki!"  
  
*****  
  
"Honestly," Akane said as her and Kuno entered the garden, "she's treating this like its just some kind of game. I don't know why you put up with..."  
  
She was cut off when Kuno swept her into his arms.  
  
"Oh dear Akane!" he cried, "how bold you are! My heart races with excitement!"  
  
Akane felt her anger build like a volcano ready to blow. "Oh Kuno dear," she said sweetly, then tossed him into a tree, "YOU'RE ENGAGED!"  
  
Kuno crashed into the tree head first and slumped to the ground. Then, quicker than a blink, he was back on his feet with his arms once again around Akane.  
  
"Oh such a cruel twist of fate which has tied me to your sister," he lamented. "I shall do all for her that is required of a husband, but know that in truth my heart forever belongs to you. In whatever time we can have together, we can make memories that will last for years to come..."  
  
Akane knocked him down again. "Cut it out!" she demanded, "I didn't bring you out here for this! I wanted to ask you something."  
  
Kuno got up to a seated position. "You may ask anything you want of me, my dear Akane. I shall endeavor to be of service however I can."  
  
"I was..." Akane hesitated. Ranma hadn't told her anything about what had happened to him while he was away. Once it had been nothing but irritating, but now... as she stood there, she realized that finding out the truth just wasn't as important to her as it used to be. She found herself thinking that Ranma would tell her himself when he was ready.  
  
And that was just fine with her.  
  
"Never mind," she said.  
  
Kuno looked to the ground. "I understand what you are asking," he said.  
  
"Huh?" Akane asked, confused.  
  
"Oh if it were only so easy to set aside your sister!" Kuno lamented. "Alas, I have given my pledge to her, and I cannot break it." He moved to her and took her hands. "But be strong Akane, know that my love is true, know that we will find a way..."  
  
"That's not it!" Akane protested. "I was going to ask what you and Ranma were doing while he was gone!"  
  
Kuno's face got a look of supreme puzzlement. "Say again?" he asked.  
  
"I wanted to know what you and Ranma were doing," Akane repeated. "Forget it, I don't need to know."  
  
"I do not know what you are talking about," Kuno said. "I have no dealings with Saotome."  
  
"Shampoo saw you with him, at Ryuugenzawa," Akane said.  
  
"Shampoo is mistaken," Kuno said. "I had no part in his leaving, though he would have done well to stay away permanently. And I certainly have not been to this Ryuugenzawa."  
  
But this didn't make any sense! Shampoo had been very specific. Kuno had been the one that was with Ranma. Was he lying now to hide something? But what could he possibly be hiding?  
  
Why is it that every time she tried to learn more about what had happened, all she got was more questions?  
  
*****  
  
"Let me out damnit!" Ukyo shouted as she pounded on the door to her room, thoroughly boarded up by Ryoga.  
  
"I'm sorry Ukyo," Ryoga said safely on the other side of the door. "You can't come with us in your condition. It's too much of a risk for the baby."  
  
"Ryoga you jackass!" Ukyo hollered, "you can't leave me behind! You owe me, pig boy, you hear me!"  
  
Ryoga turned his attention to the rather cute girlish ninja hiding in the shadows nearby. "Take good care of her while I'm gone," he said.  
  
Konatsu shot him a dark look, but then he was used to that. "I'll take extra good care of miss Ukyo," he said. "Feel free to not come back, ever."  
  
Ryoga winced. It was safe to say the kunoichi didn't like him, not one bit. At least Konatsu had stopped trying to kill him, mostly.  
  
"I packed a lunch for you," the ninja said, offering Ryoga a bento box.  
  
Ryoga didn't accept it. He wasn't about to gamble with his life any more than he had to.  
  
Locked in her room, Ukyo continued to plead, threaten, and demand that she be let out.  
  
"You can't do this to me, Ryoga!" she yelled. "I'll never have another opportunity like this again! You can't make me miss it like this!"  
  
Shampoo and the elder entered the restaurant.  
  
"Nihao," Shampoo said. "Is all ready to go?"  
  
"RYOGA! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!"  
  
Even Shampoo shuddered a little at Ukyo's latest outburst.  
  
"Umm..." Ryoga said, "Ukyo isn't coming along. She doesn't need the strain right now."  
  
Shampoo nodded. "Mortal combat is no good for pregnant womens. Shampoo would stay behind also, but must come to help find Great Grandmother. No one knows great grandmother's training places like Shampoo."  
  
"You can't do this to me, Ryoga!" Ukyo pled. "I'm the only one he's going to recognize! You're ruining everything! I'll never forgive you for this!"  
  
Ryoga shook his head. "You'll never forgive me for anything no matter what I do," he said softly, quietly enough so as not to be overheard. "It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now, the only good I can do in this world now is to make sure that my baby will live a long and happy life. I'll protect you with my life, Ukyo, whether you want me to or not."  
  
"What Ukyo mean, she only one he'll recognize?" Shampoo asked.  
  
"I don't know," Ryoga said. "She hasn't been all that willing to talk to me in a rational manner right now, but it doesn't matter." Whatever he had to do. He'd protect her and her baby. His life, his happiness, he'd give it all up for her child. It was all he had left.  
  
*****  
  
They gathered at the Tendo house soon after. The nine were now eight, but nobody complained. Ukyo wouldn't have been much good in a fight anyway.  
  
There were, however, other issues.  
  
"Why is Kodachi here?" Akane wondered aloud to Nabiki, who, along with the rest of the family, was seeing them off. Kodachi Kuno wasn't exactly Akane's idea of a good traveling companion.  
  
"Why else Akane?" Nabiki said, "to win Ranma of course. You had better be extra careful around her. She's not playing by any rules anymore."  
  
"I'm more interested in why that Pantyhose guy is here," Ryoga said. "Why would he care if Ranma comes home or not?"  
  
"I've heard that he's courting Kodachi," Nabiki said.  
  
Ryoga thought for a moment. "It's a good match," he said finally. "A demon and the devil."  
  
"My my my," Nabiki said. "Someone's gotten rather moody. Engaged life treating you poorly?"  
  
Ryoga smiled grimly. "Let's just say this isn't exactly what I had in mind for my future."  
  
"But weddings are such wonderful events," Kasumi said as she joined the conversation, a large bouquet of roses in her arms.  
  
"Looks like you've gotten quite a bouquet there," Nabiki said. "Where did you get it?"  
  
"It was on the doorstep with a card addressed to me," Kasumi said. "It didn't say who it was from."  
  
"Sounds like you have a secret admirer," Akane said with a grin. She couldn't be sure, but she had an idea who might have done it. It was nice to see that amidst all this mess, some things finally seemed to be working out.  
  
"Oh that can't be," Kasumi said. "Whoever sent them must have just forgotten to sign their name."  
  
Happosai looked up from the deep conversation he was having with the Amazon elder and scowled, but nobody noticed.  
  
Shampoo walked over to Akane. "We need get going," she said. "No want miss train."  
  
Akane nodded. "Your right," she said. "It's time."  
  
Around them the air got strangely... musical. Nobody could explain it, nobody bothered to try, but the air was filled with a rousing tune like something out of London musical theater.  
  
"One day more," Ryoga started to sing, "another day, another destiny, this never ending trail of misery."  
  
Nobody commented as Ryoga kept singing. "I had some drinks and I can tell I've screwed my way straight to hell, one day more."  
  
Akane joined in. "I did not live until that day," she sang. "How could I live if we were parted."  
  
"One day more."  
  
"Ranma could be worlds away," Akane sang, "And yet I know that I will find him."  
  
At Ucchan's Okonomiyaki, Ukyo joined in despite being miles away and locked in her room. "One more day, all on my own."  
  
"Princess Ori gave me hope," Akane sang.  
  
"One more day with pig boy's baby," Ukyo bemoaned in tune  
  
"I was born to be with him," Akane again.  
  
"How did this all go so wrong?"  
  
"And I know he will be true."  
  
"LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"  
  
The song seemed to build in dramatic tone as Kuno stepped forward.  
  
"One more day before the storm!" he sang.  
  
"Do I follow where she goes?" Ryoga wondered.  
  
"And the end of the vile Saotome!"  
  
"Should I help her fight Colonge?"  
  
"When our ranks begin to form..."  
  
"Nothing will change, she won't care!"  
  
"Will you take your place with me?"  
  
Everyone joined in. "The time is now, the day is here!"  
  
"One day more!" Happosai cried.  
  
"One more day to find Saotome," Taro sang, "one day more to end his life. Then I'll show that damn Kodachi, I'll show her what love means!"  
  
"Watch them run amok," Kodachi sang, "kick her when she's down. Better watch her back if there's a free for all. Here a little trip, there a little push, who can really blame me in an accident?"  
  
"One more day to some new action," Happosai crooned.  
  
"Raise the skirts of ladies high!" his pervert chorus of Chingensai and Lukkosai tossed in.  
  
"Every day will be a dream."  
  
"Every night he'll get some..." the chorus was quickly muzzled and ejected from the song.  
  
"Shampoo says I get a present," Happosai continued, "one I'll love to unwrap. Just imagine what that can mean!"  
  
Ryoga came to his decision. "For better, or worse, I'll fight for her!"  
  
"One day more!"  
  
Now everybody started singing all kinds of different verses at once that I deny anyone to decipher.  
  
"Tomorrow we'll be far away," Akane sang.  
  
"Tomorrow is the judgment day," Kuno sang.  
  
"Tomorrow we'll discover what this dumb hack writer has in store!" Everyone sang.  
  
"One more dawn!"  
  
"One more day!"  
  
"One day more!"  
  
Then the song ended, and everyone went about their business as though nothing had happened.  
  
*****  
  
"Look, I don't really need help," Ranma said as they approached a nearby small town. "I can look for pops on my own."  
  
"You're a mess," Cologne pointed out. Ranma had decided to leave her camp to go looking for his father yesterday, and she had graciously offered to guide him to the closest town, and to help him search. "You have a broken arm that you don't even know how you got. It's no big deal, I have nothing better to do. Besides, don't you believe in karma? Helping fellow lost travelers is good for the soul."  
  
"Karma?" Ranma seemed dubious. "What was your name again?"  
  
Cologne winced. Unfortunately she had made one miscalculation in her rushed plan to escape the trap Shampoo had laid for her. In blocking out all of Ranma's memories from Jusenkyo onwards, she had unfortunately caught herself in the backwash. Had the shiatsu worked as it was supposed to, then all her plans for seduction would be for naught. Ranma wouldn't be able to keep her in his mind long enough for her to get anywhere.  
  
Fortunately, the problems the blocks were having on keeping Ranma's memories buried were actually serving to counteract that problem. Since Cologne had targeted so much of his memories, not just the last year of his life, but his memories of everyone he encountered during that time, the blocks she put into place weren't as strong as they would normally be. Ranma could keep Cologne in his mind, however try as he might he couldn't remember her name. Oh well, names weren't really necessary for what she had in mind.  
  
"Don't worry about it," she said. "Look, I just want to help you. I don't have anywhere to go back too. Helping you will give me something to do with my life again."  
  
Ranma seemed to accept that, but he still seemed dubious. No matter. Time would eventually take care of that. They would be traveling together for a long time searching for a dead man. A young man and young woman traveling, working, even fighting side by side for so long... why the end result was a foregone conclusion!  
  
The only wildcard was apparently Akane. Ranma had had another dream about her last night. Unlike the first one, this was a rather pleasant dream (Cologne didn't know the details, but she had heard him mumbling rather contentedly in his sleep). Nevertheless, when he had woken up the dream was just as disturbing as the first one. It didn't matter if the girl was so important to him in his dreams, he still didn't know who she was or why she was haunting his sleep.  
  
But Cologne knew what it meant. The imperfect blocks on his memory were starting to crumble. In his dreams they were practically nonexistent. How much time did she have before they fell completely?  
  
She shrugged off the concern as they passed by the train station, where passengers disembarked from a recently arrived train. They should hold long enough provided Ranma doesn't run into...  
  
"RANMA!" a young woman cried. Both Cologne and Ranma turned to see who had called his name, Cologne recognizing the voice from the first and hoping that she had misheard.  
  
Akane stood on the platform of the train station, with the whole gang from Nerima there with her.  
  
"Oh for goodness sakes!"  
  
*****  
  
It was incredible, almost unbelievable. They'd gotten off of the train, expecting a long and fruitless search, and instead, there he was! Akane thought her heart might burst as she called to him and he turned to her.  
  
But...  
  
Akane was surprised to see a flash of fear in Ranma's eyes when he caught sight of her. She was even more surprised when he spoke.  
  
"Who are you?" he demanded. "What do you want with me?"  
  
For a brief moment Akane couldn't find her voice. Ranma didn't... he didn't remember her?  
  
"Ranma," she said desperately, "It's me. It's Akane..."  
  
"Bad Great Grandmother!" Shampoo snapped. "You use Xi Fa Xiang Gao Shiatsu on Ranma!"  
  
"Zi fa shang... what?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Ranma," Cologne said. "Don't believe a word these interlopers say."  
  
"She stole your memories, Ranma!" Akane yelled.  
  
"Don't listen to her," Cologne said. "She's been haunting you."  
  
"I've been what?" Akane demanded. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Ranma," Shampoo said in an earnest voice, "great grandmother use amazon technique for memory manipulation to steal memories of Akane."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Ranma demanded. "Who are you people? What is going on here?!"  
  
"He no remember any of us," Shampoo realized. "Great grandmother very thorough. This what Ukyo meant maybe?"  
  
"Enough of this!" Kuno declared, charging at Ranma with sword drawn. "We end this now!" Ryoga followed behind him.  
  
"What are you doing?!" Akane demanded. "Don't hurt him!"  
  
Neither Ryoga nor Kuno paid Akane any heed. Kuno had his own motives for going on the attack, but Ryoga knew that if Ranma didn't know any of them, he might very well turn on them. It was better to take him out of the fight now while he was still somewhat distracted.  
  
Ranma got into a fighting stance, ready to face his attackers, but Colonge stepped in front of him.  
  
"I'm afraid I'm not going to let you hurt the boy," she said.  
  
"Hey," Ranma protested, "I can handle this myself."  
  
"No you can't," Cologne said. "Not in your condition."  
  
"Stay out of my fights, lady," Ranma snapped.  
  
Some kind of blur flashed between them, apparently just brushing Cologne's shoulder. Both Ryoga and Kuno stopped their charge, wondering what it was.  
  
Cologne looked down at her chest, feeling strangely... unsupported. Her eyes widened in shock as she looked to her left, seeing Happosai nuzzling her bra in triumph.  
  
"Happosai!" she cried. "How did you..."  
  
Happosai grinned a lecherous grin as he stashed the bra... somewhere... and cracked his knuckles. "Don't worry my dear lil Cologne," he said in a positively evil voice, "you're going to become well acquainted with what my magic little hands can do."  
  
Cologne smiled grimly. "So Shampoo told you, did she?"  
  
Happosai nodded. "You boys handle Ranma," he told Ryoga and Kuno, "and leave this one to me."  
  
Happosai and Cologne both lunged into combat, their battle quickly carrying them away from the rest.  
  
"You with me Kuno?" Ryoga asked.  
  
Kuno nodded, tightening his grip on his sword.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute," Ranma said. "You're Ryoga, Ryoga Hibiki."  
  
"Wha?" Ryoga was justifiably surprised. Ranma recognized him? "You remember me?"  
  
"Hey, yeah," Ranma said. "We went to school together. So what's going on here? Who are all these people?"  
  
Of course, Ryoga realized. It all made sense now. Cologne must have erased all of Ranma's memories from his time in Nerima. That's why Ukyo said Ranma'd recognize her, and why Ranma recognized him now. They both knew Ranma from before then. Maybe he could explain everything to Ranma after all.  
  
"It's a long story, Ranma," Ryoga said. "This is going to take a while to explain, and it might sound a bit unbelievable, but you have to trust me..."  
  
Kuno wasn't particularly interested in talking, and instead went right on the attack.  
  
"Kuno, stop," Ryoga yelled. "We don't have to fight him!"  
  
"I will have no part in parlay with the devil Saotome!" Kuno declared. "I will destroy him!"  
  
*****  
  
Akane felt an overwhelming sense of frustration and a bit of fear when Kuno began attacking Ranma. Why had she agreed to let him come along?  
  
When Ranma had recognized Ryoga and the two had started talking, Akane had hoped that this meant that they could resolve this without a fight. But then Kuno had attacked Ranma!  
  
And yes, the fear was there. Was Ranma in any shape to fight? He was still hurt from whatever had happened to him while he was away. What if Ranma's memory loss included the techniques that gave him the advantage against Kuno?  
  
She had to stop this, if she didn't then Ranma might be...  
  
A cyclone suddenly roared into existence, swallowing both Kuno and Ryoga (who was just a little too close) and flinging them well away.  
  
Akane was stunned. "That was the hiryu shoten ha," she said in wonder.  
  
Apparently so was Ranma, who stood in the center of a small crater staring at his fist with a look of total confusion.  
  
"Conditioned reflex?" Shampoo more asked than stated. "Technique is so second nature that Ranma performs it unconsciously."  
  
But that didn't make any sense, Akane decided. "It's too complex," she said. "You have to be consciously aware of too many things to use it..." She saw him drop to his knees, one hand on his temple, and in a flash she understood. She leapt down from the platform and started running towards Ranma.  
  
"What you doing Akane?" Shampoo called after her.  
  
"I can bring his memory back!" Akane declared.  
  
*****  
  
"What's the point of fighting it, lil Colonge?" Happosai asked as he attacked. "You've already lost to me once, and they're your own laws."  
  
"I don't have to marry you if you're dead," Cologne pointed out, fending off most of his strikes. She was fighting with all she had and a little that she normally didn't, and yet she was barely keeping up with him. What gave him his strength? Was his sick perversity really that strong?  
  
"But would it be so bad?" Happosai asked.  
  
"Yes it would!" Colonge declared, snapping a kick at Happosai's head.  
  
He effortlessly dodged the blow. "Well you better get used to it sweet cheeks, 'cause you ain't killing me tonight!"  
  
*****  
  
Akane walked towards Ranma slowly, feeling incredibly nervous and a little afraid. She wanted to be sure this would work, she wanted to know that everything could be made right again. But she couldn't know for sure.  
  
"What do you want?" Ranma demanded, trying to sound tough, but actually sounding a little afraid. Why would he be afraid of her?  
  
"You can feel it," Akane said, "can't you? Like something buried deep in your brain trying to claw its way out." She moved closer to him, within arms reach. "Ranma, I want to help you remember."  
  
"Why?" Ranma asked. "Who are you?"  
  
Akane stepped closer and slipped her arms around him. "I'm your fiancee," she said softly, tenderly, "and I love you."  
  
Then she kissed him.  
  
*****  
  
Cologne was thrown to the ground. Happosai loomed over her.  
  
"So, Colonge," he said as he looked upon her with a laughing, victorious, lecherous eye, "do you want a chapel wedding, or a small civil ceremony?"  
  
"You think you've beaten me?" Cologne wanted to know.  
  
"It's all over, Cologne," Happosai said. "Give up while you still can."  
  
"Not yet," in a flash(so to speak), Cologne had made her move, whiping off her shirt to give Happosai a good look at her ample goods.  
  
"Hot momma!" he cried as he leapt at her, only to receive a kick to the face that dropped him to the ground. Cologne wasted no time in pinning him to the ground by his neck with one hand. She raised the other up...  
  
A moment's hesitation. "Goodbye Happi."  
  
Her fist dropped, slamming down with skull smashing force.  
  
Just beside Happosai's head.  
  
Cologne released the lecher in frustration. She couldn't bring herself to do it. She couldn't bring herself to kill him after everything they'd been through together over the centuries. "Damn it all, I should kill you," she said as she retrieved her shirt and put it back on. "This isn't over yet. I still have Ranma."  
  
*****  
  
Akane felt Ranma encircle her with his arms and pull her close to him as she kissed him. She felt him respond to her, return her kiss. It was working!  
  
She broke from the kiss and gazed into his eyes. "Ranma..."  
  
Ranma grinned sheepishly. "Who were you again?"  
  
Needless to say, that killed the mood. "YOU JERK!" Akane cried, releasing him from their embrace with a savage slap.  
  
"What was that for?!" Ranma demanded.  
  
"Do you always kiss girls you don't know!?" Akane shot back.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma protested. "You kissed me, Akane! I ain't taking the blame for that!"  
  
"But you weren't exactly fighting to get away, either!" Akane returned, completely missing the one thing she should have been paying attention for.  
  
"Oh yeah?" Ranma asked. "Well how were you so sure that I was who you thought I was, huh? What if I was someone else? Do you just kiss guys you don't know?"  
  
"That's ridiculous Ranma," Akane scoffed. "I know you when I see you. I'm not going to mistake someone else for you."  
  
Ranma was going to respond, but his earlier statement finally clicked in Akane's mind, and she interrupted him.  
  
"You remember me!?" she exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah," Ranma said. "It all came back when you slapped me."  
  
It was supposed to be an expression of displeasure, like maybe you could have found a gentler way to bring my memory back, but that wasn't important to Akane. She flung her arms around him again and just held him close. After a little bit of this, Ranma decided the slap wasn't all that big of a deal.  
  
"Hey, Akane," he said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I was thinkin," he could feel butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, but it was something he felt he had to say. It was something he probably would have said already, if this whole current mess hadn't gotten started. "When we're a little older, like maybe out of school or somethin..."  
  
Akane said nothing, but she could feel her heart racing.  
  
"I was wonderin if... well... would you maybe... marry me some day?"  
  
*****  
  
Cologne watched Ranma and Akane share a second kiss, one that didn't end in an argument or slap. She could feel the warm and fuzzys from where she was.  
  
"So lil Cologne," Happosai said, "you were saying?"  
  
"I guess it's no surprise," Cologne said. She could feel fate closing in on her like the jaws of an angry dog on the throat of it's tormenter.  
  
"Martriarch," a wizened old voice said. Cologne turned to face a long time enemy.  
  
"Hello, Gel," she said.  
  
"What will you do now, Cologne?" The amazon elder asked. "Shall you press your claim for Ranma?"  
  
Cologne shook her head. Honor and position had gotten her into this mess. The Matriarch of the tribe must be held to the highest standard of honor and duty. Claiming rights to a boy that she cannot win was not the behavior of a Matriarch. "No, I have no claim to the boy."  
  
But then, neither was disregarding tribal laws.  
  
"You know what you have to do," the Elder said. "Do it, or step down from your position."  
  
"It was my great granddaughter that told you about the mushrooms," Cologne said. "Correct?"  
  
"Correct," the elder said. "You appear to have angered her greatly over some matter."  
  
"And I suppose you already have the support lined up to replace me should I make the wrong choice," Cologne said. "You've always wanted the Matriarch's position. Are you using Shampoo to get to me, or is Shampoo using you?"  
  
"I require a decision," the elder said.  
  
"Old Ghoul!" Ranma yelled as he approached, Akane following behind him. "I've got something to say to you! Whatdidja think you were doin kidnapping me like that!"  
  
Cologne said nothing. She walked to her backpack, dropped when the fight had begun, and picked it up.  
  
"Will you step down?" the elder asked.  
  
Cologne still said nothing. Instead she opened a pocket on the pack and took out a mushroom.  
  
"Sixteen centimeters," she said quietly, "and still fresh. Just the right size."  
  
"What's going on here?" Ranma asked Akane, totally lost.  
  
"She's actually going to go through with it?" Akane said in shock. "I can't believe it!"  
  
Believe it. Cologne walked over to Happosai and offered him the mushroom. "Here you go, Happi," she said, resigned to her fate. "If we're going to go through with this, you have to eat this first."  
  
Happosai took the mushroom and sniffed it suspiciously. "You aren't trying to poison me, are you?" he asked.  
  
"Not at all," Cologne said. "But at your age, you are currently ill prepared to carry out your husbandly duty. This is going to fix it."  
  
"My husbandly duties?" Happosai asked, sounding hopeful. "You mean..."  
  
"You know exactly what I mean," Cologne said in a low voice.  
  
Ranma had never seen a mushroom consumed quite so quickly. The affects were nearly instantaneous and at the same time entirely unexpected.  
  
The Happosai that they had all known vanished in a wave of sudden growth and tearing and popping cloths, now simply too small for him.  
  
Jaws dropped at what had replaced him.  
  
"Well well," he said as he looked over his freshly young body. "I have to say I look good."  
  
"He's a hunk!" Akane exclaimed. The Happosai that stood before them was a tall, dark, dashing, rougish figure. The kind of guy girls almost automatically swooned over should he choose to smile at them.  
  
Ranma looked to his fiancee with an annoyed look. "Oh yeah?" he asked. "So that's what you go for?"  
  
Akane scowled at him in response. "That's not what I meant!" she protested.  
  
"Don't worry about it, boy," the elder said, "It's understandable."  
  
"Well does she have to keep staring?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Oh it's no big deal, Ranma my boy," Happosai said. "I'd forgotten how good I looked when I was younger." He ran a hand through his freshly re-sprouted black hair. "And this is sure an old friend that I've missed."  
  
Cologne grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around to face her. "You have some explaining to do, Happosai!" she declared. "You didn't look anything like this when we were young. What's going on here?"  
  
"Oh," Happosai said sheepishly, "that... Well, I guess there's no point in keeping it a secret anymore. I'm afraid I was less than honest with you back then. You see, I wasn't sure you would like me quite so much if you knew that there was a... few years age difference."  
  
"A few years?" Cologne asked. "Just how many years older than me are you?"  
  
"Oh, not too many," Happosai said nervously, "one or two or..."  
  
"HAPPI!"  
  
"Ninety seven," he quickly admitted.  
  
Cologne's jaw dropped again. "You mean to say that when you told me you were eighteen, you were actually a hundred and fifteen years old?!"  
  
"Hey," Ranma protested, "wait a minute. He can't have been that old."  
  
"That's right!" Akane agreed. "We met him back then. He was just a kid."  
  
"Bah," Happosai scoffed. "My youthful appearance back then was simply thanks to plenty of amazon wrinkle reducing cream. It was enough to take centuries off my face."  
  
This earned him a pair of blank stares from Ranma and Akane.  
  
"It's true," Cologne said. "That stuff works wonders. Gel here has been using it since the Sengoku era, and look how well she's turned out."  
  
The amazon elder, who looked not too unlike how Cologne used to look, scowled at the matriarch.  
  
"Well then," Cologne said, "this changes things quite a bit. It looks like this marriage will be a lot more fun than I thought. How about it Happi? A quickie wedding as soon as we get back?"  
  
Akane and Ranma were stunned.  
  
"But just a while ago you were doing everything you could to get out of it!" Akane protested.  
  
Cologne chuckled. "The Happosai I expected was about a foot tall and really had... lets just say nothing to offer me. This one..." She took a long moment to look him over from head to toe (did I mention he was naked?) "Yes, I really have nothing to complain about."  
  
Happosai slipped an arm around Cologne and pulled her close. "Well, I'm a little out of practice in some areas, but I'm eager to learn."  
  
Cologne smiled in a definitively impure way. "And I'll be happy to teach you... everything."  
  
At this point, Ranma and Akane chose to just walk away.  
  
*****  
  
Among all this bliss, there was one person who was definitely not happy.  
  
"Are you ready to give up now?" Taro asked.  
  
Kodachi said nothing, she just stood there feeling an impotent rage. She'd seen it all, seen the warmth and tenderness that Ranma and Akane were now sharing.  
  
"Why can't you let it go?" Taro asked her.  
  
"She will die," Kodachi said quietly. "I will see to it. The girl will die and I will give Ranma her heart on a plate."  
  
"He'll kill you for it," Taro said.  
  
"I don't care."  
  
*****  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
*****  
  
Author's notes:  
  
1) Umm... sorry about the whole bursting into song thing. Just needed to vent. It won't happen again.  
  
2) You might be wondering if Akane's dream was really a divine visitation or just a really comforting dream. Well... I'm not telling, ever. Choose whichever answer you find the most appealing.  
  
3) You didn't really think Akane's tender declaration of love would instantly snap Ranma out of it, did you? Silly readers! For memory restoration nothing beats a blow to the head from someone you love.  
  
(...)  
  
4) Has anyone figured out the meaning of Gendo's prediction yet? I've sure given you enough clues to puzzle it out...  
  
5) I'm sure someone isn't going to like the idea of Ranma proposing to Akane. Well tough. It's been heading that way for a while in this story (if you didn't notice). Events were conspiring to force Ranma and Akane to take a long, hard look at their relationship and decide where they wanted it to go. That they finally decided, after a lot of grief, misunderstanding, arguments, distrust, and sex to comit to a life together certainly shouldn't be unexpected.  
  
6) Thought for the day: "Cherish your emotions, all of them. A man feels love and he knows he's alive. He feels pain and he knows he's not dreaming." ~anonymous 


End file.
